My Hard Time
by Witty-Kate
Summary: Every story has two sides to it but as everyone starts to move on with their lives, JD's only gets worse and he's left feeling all alone when no one takes notice. Grief can do funny things to people, but so can the desire for revenge. With half the hospital out for blood, JD consumed with grief and friends acting like strangers, will anything ever be okay again.
1. It Begins

**My hard time**

**Summary-** As everyone starts to move on with their lives, JD's only gets worse. After a personal tragedy occurs, will people take notice of his rather strange behaviour, or will he have to suffer though the grief on his own?

**Note-** In this story Kim never moved or told JD she had a miscarriage. Takes place end of season 6.

**Trailer-** I made a trailer for this fic, if you're interested the link is clickable on my profile.

**Chapter one- The beginning**

_They say a personal tragedy can bring people closer together but for me, well, that couldn't be further from the truth. My life went down hill the moment Kim's water broke and there was simply no one there to help._

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**Saturday 15th March 11.30 Pm**

Making his way though the large park located on the outskirts of San Diego, JD couldn't help but stop for a moment to take in his surroundings. To his left was a small boating lake, the ripples in the water glistening with life as several white geese swam across the surface.

To his right was an open playing field where a group of teenagers were hanging about, shouting and laughing with glee as they goofed around the way only teenagers could. There was the familiar smell of freshly cut grass and all around him newly planted flowers were blooming in the mid morning sun.

Yet, perhaps most importantly, standing just a few inches away was Dr John Dorian's heavily pregnant girlfriend, her foot tapping nervously on the ground.

As he approached her, he slipped his hand into hers and led her towards an uneven dirt path, placing a soft gentle kiss on her lips in the process. They may have only met eight months ago, on one of the rare days Kim didn't wear her old wedding ring, but that didn't stop him from loving her with every ounce of his soul. He knew everything about her, from her favourite food right down to what her first grade teacher was called.

To them, it didn't matter that she had 'gotten knocked up' on their first official date or even that their friends and family thought they were being idiots for moving in together so quickly, even going as far as refusing to see their new home. At the end of the day all that really mattered was that they were in love and expecting their first child.

Kim was seven and a half months pregnant but by the size of her baby bump you would never have guessed. Compared to people like Carla and Jordan, her baby bulge was virtually none existent. Still they weren't bothered about it, the midwife had assured the couple that everything was developing normally, the baby was simply just smaller than most.

"How are you feeling?" JD asked as the two of them walked hand in hand across the grass heading down to the pond which they seemed to love so much. The afternoon sun was making the pasture glisten with life as birds chirped in the background. It was the first time they had seen each other in the last three days due to the insane shifts Dr Kelso, the chief of medicine, had put the two attendings' on.

"A lot better now I've seen you, although I'm still slightly tired and my kidneys are probably irreparably damaged, your kid sure can kick!" Kim replied as her free hand drifted onto her ever growing stomach. The dark haired man sniggered at that as he led the blonde over to a near by bench which overlooked the pool.

"Have you eaten much today?" He asked as he slipped his hand into his scrubs pocket, fiddling with the small object which lay inside.

"Still can't keep anything down!" She answered honestly with a shrug of her shoulders before looking up at her nervous partner in confusion. "Why did you want to meet here anyway?"

"Well, I just need to talk to you about something…" he said carefully as Kim slowly took a seat and stared up at him in wonder.

"What about? You're not breaking up with me are you?" She questioned as the hormonal paranoia kicked in once again. As JD vigorously shook his head, Kim tried her hardest to smile but instead a moan escaped her lips as her hand grasped at her stomach.

"Are you okay?" He asked instantly bending down on to his knees and looking up at Kim with nothing but concern in his eyes.

"Relax… I'm… I'm …fine, he just moved a little too quickly that's all..." She replied softly attempting to give him a reassuring smile, one that he noted did not quite meet her eyes. "Now what do you want to talk about?"

"Well…I know we haven't known each other very long, but with Sammy on the way and how much we seemed to have bonded over the last few months, well I was wondering…" He mumbled before placing his blue rucksack on the ground and reaching into his pocket. "Would you marry me?"

Kim's mouth instantly dropped as she watched JD pull a blue diamond ring from his pocket and gazed on in amazement as the sun hit the centre causing it to sparkle. As her lips slowly turned upwards she opened her mouth to reply, but as she did, she found that she just couldn't respond as her whole body suddenly convulsed, a ripple of pain shooting straight though her abdomen. She instantly groaned in pure agony and let out an ear piecing scream as cold liquid began to pour down her legs.

"Kim? What's wrong?" JD instantly yelled out as he jumped to his feet and placed the ring back in his pocket, before rushing to her side and placing a soothing hand on her shoulders.

"The baby…" She gasped out as she hunched over in pain, taking deep shaky breathes.

JD's eyes instantly widened as he placed a hand on her stomach and glanced down, but what he saw made his whole body freeze as he realised that the liquid oozing down her legs was blood….

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_I don't have much experience when it comes to pregnancy's, but as a doctor I knew that at seven months gone she shouldn't be in labour yet and with the amount of blood which was pouring out of her, something had to be seriously wrong._

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**2:15 PM**

Sitting in the waiting room of St Mary's hospital JD anxiously fidgeted with his fingers as he glanced up at the clock for the fifteenth time since he had entered the building. After he'd seen the blood trickling down his girlfriend's legs, everything became a blur; all he really remembered was a passer by calling an ambulance and them saying something about an emergency surgery.

He seemed to have gone onto some sort of auto pilot after the ambulance had arrived, signing consent forms, filling in information about her medical history and so on, before being pushed into the chair he currently sat in, having no clue what was really going on.

He could still remember the day Carla had to have a C section and knew from that experience the surgeons were taking way to long to just simply cut Kim open and remove the baby, there had to be something more than delivering his son going on in that theatre for them to be in there for this amount of time.

He didn't even understand what was wrong with Kim, sure she had a few cramps recently but that was it, everything else pregnancy related had been fine and she had never mentioned anything to cause him any reason to worry.

Despite all the medical training he had, the thirty year old couldn't comprehend what was the matter and since he was the father, the doctors refused to let him near the room as they operated, a new rule they had apparently set up after a surgeon's wife had died.

Taping his foot on the wooden floor, the young doctor slouched back in his chair and started scratching at his arms, a nauseating feeling building up in his stomach.

**2.21 PM**

As time dragged on that horrible sickening feeling only grew more and more, until the brunette was almost certain he was going to throw up. He had never been so worried in his life, despite all the medical situations he had been in.

As a doctor, he saw these sorts of things all the time, witnessed the pure devastation in the family members eyes as they anxiously waited for news. Yet no matter how much empathy he had towards them, he could honestly say until now he never knew how deeply those people must have been affected. It literally felt like someone was cutting into his skin, slowly breaking each limb into tiny pieces that no one could possibly be able to repair. He felt like the ground was trying to swallow him whole and no one was around to pull him back out.

Despite this, for perhaps the first time in his life, JD was glad that none of his friends were around to 'support him' or what ever they called it. Despite the situation and how alone he actually felt he didn't want even his closest friend anywhere near him.

He had heard the words which came from their mouths' in the cafeteria the other day when he was taped to the ceiling. They were sick and tired of taking care of him and his problems and were actually praying he would grow up and stop acting like a child. If they had bothered to spend any time with him recently though, they would know he had changed a lot in the last six months.

He knew he used be a bit clingy and annoy them with his neediness, but never had he thought that they had all moved on so much that they were arguing about who would have to spend time with him when he messed everything up again.

He and Turk had been best friends for nearly fifteen years; to be honest he thought that that had meant something. But judging by what he had heard, the only reason Turk ever hung out with him was because he felt sorry for him, what he had said almost sounded as if they had never truly been friends.

**2:26 PM**

Getting to his feet, JD began pacing up and down the waiting room, moving at an unbelievable speed as he found himself completely uncomfortable in what ever he did; it was like his whole body insisted on moving all at once he just couldn't sit still.

Rubbing his hands together irritably he couldn't help the horrible thoughts going though his head, the little voice which told him that he would never see Kim or his son again, that the two people he loved most in the world were about to be taken away from him, and there was nothing he could do about it.

After another five minutes past, the brunette was almost certain he was going to be sick if someone didn't come and tell him something soon. All he could do was stare at the door in front of him, willing it to burst open and have Kim and Sammy wheeled in completely healthy.

There were a few other people in the room by this point, each of them waiting for news of some kind, like him, praying it wouldn't be of their loved ones' death. Yet he couldn't care less about their pain, he just wished they would all go away, leave his sight and stop looking at him like he was a mental patient ready to explode and kill them all.

**2:35 PM**

Glancing at the clock once more JD sighed and banged his head against the wall as he realised he had officially been standing in this room for two hours.

As he placed his hands in his pockets, he felt a small solid object inside and realised something else, she never got the chance to answer him! He didn't have a clue if they were engaged, whether they would be walking down the church with their new born son to get married or not?

He liked to think so, but the truth of the matter was he simply did not know and he had this horrible feeling that he would never get an answer.

Groaning in annoyance as he realised how out of control the situation was, he couldn't help but wonder if he was being put in this situation by a higher power, all because he and Kim had briefly considered having an abortion. Maybe, just maybe it was God's way of getting his own back. He had always believed in Karma, so maybe this was his. He had thought about ending his son's life before he was even born and now someone else was ending it for him.

"Dr. Dorian?" A small voice called out, causing the young man to abandon his pacing and look towards the doorway where an old man stood, a disorientated grim look on his face.

"Yeah…" JD said slowly, trying his hardest to convince himself that the surgeon was here to tell him everything was okay and his blood covered scrubs was due to a car crash victim and not his Kim.

"Maybe you should sit down."

At those words the thirty year old's blood ran cold and he rapidly shook his head. He had said those exact words to so many people over the years it wasn't even funny, and each time they were followed by one thing, death.

"I'm fine standing." He barely whispered as he tried to block out the horrifying thoughts which suddenly plagued his mind as he desperately searched the surgeon's face, trying to convince himself he had got it all wrong, that this was all some sort of nightmare and that he would awake from any second.

The man closed his eyes for a moment, almost reluctant to continue before he cleared his throat and forced an explanation from his voice box.

"Kim was obviously haemorrhaging which led to us having to perform the C section in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Unfortunately we couldn't so we had to resort to a hysterectomy in order to try and save her. The muscles around her heart couldn't take the strain so we had to open her up to put her on a bi pass," he began pausing for a moment to make sure the attending was still following.

"Right…" JD mumbled. His eyes slightly glazed over as if he wasn't even in the room.

"We were… unaware of the pre existing heart condition… I'm sure her mid wife would have informed her of the massive risk a pregnancy placed on her body. I'm so sorry but the pregnancy and labour put too much pressure on an already damaged aorta and as soon as she went on bi-pass… well she didn't stand a chance… Kim was pronounced dead at 2:31"

A single tear rolled down JD's cheek as he shook his head in response over and over again, unable or perhaps unwilling to accept the news he had just been given. Kim could not be dead, she just couldn't!

"No… she was fine, we were talking and she was fine…" He muttered as his legs started to wobble as he unsteadily took a few steps back, away from the man he could now see as some sort of grim reaper. It all had to be a mistake, Kim never once mentioned any problems with her heart, sure once or twice she had said she had spent a lot of time in the hospital as a teenager… but that was it!

"I'm sorry…" The man replied before taking a deep breath, knowing that despite the state the man was getting himself into he had to finish what he needed to say. "As for your son…" he began, causing JD to stop shaking his head and backing away and look at the man once more, having almost completely forgotten about young Sam. "He is obviously very premature and because of this his lungs haven't developed properly, he's alive but has been rushed into intensive care. His body is very weak and isn't strong enough to allow him to breath unassisted. As well as that his kidneys are barely working and he is at high risk of developing infection. I'm afraid that I have to tell you he has only a twenty percent chance of surviving more than a couple of days. I'll send a doctor through to take you to him in a little while."

With that the man turned to leave as tears began slowly falling down JD's face and onto the floor, this just couldn't be happening! It just couldn't all be true; he couldn't lose the love of his life and the one thing that connected them together the most, all in one day.

Running his hands down his face he took a few steps over to the bench before collapsing on to it and breaking down completely.


	2. Grief

**Chapter 2- Grief and anger**

_Kim's death left me absolutely devastated and I barely remember the hours that followed. But after just three days of sitting by my son's incubator, Kelso called me in for work. He hadn't told anyone about Kim, said it was my job and none of his business anyway, but I wished he had…. I couldn't even tell her mother myself so there was very little hope of me being able to tell anyone else. Yet as I soon found out, no one would even give me the chance to say a word._

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**Tuesday 18th March 8.02 am**

Over the last couple of days JD had felt nothing but plain numbness, he barely ate anything and was just constantly sitting by his son's side, willing him to pull through. The doctors at St. Mary's still held very little hope that he would make it to the end of the week though as his condition was continuously worsening.

The young baby had also suffered several cardiac arrests in which he was only just able to come back from. It seemed that each time his little heart stopped it took longer and longer to start up again, in fact the one which happened just four hours ago, JD honestly thought he wouldn't come back from.

As he stepped out into the car park of sacred heart, JD felt a wave of emotions hit him as he realised that not only did he have to leave his son, but he had to go into a building where everyone expected him to be the happiest man on earth. He honestly didn't know how he could make it through the day, especially if everyone started asking about Kim, as they had been doing previously.

To be perfectly honest the only reason he hadn't told Kelso to stick his job where the sun doesn't shine was because of a point the devil made him self…. His son's medical care was going to be very expensive and he needed the money.

Seeing a blonde woman with short hair, JD's face instantly lit up as he ran towards her before she could enter the hospital. Hearing the approaching foot steps the girl turned around and just for a moment the attending could have sworn he saw Kim's face, but that soon melted away into a very confused nineteen year old. Shaking her head she looked at him like he was crazy before heading into the foyer.

Forcing the tears which were threatening to fall as his heart once again had to suffer the realisation that she wasn't coming back, JD swallowed the lump in his throat and forced himself to walk up to the entrance.

Yet as hard as he tried he couldn't bring himself to actually walk through those big double doors and enter the building.

He almost felt that if he did, he would be moving on with his life and betraying Kim by taking on the motion that life goes on. He briefly heard people saying excuse me, whilst others pushed past him as he blocked the doorway, but other than that he completely zoned out, looking very much like he did when he was having a day dream.

Unfortunately he was far from daydreaming, for if he were he was sure he would see his Kim standing in front of him, very much alive and cradling her new born son, she never even had the chance to see.

He didn't know how long he just stood there for, as everything became a blur to his eyes, his mind focusing on the pain filled, terrified expression on his girlfriend's face as she was wheeled though doors identical to the ones he stood beside.

He kept trying to tell his feet to move, but they simply would not listen and a part of him didn't want them too either. He just wanted to go home, to collapse on the sofa and pretend that everything was okay, that he wasn't on the verge of loosing the two people he loved most.

He wanted to hear Kim's laugh again, to see her face like it was when she was told their baby was a boy, to see her smile and even to feel her skin pressed up against his. He wanted to smell the strawberry goodness which was her hair, but as he took a large intake of air, only to smell the polluted city, he had to squeeze his eyes shut to convince his brain not to release the tears. He couldn't cry at work, he wouldn't, it would only give certain people more ammunition against him and he was in no state to just brush it of like he usually did.

"NANCY!" A voice yelled out, causing the brunet to jump and snap out of his trance as he glanced up to see the angry face of Dr Percival Cox. He was a mere few inches from him, growling through enflamed nostrils as he stared down at the man-child, the doctor he was said to despise the most.

"You have been standing here for at least half an hour, snap out of what ever little fantasy your having and go and get to w-o-r-k."

When JD made no attempt to move, Dr Cox roughly grabbed him by the top of his neck and pulled him into the hospital before shoving him so hard he almost fell over, towards the changing rooms.

"Get going, I have been covering your ass for the last three days. Do you know by just skipping coming here the way you did, I have had to do both of our jobs then go back to a screaming baby. I am so _n-hot_ in the mood for you today so I suggest you stay out of my way." He growled, ignoring the hurt look on the kid's face completely.

JD wanted to yell out right there and then that he would do anything to hear his baby cry, but instead he swallowed his tongue, fought back the tears, nodded and walked off, determined he wouldn't loose it completely, at least not the hospital of all places.

Dr. Cox shook his head slightly at that, wondering when on earth his little punching bag was ever going to grow a back bone. He had to admit the hurt look had confused him somewhat, seeing as his insults never usually had that affect, but he quickly pushed those thoughts away. It wasn't his job to worry what the man's newest crisis was. He was paid to treat people, not to be a counsellor to someone like JD who did nothing but annoy him.

Still he couldn't help but think as he watched Newbie, painfully drag himself into the changing rooms, just why the man looked so pale and held the tell tale signs of someone who had been crying- a lot.

Shaking his head Dr. Cox simply turned on his heels and headed towards the nurse's station, deciding that whatever it was, he was bound to hear about it from the whining girl sooner or later.

After signing at least a dozen pieces of paper and yelling at some very incompetent interns, Dr. Cox found himself glancing down at his watch, counting the minutes that went by. He had the perfect speech on just why JD was such a girl prepared for when the man eventually came into the corridor and couldn't wait to belittle him in front of everyone.

When the attending finally did walk out, Dr Cox put on his best grin and turned around to face him, all fired up to make one of the best speeches of his life. His grin instantly vanished however as he caught sight of newbie's appearance, he had huge bags under his eyes, his hair was almost flat… and he had his scrub top on backwards…

As his expression turned to one of confusion, he didn't even get the chance to say anything as Bob Kelso charged passed him.

For a second it looked like the sixty four year old was going to blow a gasket at JD for being so late for work, as his lips became nothing but a thin line on his wrinkled old face. Then, surprising everyone, he simply shook his head from side to side and closed his eyes before speaking, his anger obviously melting away.

"Son, your top's on backwards." He said, before stalking off down the corridor, causing every single person currently in the ward mouths' to drop to the floor.

"Okay then Joanna, please share with the class exactly why Kelso, the man bred from pure evil, let one of the worst attending's we have ever had at this hell hole, get away with being forty minutes late for work! I mean good God newbie, what did you walk in on him doing?" Dr. Cox called out as soon as the chief had disappeared, his arms folded around his charts as he tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for a reply.

JD merely shrugged uncaringly in response as he felt the familiar stinging sensation in his eyes. Without saying a word to the man who was supposed to be his mentor, he reached over and grabbed his charts from the work top and left, leaving a corridor full of suspicious people in his wake.

Dr Cox simply blinked as he watched the man who always had a spring in his step stalk dejectedly away, before he placed his hands on top of his head and took deep calming breathes.

"What's the matter with him?" Shirley, one of the new nurses, asked after a moment of complete silence. Dr Cox glanced in the woman's direction for a moment or two, contemplating an answer, before shaking his head and heading off in a different direction, muttering who cares under his breath.

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Two hours later and JD was still drifting around the hospital looking like a little lost soul as he went from patient to patient, not stopping to talk to anyone.

Word had spread about what had happened that morning and by now the whole hospital were talking about him and of course Kelso. Todd had even asked him if they were being gay together, a statement which was immediately ignored. Looking back JD wasn't so sure that was the best move however, as now people were seriously speculating about whether he did bat for the over side.

Realising he needed some history on a pancreatic cancer case, JD reluctantly headed over to the nurses station, where Carla and Shirley sat playing with seven month old Izzy.

"Carla… Can you get me Mr. Thomson's file?" He asked quietly, afraid his own voice would betray him as it went completely flat, not that Carla seemed to notice as she continued making faces at her daughter.

"Get it yourself," she replied in a high pitched voice as she pointed behind her, before turning her attention back to Izzy who had started laughing at the two people in front of her.

Looking slightly annoyed JD reached over and grabbed a random file, not really caring anymore whose it was. Instead of walking away however, he stood there watching as Isabella did the normal things children of that age did. As she let out another laugh, JD's heart tightened as he felt the lump in his throat return.

If Sam did pull though, there was a very strong possibility he could have some brain damage from when he was deprived of oxygen when his heart stopped beating. Meaning that he may never have a moment like the one his friend was having now, he would probably never hear his child utter a single sound, even something as simple as a laugh.

Rubbing his tired eyes, JD instantly spun around and walked around the corner, before leaning against the wall of the empty corridor and banging his head against the plasterboard. As the tears began to slowly fall down his face, he tried desperately to get his spiralling emotions under control. No one could see him like this; he had to be strong for he knew he wouldn't be able to handle it if word got out.

He knew what people like Dr. Cox would say without even thinking about it. He would tear him apart, calling him every girls name in history for being such a weak human being and not noticing the tell tale signs that something was wrong. The love of his life had slowly been dying for the last seven months and he hadn't a clue. Every time he saw her struggling to breath and she said she'd been running, he believed her. Every time she looked like she was about to pass out, or she winced in pain, he had believed that every thing was fine, that it was just normal pregnancy stuff, when deep down she was sacrificing her life for her baby.

"Dr. Dorian?" A familiar voice called out, interrupting JD's thoughts. Closing his eyes and praying they weren't as red as they felt, he took a deep breath as one of his interns appeared beside him. Blinking at an unusual speed to try and dry his eyes, the attending slowly turned around to face the ginger haired twenty something year old.

"What?" he growled, his voice sounding dangerously lower than he meant it to, almost identical to Dr. Cox's when he was seriously pissed.

"My patient Mrs. James just died, she was six months pregnant and Dr Cox wants me to break the news to her husband…" Gary said quickly, looking at his toes, completely oblivious to the frustration in his boss' voice.

"So?" JD hissed, as he suddenly felt like he was going to be violently sick.

"Umm well since I'm rather new at this, I was wondering if you could do it for me…" He continued, his voice trailing off as he took in the look of pure horror and anger that had appeared on JD's face.

"Excuse me…" He gasped as his face turned an unnatural colour of red and his breathing became completely erratic.

"I just don't want to be the one to give that kind of news…It's a sensitive issue and I don't have any experience.." Gary replied, before taking a step back, wondering what on earth he had said to provoke this kind of reaction, interns asked their attending to break the news of people's deaths all the time, he just couldn't understand what on earth his problem was.

"Listen to me you whinny little intern, you are the one who wanted to be a god damn doctor so why don't you suck it up and for once do your worthless little job! Because I will tell you something Gary, if you and your annoying voice are not out of my sight in the next thirty seconds I will make sure you end up working in a morgue!" JD yelled, his voice cracking as fresh tears flew down his face. Luckily for him he was so red from anger, that Gary never even noticed as his eyes grew huge and he charged off down the corridor. He was so shaken he didn't even apologise as he brushed passed Dr. Cox who was standing near the stairway.

Once he was sure Gary was gone, JD sank back against the wall and rubbed fiercely at his eyes, trying to stop the tears as he fought the urge to throw up. That was far, far too close of a case for comfort and he was sure if he didn't calm down soon, he wasn't going to keep the little food he had in his stomach down.

As he soon returned to his previous task of banging his head against a wall, he instantly felt worse as what he had said to the intern sunk in. It wasn't Gary's fault, he didn't have a clue what was going on, or the fact the JD was in the same position as that man, with the only difference being his son was still fighting for life.

He didn't even want to think about what would happen if he didn't pull though, for honest to god he knew he wouldn't be able to handle it. Squeezing his eyes shut, JD began increasingly banging his head faster and faster against the solid wall, pushing it harder and harder backwards as the guilt of what he had just done and the pain over Kim's death flooded though him.

Down at one of the new private patient's rooms, Dr Cox remained rooted to the spot, just staring as the boy he had seen so much potential in, he seemed almost pitiful as the tears flew freely down his face. Dr Cox had seen a lot of things from JD over the years, including him making some of the stupidest mistakes in history, but never had he actually seen him cry.

The little speech the man gave him surprised the attending the most, JD was always trying to be everyone's friend, including the people who worked below him, so seeing the man screaming at someone for absolutely nothing didn't make sense to the forty five year old, it just wasn't him. Of all the things that newbie was, he certainly wasn't THAT guy.

For a second the older man considered going over to the cry baby and telling him to stop making such a scene and maybe take a short break as he was obviously having some sort of break down. However, instead he turned on his heels and walked away, saying to himself over and over again that he really couldn't care less.

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Luckily for JD there was one person who actually did, and despite how annoyed he got from his constant problems, he was hardly going to ignore the guy who could end up in theatre if things continued the way things were.

"Dude I really don't fancy re building your skull!" Turk yelled out as he approached the man, concern written all over his face. JD slowly opened his eyes as he heard the voice of his chocolate bear and stopped what he was doing almost reluctantly. Yet he didn't say a thing as he continued to use the wall as a support frame.

"Seriously are you okay? You look terrible!" Turk continued as he looked the man up and down and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

For a moment JD contemplated screaming at the surgeon to get the hell away from him as he felt an uncomfortable urge to lash out. He wanted to yell that no he wasn't okay, that he would never be okay again; he wanted to hit him square in the face for ever having the nerve to ask that question.

He didn't however, instead he simply nodded, keeping his eyes firmly locked on the floor, afraid if he made even the slightest movement he would loose what little control over his actions he currently had left.

Turk just looked at him questionably as he glanced up and down the corridor, wondering what on earth had gotten into his usually bubbly pal. Half the time you couldn't shut the attending up, so to see him slumped against a wall refusing to talk, well it just didn't seem at all natural.

"You sure?" Turk asked as he tilted his head so he was able to look JD directly in the eyes. The only response he got though was the grieving father turning his head to the side, refusing point blank to meet his gaze. "Okay well, since we haven't hung in a while do you fancy torturing good old hooch? I feel like goofing around and getting away from my fatherly responsibilities for a while…Give it a few weeks after your kid's born and you'll feel the same way."

JD didn't respond, at least not straight away, it almost seemed like he hadn't heard the black doctor at all. Then ever so slowly, he turned to face him, his expression completely void of any emotions. His insides were literally on fire as the words that Turk had said settled in his mind. How dare he? How dare he want to get away from his beautiful daughter and insinuate JD would want to do the same when he was praying his small child would survive the night.

"I very much doubt that." He said quietly, his fists clenched together as he tried to keep his growing temper in check.

"You might think that now dude, but as soon as he starts screaming at four o clock in the morning, you'll want to get away." Turk replied with a roll of his eyes, like it was the most obvious answer in the world.

"I won't… Right now I'd do anything to hear him cry..." JD continued blinking back the tears as his anger melted away, only to be placed by a crippling fear that, that would never happen.

"Well give it a few months and I'm sure you will be able to hear it 24/7 just you wait till the first night back from the hospital." Turk said with a shudder, remembering the night all to well, he had to get up for work at five and Izzy had still been screaming when he had left. When JD cringed and squeezed his eyes shut, Turk gave him a questioning look before shaking his head and glancing down at his pager as it began to vibrate.

"Actually Turk, I don't think I will…" He responded dejectedly, squeezing his eyes even tighter together and running his hands though his hair as the image of his son, lying in an incubator, shock pads attached to his tiny chest, ran though his mind.

"Why? Not planning on leaving Kim are you?"

"What? No I… I would never… I love her…loved her..." JD stammered, the tears filling his eyes once more, this time however he wasn't able to keep them at bay as they ran freely down his face.

Turk's face instantly flashed with something near enough completely unreadable, before he shook his own head and raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

"Loved… as in past tense?" He replied as he looked at his friend since college with nothing but suspicion in his eyes. As JD reluctantly nodded before diverting his gaze to the floor, Turk let out a sigh before continuing. "You know what dude; you really need to get over your commit-a-phobia."

With that the black doctor spun around and stalked of down the corridor muttering something under his breath. JD sagged against the wall as he watched the surgeon leave, a pain erupting in his chest as he realised Turk really didn't care less about him anymore.

Hearing his own pager go off, JD forced himself into a standing position and headed towards the staircase, knowing that no matter what was going through his head he still had a job to do.

**(A/N) Thanks to everyone for the wonderful reviews and I hope you like the chapter. Also thanks to WanderingPirate for bettering this!**


	3. All alone

**Chapter 3- All alone**

_It's amazing how you can be surrounded by people but still feel as if the room is completely empty. My best friend clearly didn't care about what I was going through or notice I was upset._

_As I passed people on my way to my next patient's room, I could already hear the whispers, all of them talking about what had happened with Gary. Even the people who I thought were supposed to be my friends were talking behind my back, yet not even one of them wondered why I had reacted like that. Not one of _  
_them took a second to try and figure out if something real was bothering me._

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**Tuesday 18th March 10.28 Am**

Heading into Mrs. Jefferson's room, JD grabbed hold of the chart from her bedside and quickly scrolled through the recent entries. Since she was his patient before his… unexpected break… she had immediately been returned to him when he started work again, mostly because no one considered her case interesting enough to keep for them selves.

The woman was sixty five years old and for the last four weeks had been in a medically induced coma. She was in a car accident and her injuries were so severe that he felt the only way to treat them without causing her further pain was to resort to a few weeks of sleep. The drugs that were keeping her under, however, had been clear from her system for three days now, and she still had not woken up.

"Okay Mrs. Jefferson…" JD mumbled as he continually flipped through her chart, trying to work out if there was an underlining reason for her current condition. Yet as he looked at the white sheets of paper, each word slowly began to morph together until not a single thing on the page made sense, it had all turned into a mass of colour that no one would be able to understand.

Shaking his head and blinking repetitively, JD placed his hands on his head. Taking a few deep breathes he tried to focus but no matter how much he did this, he still could not read a single word which was on the chart, not even the doses she had been given.

"Having some trouble?" The familiar voice of the Janitor called out just as JD threw the chart across the room, not even bothering to turn his head to see where it had landed.

"What do you care?" JD replied in a strange icy voice, his eyes glaring daggers into the man he was usually afraid of. For a second, the Janitor looked slightly taken aback by this response, not at all used to the man talking in the way he just had. His voice sounded almost foreign and unrecognisable, almost as if it was not his own, in fact if the Janitor hadn't seen him say it himself, he would never have believed that tone came from the young doctor.

"I don't, just making conversation, rumour has it that you're having a mental break down, I just wanted to see if it's true…." He replied with a cocky grin as he looked him up and down. "I hope it's because of me, always wanted to know if I could do that to someone again."

JD didn't respond, instead he just turned towards him with an expression of both pure puzzlement and disbelief. He honestly wouldn't put it past the Janitor to drive someone so insane that they ended up fetal against the cellar room door, yet from all the stories the man had told over the years, he neither believed him nor cared one way or the other.

"He was a lot like you actually, annoyed the hell out of me, so I tortured him day after day after day, until one day he snapped, killed a man thinking it was me. Shame really he was an okay doctor, think he's in a mental institution now, poor Bastard.  
But it's his own fault; he shouldn't have stuck that chewing gum in the door." The janitor continued, speaking so matter of fact that it was almost scary.

JD just looked at him, his face now blank from any emotions, he wasn't even tempted to respond as he shoved passed the man shaking his head in the process and left the room. The janitor simply shrugged and turned his attention to the discarded medical chart. It had landed not far from the bed in the dingy hospital room, the only light coming from an outdated bulb on the ceiling. Bending down he reached over and picked it up before taking a quick look though the pages.

"Hmmm…I wonder if he knows this isn't hers," he muttered out loud as he read the name of the one sick person in the building he had actually talked to, the one suffering from liver failure. "Ah well…"

Standing up straight he took two steps over to Mrs. Jefferson's bed and placed the chart at the end, he was just a janitor after all; it wasn't his job to point out incompetent doctor's mistakes, now was it?

No, his job was to just drive the ones that couldn't handle it as far away from people as possible…..

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When it was finally time for his lunch break, JD decided that instead of heading down for food, he was just simply going to slip out of the hospital doors undetected and take the fifteen minute drive over to St. Mary's. He hadn't had any news on his son's progress in over five hours and to be frank, he was worried sick.

The nurses had promised to phone him if there was even the slightest change in Sammy's condition, but JD didn't trust them to do that. He, being a doctor himself, knew that hospital staff just said things like that to keep the families happy, that unless their was a major decline in a patients health, they wouldn't say a thing.

Heading down to the ground floor, he immediately turned in the direction of the emergency exit. While the doors were supposed to remain closed at all times, it was a well known fact that Kelso had disabled the alarm so he could make a quick getaway at the end of the day.

Brushing past a couple of interns, who glared at him through what could only be described as 'the evil eye', JD continued down the corridor until there was just a corner separating him from his ticket out of the hospital. He was surprised however to see the black curly hair and pink scrubs which undoubtedly belonged to Carla, pressed up against that very corner, now only a few feet in front of him.

She was clearly talking to someone, but with that person at the other side of the L shaped wall, the doctor was unable to see who.

As he got a few steps closer he clearly heard his name being mentioned and stopped abruptly, wondering what on earth she was talking about.

"I am serious; Turk told me he practically tore one of the intern's in two!" he heard Carla say in that tone of voice which everyone hated. JD rolled his eyes at that, but otherwise remained completely still, he knew he shouldn't be eavesdropping, but seeing as she was talking about him, he didn't see the harm in it. Besides, if she didn't want him to overhear her then she should have had the conversation in woman's locker room or something.

"But that's so unlike him, you don't think he's trying to be like Dr Cox do you?" The voice of Elliot Reed replied, causing JD to groan slightly, of course it would be her, of all the people Carla Espinosa was going to be gossiping with it would be his ex girlfriend.

"Do you?" She replied, avoiding answering the question completely. Whilst this wasn't uncommon, JD was starting to see it as what it was, a way to avoid giving an answer. He had come to realise that although Carla loved to gossip and tell people exactly what she thought, she also hated being wrong and when a question could be turned into one she wouldn't have to answer, it usually was.

"I honestly don't know. I guess it kinda makes sense, he idolises the man. It's probably just another one of his 'get Dr. Cox to notice me' plans," Elliot continued with a sigh, causing JD's mouth to drop, did they honestly think that? Think that just because he lost his temper, (for a very understandable reason) that he did it in order for Dr. Cox to like him? Surely no one thought that little of him?

"The man is thirty years old; he can't still be looking for approval from his mentor?" Carla replied as she shifted her daughter into her other arm and bounced her over her shoulder, causing the baby to smile as she noticed her uncle JD standing by the wall. "I've seen dozens of people try and get that pat on the back they so desperately crave, yet it never happens, when is he ever going to realise that he is no different? Dr. Cox is a selfish man who just doesn't connect with anyone."

"If I know JD, and come on I think I know him pretty well, I don't think he ever will! It's like he's trying to get a new father figure in his life, a very unwilling one at that," Elliot replied simply as Izzy started to whimper slightly at being ignored by her third favourite person.

"I'm not sure; maybe we're just reading too much into this, for all we know he could have been in a bad mood because he found out that the Gilmore Girls were being cancelled…." Carla added, before letting out a giggle at the thought of her husband and his husband's faces if that ever actually happened. Come to think of it she would probably pay anyone just to see their over the top response.

Hearing enough, JD shook his head and forced himself to walk around the corner, causing both Elliot and Carla to stiffen as their eyes landed on him. For a moment none of the three said a word, but then Elliot smiled slightly and just looked at her friend with a fake grin.

"Hey JD, how's Kim doing? I take it she's gone on maternity leave early." she asked, clearly pretending that the entire conversation hadn't taken place as the uncertainty of what he had heard sunk in.

"I'll tell you something that girl is the best thing to happen to you, she's a keeper… so do all of us a favour and don't screw this up!" Carla continued when it became obvious that JD was not going to respond. She was completely oblivious however to the affect those words were having on the attending who closed his eyes as he imagined Kim's dead corpse lying in the morgue, her skin cold and lifeless.

It may have been a strange thing to think about but the fact was, he had screwed up, he never paid attention when she told him how much she had stayed in hospital as a child. If he had bothered to press the issue and ask why, then maybe they wouldn't have been in this situation to begin with, maybe she would still have been alive.

When he once again failed to answer the two women exchanged worried looks as they watched him carefully.

"JD, please tell me you didn't mess things up?" Elliot asked slowly, causing JD to turn around and properly face them, his eyes betraying his real feelings for a split second.

"Actually yeah I did, I messed up big time and Kim paid for it!" he growled and as both Carla and Elliot shook their heads disappointedly, JD turned around and ran back in the direction he had come from, a nauseating feeling washing over him as the image of Kim's dead body once again flashed before his eyes.

Charging down the hallway, he put his hand over his mouth and rushed into the nearest bathroom, not caring who on earth he had bumped into on his mission to reach the toilets.

As soon as he entered the room, he threw a cubical stall open and fell to his knees, emptying the contents of his stomach into the bowl in the process.

It was his fault, he was a doctor for Christ sake and he hadn't even realised  
something was wrong. The surgeon had told him she must have felt rough for a while and that her fainting spells were due to the little oxygen that was being allowed to travel around her body, her heart not having the strength to work properly. He was a doctor and he had never bothered to question Kim when she put the fainting down to slight anaemia; he hadn't thought it was serious…. Now look where that had gotten them both.

After a few minutes he retched a couple of times before moving his body and collapsing against the wooden wall, breathing heavily as the tears poured down his face.

He knew that he should probably get up before anybody saw him, but apart of him just simply didn't care as he tried to calm himself down, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to block out the intense light which was making his own dizziness worse.

When he eventually opened them again, he nearly jumped out of his skull as he saw what appeared to be a floating glass of water in front of his face. Shaking his head vigorously he soon realised that there was actually a hand holding the liquid out to him… in other words the toilets was obviously not as empty as he first thought.

Rather reluctantly he glanced upwards, cursing himself for letting someone see him in this sort of state, his horror instantly intensified however as he saw the unimpressed face of Dr. Cox staring down at him.

"Drink!" He ordered and JD found his hand involuntarily reaching up and grasping hold of the disposable cup. His whole body was now visibly shaking, something which was made more noticeable as the water splashed from side to side. Ignoring the look he was receiving completely, JD downed the liquid in one as his throat continued to burn from the traces of acidic bile.

"Easy there Katrina or you'll end up feeling ten times worse!" Dr. Cox said carefully as he took the cup back from him, before crouching down and placing his hand on JD's forehead. After a few seconds he stood up again, shaking his head as he held his hand out in order to help the man to his feet.

JD however just stared at it like it was some sort of monster out to get him, almost afraid that he would be further humiliated if he reached out. Once again shaking his head, the attending grabbed hold of JD before forcing him to his feet, automatically reaching out with his other arm in order to steady him.

"You look like shit," he commented as soon as he let go of JD, who simply nodded in agreement, knowing if he looked even half as bad as he felt, he probably looked like death. "Go home your no use here anyway." He continued before pushing past the young man who considered him some sort of mentor and leaving the bathroom.

After he was gone, JD took a couple of deep breaths, walked over to the sink and, without looking in the mirror, splashed cold water all over his face. He took a couple of minutes of just standing there before he found the courage to turn around and follow the older man out of the room.

Dreading what people would say if they saw the state of him, he forced the little voice to the back of his head before pushing the door open and stepping back into the busy hospital corridor.

He was surprised though to see Dr. Cox waiting on the other side, looking at him with an expression JD had never seen before. He almost looked worried about him as he took a second look at his pale complexion and stared into his eyes which by now were bright red.

"You seriously look worse than my anorexic patient… I meant what I said newbie, go home, the haunted little girl look doesn't suite you," Dr Cox added causing JD to look down in embarrassment. No one was supposed to see him like that; he had spent hours that very morning telling himself not to show any emotions at work, that if he did this very thing would happen. He would stand in front of Dr. Cox and be ripped to pieces for being such a weak pathetic baby. He could just see by the look in his mentor's eyes that he was determined to say something which would make the attending feel about two inches tall.

"Okay I have spent years trying to shut you up and finally accepted that it cannot be done, so I am only going to ask this once and if you fail to answer, then this conversation is over," the older man said after JD once again failed to say even a single word to him. "… What's wrong newbie? Why do you look like you have just been told your kitty cat has been run over?"

That small sentence wasn't what the brunette was expecting but he still didn't comment, after all what could he say? He couldn't very well blurt out that this fiancé(?) had died in emergency surgery from a heart condition he never even knew she had and his son was seriously ill in an incubator and might not pull through, now could he? He especially couldn't admit it to Dr. Cox of all people, even if he was actually the only one to ask him that question today.

It really came to something when the man who claims is annoyed the most by you, is the only one who notices that something is wrong.

"…" JD opened and closed his mouth but no words came out, it was like he was physically incapable of answering that question, there were too many things to say in such a short expected response, to many emotions fizzling around inside of him.

He knew if he even tried to say how he really felt then he would break down all over again, and in the middle of a crowded hospital too; so he did the one thing he knew would get Dr Cox of his back… he said nothing.

"Fine then, I don't have time to be standing around all day. Some of us have work to do," with that Dr Cox turned his back on JD and grabbed a patient's chart from the nurses' station. Glancing over his shoulder at the pitiful form of the attending, he grunted before simply walking away, leaving JD once again all on his own.

**(a/n) Hopefully this chapter flowed okay as I really wanted a short little scene with everyone's favourite janitor, but wasn't sure how to go about it. The good news is I have decided to give him another role in this story than just tormenting JD… but in a janitor-ly way if that makes sense… if not your sure to find out what on earth I'm on about later on. Thanks for all the lovely reviews and I hope you liked this chapter.**


	4. One less secret

**Chapter 4- One less secret**

_Since Dr. Cox had sent me home anyway, I headed straight for the hospital, determined to spend the rest of the day with my son. The truth of the matter was I hadn't been back to the apartment since Kim had died and, to be perfectly honest, I couldn't see myself going back there any time soon._

_I needed to be with the one connection I still had to the woman I love- loved. _  
_Unfortunately it may have been better if I had gone home, at least then I could have avoided that damn corridor!_

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**Tuesday 18th March 1:07pm**

Walking into the small room Sammy was kept in; JD took a seat next to the incubator and just stared down at his son, praying that he would pull through. He couldn't understand why God, (if he existed) forced him to go through all of this. Sammy was a helpless little baby; he didn't deserve to have to lie fighting for his life at just a few days old.

He was tiny, probably only slightly bigger than the length of both of the attending's hands put together, his skin was so paper thin it was practically see-through and he was covered with wires.

He had to have a tube down his throat to fill his lungs with air and keep them from collapsing. Since he kept going into cardiac arrest, the doctors had inserted a bi pass like machine that morning in order to help his fragile heart. His stomach was too weak to handle even a droplet of milk, meaning he wasn't going to put on weight anytime soon. He had to have dialysis due to his failing kidneys and to top things off he was dosed up on drugs to thin his blood in case it started clotting. To say he was in a bad way was a bit of an understatement and JD had this nagging feeling that things were only going to get worse.

The small baby had barely moved an inch since he was born and although his eyes could open, they rarely did; he just didn't have the strength to move them.

"Dr. Dorian what are you doing here?" One of the specialist nurses asked as she walked in the room only to see the child's father sitting loyally by his bedside. "I thought you had to work?"

"I got sent home early… how is he?" he asked almost instantly, jumping to his feet, waiting in anticipation for an answer. The nurse just smiled sadly at him and walked over to check the baby's vitals. While she did this JD remained completely silent, the only sound that could be heard was the beeping of the machines. It was almost like he thought if he didn't say a word then everything would be magically fixed just like on TV. Unfortunately this wasn't a TV show, and in reality things didn't always work like that. A baby that was ill didn't just recover over night; it took weeks, months even, for them to show any improvement.

"Not good I'm afraid… while thankfully we've been able to keep his heart going, the doctors ordered a few tests while you were at work. Dr. Reardon is going to come by in a little bit and discuss the results with you," she eventually spoke as she stopped what she was doing and turned to face him. "Being a doctor yourself, I am sure you have all sorts of outcomes running through your head, but the important thing to remember is not to listen to them. For now, your son is alive and with each hour that passes the chance of him proving everyone wrong and making it a week grows stronger." She continued before placing a comforting hand on the man's shoulder. She stayed like that for a minute or two before the sound of her pager going off forced her away.

JD barely noticed her leaving as he just stood by the incubator, his hands resting against the glass which separated him from his son. He wished that they left his chart in the room; at least that way he could know what tests they had put his tiny baby through. He could have had anything from a CT scan to blood work, the fact was he didn't know, and without even that small amount of knowledge he had no way of narrowing down what was wrong with him.

At the very least if he knew what they had done, he could take a few guesses on what the surgeon was going to say. He could prepare himself for the worst possible outcomes. But without it, he had nothing but his fears to fall back on, ones that weren't going to go away any time soon.

As he stood there, staring at his baby, he scarcely even registered the other parents coming and going. Sammy was one of five premature infants in the small ICU. The incubators were all lined up side by side, a chair placed beside each one for visitors to sit on. Over the last couple of days it seemed each child got more and more guests, cards wishing them all the luck in the world and, of course, cuddly toys. The nursery-like room was filled with colours to help stimulate the children and presents from their families.

It was only Samuel Perry Gilligan-Dorian's part of the room which was not showered with gifts. JD was in no state to go and buy anything for his son, too afraid that if he did it would make everything worse. Unfortunately, unlike all the other babies, no one else knew he even existed and although a part of JD was aware of the fact he was depriving his own family of the chance to meet the newest addition, he could not bring himself to pick up that phone.

He had no idea how long he stayed like that for, watching Sam's chest rise and fall, but it must have been a while for soon enough the loud grumbling of his stomach brought him back to his senses. He hadn't been at all hungry when he entered the hospital, and his stomach refused to accept food over the last few days, so for him to be standing there, with it demanding some food, he must have been there for a few good hours.

Deciding that he wouldn't miss much by just nipping down to the St. Mary's canteen and grabbing maybe a sandwich and coffee, JD took one last look at his son before forcing himself out of the room. He hated leaving him. In fact, his heart ached the moment the door closed, but the doctor in him knew that if he didn't eat he'd be no use to anyone, least of all Sam.

He was by now an expert at finding the room from Sammy's and it took him less than a few minutes to make it down to the food counter and even less time to pay for any random sandwich. As soon as he took a bite though, he regretted the decision not to actually notice what he was buying, as the not so lovely taste of a tomato and pepper roll filled his mouth. He didn't spit it out though, he chewed it and chewed it, determined to at least eat something that day. Besides it was so damn expensive here that he wasn't going to go back and buy another one.  
After forcing himself to swallow something he had no desire to taste ever again, JD turned towards the door, his coffee firmly in one hand and headed down the hallway.

The problem was he was so preoccupied that he took a left turning instead of the right one and by the time he realised he wasn't at the staircase he was meant to be at, it was too late, and he was completely lost.

He was in some sort of large hallway with flower white walls and crystal clean floor tiles, there were benches placed outside each room and the words private seemed to be written everywhere. Cursing to him self, JD glanced up and down the corridor wondering where on earth he had ended up. After a moment or two he glanced upwards to where signs were usually hung, and sure enough there was one at the end of the corridor.

_Cosmetic treatment…._

Shaking his head slightly as he realised of all the places to end up this had to be the worst he turned around and began walking in the direction he had come from… at least that was the plan; unfortunately it came to a halt when he walked straight into some look obsessed forty year old.

"Watch it you stupid old goat…" The woman shouted as she turned around to look at the fool who dared to bump into her, it wasn't like the corridor was packed full of people and they couldn't avoid her. Her face soon turned from an expression of annoyance to one of complete irritation as she realised she knew the person standing in front of her "What are you doing here?" She instantly asked as the realisation of who he was dawned on her.

JD immediately swore under his breath and rubbed at his tired eyes, trying to convince himself that the woman wasn't actually there, unfortunately, when he opened them again, she was.

The woman just scoffed at this and folded her arms before she began to tap her foot impatiently; she wasn't one to wait for an answer even if she was the one to ask the question in the first place.

"Oh, I was just… visiting." JD mumbled in response, unsure of what he could possibly say that wouldn't raise suspicion. The forty year old just shook her head at that and raised her eyebrows, clearly not buying the answer. For someone who paid very little attention to people; she certainly didn't miss the fact his response was almost a question of its own.

"You're not thinking of leaving good old Sacred Heart, are you? Because I'm sure everyone would be so devastated to lose such a valuable member of the team," She said in a heavily sarcastic and patronizing voice, a grin appearing on her face as she thought of people's reactions to that news, especially one person in particular.

"Is there something you want or can I go now?" JD replied, as he folded his own arms, not wanting to stick around and talk to her anymore than she really wanted to talk to him.

"An apology would be nice, but to be perfectly honest I don't really care. Although I have to say, nice to see you're starting to grow a pair, Sally," she bit back, her lips curling in an evil smirk, causing JD to roll his eyes and attempt to get past her. When she stepped to the side refusing to let him pass he tried to go round her the other way, only for her to do the exact same thing.

"Are you trying to annoy me? What are you even doing here?" JD eventually asked when he gave up trying to find a way to get though her, he may have been annoyed and filled with what he was now referring to as 'grief rage' but it didn't take the fear of the woman away, at least not completely.

"Having some Botox, I noticed a line!"

"Well can't you go in the waiting room like a normal person?" JD growled as he once again attempted to get passed her… he failed miserably as she again blocked his path and he soon began to wonder where he would end up if he carried on down the corridor instead of going back the way he came.

"Did you seriously just say that?" The brunette replied with her eyebrows raised even higher than they were before, completely hiding her amusement as she kept her face free from emotions. "Kim obviously hasn't learned how to stop the back talk!"

He tried, God he tried to stop himself, he chewed on his tongue until it literally started to bleed, but his will power alone was not strong enough to stop what came out of his mouth next… he seriously needed to put up a sign telling everyone to not mention Kim's name.

"Well would you have preferred me to say it's probably a good thing you're getting treatment because quite frankly your getting so old you look worse than my Nana Hobs and she's been dead for nine years!"

_Damn it!_

JD instantly snapped his eyes closed in preparation of getting beaten to death by the person nicknamed Godzilla, judging by the small glimpse of her face that he got, he was going to pay big time for saying something like that.  
Jordon looked like she was going to explode and kill him on the spot. He could sense the steam pouring from her ears as her face went an unnatural shade of red.

Before she could say a single word, however, foot steps appeared behind them and JD was forced to open his eyes as he heard the familiar voice of his son's surgeon, Dr. Reardon.

"JD, there you are, Nurse Tina said you were here, I have to talk to you about your son's treatment," He called out as he approached the duo, causing Jordon's expression to be turned to one of confusion.

"Kim popped the baby?" she asked, looking up at the young doctor she had always called DJ with a questioning face. He purposely avoided looking at the woman though as his eyes locked on to the person in charge of his son's treatment. "You know what I don't care… and if I didn't have my appointment in less than thirty seconds I would tear you into tiny pieces until there was nothing left, but since I do, I'll leave you to sweat." She continued, before giving JD the deadliest glare ever and stalking off down the corridor to see her consultant.

"What's going on?" JD asked, honestly not caring that Jordan had learnt of his son's existence, all that was going though his head was pure worry for the little life which had barely begun.

"We did an echo early this morning and discovered the reason for Samuel's repetitive cardiac arrests. He has a rather large hole in his heart but it can be fixed through surgery. I'm sorry to say this, but we need a decision from you immediately about the course of action we are to take next. Because he is so weak we don't know if he will pull through the anaesthetic, however, if he doesn't have this surgery then we won't be able to restart his heart the next time it stops," Dr. Reardon said slowly, leading JD towards a chair in the hallway so he could sit down. "And unfortunately it's only a matter of time until it does."

JD said nothing for what appeared to be the longest time in history. It was safe to say that the news had completely knocked the wind out of him. This was what he had been dreading, from the moment the nurse had told him more tests had been ordered. A part of him knew it would lead to something like this…but still he needed a little bit more confirmation, the information not quite settling in.

"Are you saying that if Sam doesn't have this surgery he'll die, but if he does have it he hardly has a chance of pulling through anyway?" JD garbled as a fresh batch of tears began falling down his face, nothing but pure devastation written all over him.

"I'm afraid so…."

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Five excruciatingly long hours later and Dr. Cox's shift was finally over. Walking up to his apartment he placed the key inside the lock and forced the door open, in desperate need of at least half a bottle of scotch followed hopefully by a few hours of hot sex.

As far as he was concerned today had to have been the longest and most trying one of the year so far. He had a total of eleven patient's code on him, seven of which could not be brought back. That of course led him to having to break the news to their respective families, shortly followed by a stack of paper work which he had yet to complete, whilst trying to diagnose and treat the remaining five. On top of that he, being the one to send JD home, had to cover all of his patients as well.

Basically it had not been a good day!

Yet as soon as he stepped through the door, his plans of a nice Cox centred evening instantly went down the drain, for instead of his luxury $1,000 sofa being in the middle of the room, he was greeted by the sight of Jordan beating the crap out of a boxing bag.

"Err Jordan… what? What are you doing?" he asked in bewilderment as he watched the woman beat the hell out of a bag now hanging from their ceiling, anger and determination taking possession of her expression.

"What's it look like?" she called back as she continuously beat the bag of beans to the point that if it had been human, it would have needed quite a lot of surgery to repair the damage she had inflicted.

"Well it looks like you have remodelled our apartment to look like a gym… which is fine but, where are we going to sit?" he replied, seeing as the couch had mysteriously disappeared along with his spare chairs and strangely enough the liquor cabinet… God he really needed that drink.

"Wherever you want Perry!" she continued before spinning around and kicking the side of the bag, hard enough for it to spin around so Dr Cox could see she had drawn a face on the front.

"Who's the unlucky victim?" he asked with a chuckle as he headed over to the kitchen to pour himself the liquor he so desperately craved from his private stash.

"DJ!" She shot at him, causing Dr Cox to choke on the little liquid which had passed his lips and spit it back out into the glass. "He called me old and implied I looked like a dead eighty year old."

"Newbie?" He sputtered in disbelief, while trying his hardest not to laugh. Although he didn't doubt that the image of JD saying that to his ex wife was funny, he had to admit it raised a few concerns. Sure he insulted people, but not like that, and especially not Jordan, hell the kid was terrified of her, so how the hell he got the courage to so much as think that was beyond him. Besides it was JD! He didn't do those sorts of things, whether he was ill or not.

"Yes 'newbie'," she continued, with a roll of her eyes, really not in the mood to have any sort of conversation, all she wanted to do was complete her current task in peace.

"When did you see him?" Dr Cox replied, his curiosity getting the better of him. Inwardly he actually cringed, if there was one thing Perry Cox hated it was having to hear information second hand especially from his ex wife of all people.

"He was in St Mary's visiting his stupid kid, why does it even matter when I saw him, aww are you missing your little puppy already?" Jordan said with a snort oblivious to how confused her statement made the man she loved (to torture). Sure she knew it wasn't like the brunette man-child to talk to anyone like that, but to be honest she couldn't care less.

"His what?" Dr Cox practically spat as he darted around to face the forty year old, almost dropping his drink on the floor in the process.

"His kid, from what I gather was born a couple of days ago, and no I didn't bother to find out the sex who cares." she replied before pausing for a second and turning to face the doctor as the surprise in his voice registered. "Didn't you know?"

"No…"

**(A/n) so is that counted as a double cliff-hanger or what? Decided it was about time this story had one, so why not two in a row… Please don't kill me lol I promise the next chapter will be up soon enough. In fact im going to start writing it now…**


	5. Decisions

**Chapter 5- Important decisions**

_I didn't go into work the next day. Instead I sat by Sammy's bedside just watching him sleep. The doctor had given me until 9 am to make a decision and I still had no idea what to do… to make matters worse I had less that twenty minutes until they wanted their answer._

_It sounded simple right, give my son the chance to live or let him die? But it wasn't, if I chose for him to have the surgery then in half an hour's time he may not be here, at least if I chose for him not to, I would have a few more days with my little boy._

_It was so hard for me to even start to believe that he may not be here tomorrow._

_I loved him so much already; more than I ever thought was possible. He was mine and Kim's miracle and I did not want to play God with his life. But in the end I didn't really have a choice…._

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

**Wednesday 19th March 8:40 am**

As the clock ticked, all JD could do was stare as each second went by, every minute that passed was just one more minute closer to when those surgeons were going to come into the room demanding an answer when he just didn't have.

How could he sit there on his own and be expected to make a decision this big? The other parents had come in earlier and tried talking to him, suggesting all sorts of things to try and help him. But he didn't listen to even one of them.

To be honest he hadn't even heard what they had said.

He had just lost the love of his life and now was expected to basically say which day his son died on. After everything that had happened, he was now quite pessimistic and simply didn't believe Sam stood a change under anaesthetic.

He didn't even move his head as he saw the doors open once again and the same nurse walked in. But instead of checking the young baby's vitals as she always did, she walked towards the glass and reached out. For a moment she remained perfectly still, before she smiled softly and pulled open a small door, which was just big enough for someone to put their hands through.

"Dr. Reardon thought it might help you decide what to do, if you could touch your son," she said carefully, causing JD to look up at her in surprise. Again she just smiled before reaching over and pulling the young doctor of seven years to his feet. "Don't worry you wont hurt him, just be gentle."

Then almost in slow motion she turned and walked back out of the room, leaving JD and his son to have some quality time together. For a while he didn't do a thing. He just stared at the glass free hole which allowed him to see his son without anything in the way. Then ever so slowly his hand started twitching, until it reached out and shakily went through the small space.

It took a further three minutes before JD gathered the courage to actually touch his baby's skin and God it felt so much softer than he had ever expected. The feelings which flew through him were almost indescribable, the amount of love which plagued his heart actually brought tears to his eyes, and for the first time in a while, they were not tears of heartache and pain but tears of pure joy.

Ever so gently, for he was absolutely terrified he would hurt him, he began tracing his finger up and down Sammy's skinny little arm, his smile widening as he felt the boy's body relax. At that moment he even thought he knew the feeling Elliot was talking about when she said her uterus was glowing, touching his son just felt so magical.

"Hi Sammy…" he mumbled softy, addressing his son by his name for the first time. Sure he had always called him it, but since he was born he never found the strength to call the boy the name which was on his birth certificate… until now that is. "I'm your daddy," he croaked before reaching out with his spare hand and pulling the chair in the room closer, so he could sit down.

Yet he didn't remove his hand from the incubator as he continued to stroke his son lovingly, just wishing that Kim had been alive long enough to do this, even once. It literally tore him up inside knowing that the baby she had longed to meet, she would never even get to see.

The mother of the baby girl who was born with only one lung, glanced up as she heard the man speak for the first time since they had been moved into the ICU. Her face was soft and carefree as she cradled her daughter, watching the man unaware as his voice filled the room.

"I love you so much Sammy!" he said as he closed his eyes and allowed the tears to fall down his cheeks as a mixture of emotions suddenly floored him. Happiness, joy, sadness and sorrow, everything he could be feeling at that point he was. "It tears me apart knowing how much you're suffering. Your mom would never have wanted this. She always dreamed of her perfect little baby being placed in her arms, she said… she said she didn't care what you looked like as long as you were healthy, because you were ours, our little boy."

At this point the woman, who had introduced herself as Amy and couldn't have been more than twenty years old, got to her feet and placed her daughter back into the incubator. For a moment she just stood there and stared at the man who had gone deadly silent again, and then ever so slowly she turned around and left the room, mumbling just loud enough for him to hear, that she would give him some privacy.

"She so wanted to meet you," JD continued, oblivious to the banging of the ward doors as the first time mother slipped away. "She pictured your face every day, described how she dreamt of sitting in a hospital bed, you in her arms, knowing it was all going to be okay. The look on her face when she was told she was in labour in that ambulance was horrifying, she was so scared, but the one thing I do know is how she would never blame you for that. She loves you even beyond the grave and I just know that she is here with you now, standing by my side, watching over her baby."

He broke down after that, tears flowing down his face like there was no tomorrow as apart of the grief he felt over Kim's passing started to let itself out. He had yet to let himself grief, at least not properly but somehow standing by his son's side he felt apart of the suppressed grief flowing out of him like unwanted lightning on a warm summer's day.

"I named you after my dad you know," he eventually added as he used his spare arm to wipe away the tears. "Even though he was never there for me, I named you after him because at the end of the day I still loved him to pieces, more than he will ever know… I just really hope you don't have to meet him anytime soon. I know he would look after you because he was always there when you really needed him, but I just… I can't have you going to him and your mom yet!" JD cried as his finger trailed down to Sam's small little hand. "You are all I have left, I lost your mother and I just cannot lose you too, Sammy, I can't! I couldn't bear it if this turned out to be the last time I saw you, if I ended your short life early just by making the wrong choice."

JD stopped moving his hand and closed his eyes as fresh tears sprung from them and his heart tightened dramatically. As he glanced over to the clock, he realised one horrible thing. He only had five minutes left.

Shaking his head repetitively, he went to draw his hand from the incubator, when the most amazing thing happened. Slowly the little hand that belonged to his son, snapped shut and squeezed hold of his index finger. What surprised JD the most, other than the first movement the boy had made, was how tightly he was holding on.

If JD was completely honest, he didn't think even he could hold something with that much strength and with the little energy that Sammy actually had, well it was just the most amazing thing he had ever been a part of. As he moved his hand slightly, JD smiled as he came to the realisation that Sammy was not letting go.

It was almost as if he was trying to tell him something… like he was delivering a message to his father the only way he knew how, by showing the strength he really had inside of him.

It may sound cliché but at that moment JD knew exactly what the right decision was, exactly what he had to do. Sammy was showing him that he was stronger than he looked, that he had a stronger spirit inside of him than anybody knew. And he was saying something else as well, by holding on to his dad the way he was, to JD it was like he was telling him how much he wanted to live.

Hearing the doors open JD turned around to face Dr. Reardon who was by now standing in the doorway, his face looking questionably at JD, the young girl standing closely behind him.

"Do it!" he said simply before turning back round to face his son… he only hoped he had made the right choice, that in the end it worked out okay… for if it didn't… well he simply didn't want to finish that thought.

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Four hours later and JD was still sitting outside the operating theatre, waiting for news of his son, every time one of the doors swung open he would pray everything was okay and jump to his feet, before sinking back dejectedly when he realised that no one was going to tell him anything.

At first he just sat there staring at the clock, a feeling of total numbness washing over him as he tried desperately to ignore the voices in his head. Then he started pacing, glancing at the surgical doors every couple of seconds, just to make sure he hadn't missed anyone go by. If anyone even entered the corridor he scanned every inch of their bodies just to see whether they held any traces of his son. Not even one of them did.

Even the nurses who went though those doors hadn't the slightest trace of blood on them, none of them would even look at him, instead they walked through, bypassing the young man completely.

After what felt like an eternity the moment he had been waiting for arrived as the operating doors burst open and Dr. Reardon walked out. Stopping in front of the young man, he ever so slowly pulled down his mask and gave him a gentle smile.

"JD, can you sit down please," he asked, causing JD to collapse on the chair behind him, already thinking the worse.

"Is he okay?" he cried out, the worry starting to become too much, one person could only handle so much before they started to go over the edge and JD was currently balancing on that cliff.

"Thankfully he managed to pull through the surgery," the man stated, a small smile on his face, causing JD to let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding.

"So what's the problem?" he asked after a moment or two, knowing that he wouldn't have asked him to sit down the way he had if everything was really okay.

"During the operation he suffered a massive heart attack and we only just managed to bring him back. His body was starved of oxygen for a very long time… even longer than yesterday morning. While he is stable now; we are not sure how long that will last. We need to tell you that a scan has shown that the apart of his brain has been damaged, and we think there is a strong possibility that he has completely lost the use of his lower legs. He is showing no feeling anywhere below the knees… meaning that if he does pull through there is very little hope he will ever be able to walk," the surgeon continued before patting a silent JD on the shoulder and standing up, ready to go work on his next patient. "On the bright side, I don't think he will need any more surgery any time soon and there is a little baby in the recovery room waiting for his father… "

With that said the man turned and walked away, JD however remained completely still as he took in what had just been told.

He simply just shook his head over and over as he tried to get his mind around the information he had been given. His beautiful baby may never get the chance to lead a normal life. JD had suffered himself with bullies at school and could just imagine what children would say when they learnt he was different, that he was stuck in a wheel chair not being able to run around and play like everyone else.

That's when something hit him, something which may have seemed insignificant, but to him meant wonders, simply because for the first time since he was born, a doctor who was treating Sammy had mentioned his future!

Full out charging down the corridor JD could hardly believe what his mind was telling him, that his son had a stronger chance of making it now than ever… Sammy really had proved the doctors at St. Mary's wrong and the attending didn't care what everyone else thought, he knew in his heart that his little boy would at the very least outlive the deadline he had been given.

Sadly, he was so preoccupied with getting to his son, to let the boy know that his daddy was still with him, that JD paid little attention to the directions hanging from the ceilings.

He should have known by now, he had been a part of so many people's lives that he just should have known. Known that when a situation which only looked bleak improved that much in a short space of time, that something would always happen. Something would always bring a person crashing back down to the reality of what was going on around them.

When he came to two identical doors, he didn't stop to think which one he should go though; he just pushed one of them open and went inside. It was a lot darker in there than he had expected, but thought nothing of it as he made his way to where he saw a small amount of light. However instead of seeing the infant, what he saw next made his blood run cold, as an image which would haunt him for the rest of his life flashed in front of his eyes.

He hadn't gone to the recovery room at all, quite the opposite actually and although he had seen one of these taking place at his own hospital, he never felt so violently ill as he eyes were forced to watch an autopsy. The man who was examining a young woman's dead body turned around at that moment and stared at the man in confusion, wondering why he was down here. Then he looked at the person he currently had his hands inside, to the tortured look on the young man's and something just seemed to click in his brain.

"Get the hell out of here!" he yelled out, but JD could not move as he stared at the lifeless body lying on the table, the woman's hair mangled with blood, her skin completely purple and the gaping whole in her chest. As the man headed towards him, JD felt his stomach lunge as he looked at the sight in front of him. The mortician went to grab his arm, to remove him from the premises but JD beat him to it.

Spinning on his heels in ran from the room and keeled over outside, empty what little contents he had in his stomach all over the hospital floor, before he collapsed to the ground shaking worse than he ever had in his entire life.

_Kim…_

**(A/n) I know this is a lot shorter than the other chapters but I felt that was a good place to end, I hope everyone understands what just happened… and don't kill me for it…**


	6. The note book

**Chapter 6- The note book**

_As I dragged myself into work the next day, I felt worse than I had ever felt before. It had now been five days since my life basically went down the crapper and although I was pleased my son was doing a lot better I could not get the image I saw last night out of my head._

_The little sleep I did have was plagued by nightmares, nightmares of that man, covered in Kim's blood, her body rotting away in front of my very eyes. No one should have to see someone they love like that! No one!_

_Of course everyone at the hospital just thought I was having some sort of male version of PMS. Not one of them had a clue why I refused to talk to people or why I yelled at just about every intern with their stupid idiotic questions. None of my friends knew what was going on and by the way things were going, I very much doubted they would anytime soon._

_The one thing people did notice however was that my anger was getting worse…_

* * *

**Thursday 20th March 5:40 PM**

Walking though the east wing three hours into his shift, JD forced himself to just carry on as normal, to act as if it was just an ordinary day in the life of John Michael Dorian and that what he had seen yesterday had never really taken place.

He hadn't just seen his fiancé's (?) body lying in the morgue, a hole in her chest as some man rummaged though her insides. He hadn't seen her decaying body looking like something from some horror movie, with her being treated like a doll which some mortician could run his filthy hands all over. And he certainly hadn't seen her insides hanging out.

Yet he had, and try as he might he could not get that haunting images from his mind. They were always going to be stuck with him, never leaving him alone even in his sleep. He knew that, despite trying his hardest to convince himself otherwise.

If he ever needed someone to talk to, today would be the day, but again all he got in response from his colleges were them whispering about him, all discussing his new hatred for the interns.

It wasn't like he hated them; they were just the only ones who still talked to him, making them the prime target for his new founded uncontrollable anger. So far today he had lost it with them a total of five times and boy were they making sure the rest of the hospital knew it.

Up until about an hour ago he had successfully avoided treating any of his patients, to afraid that one of their conditions would remind him further of the woman he loved. Dr Kelso however had run out of sympathy and had basically told him he could either treat the patients or get the hell out of his hospital. He would have chosen the later but since Sam's medical bills were rising by the hour, it wasn't really an option.

"Morning Mr Golan." He murmured as he stopped at a bed at the far end of the room. He tried to sound cheerful but it ended up coming out sounding like he was being chocked, as the lump in his throat reappeared and pressed itself against his voice box. Golan was the name of Kim's first pet. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm in a hospital being poked and prodded so what do you think?" The man in his late forties replied as he brushed his long jet black hair away from his greasy skin, folding his arms in annoyance.

"Yeah, well I guess you will be pleased to know your surgery is scheduled for 4 o clock this afternoon."

The man nodded in response before looking away and staring out of the closest window as JD shifted an exhausted yawn.

"When can I go home?" Mr Golan asked eventually as it became apparent that his doctor was in no hurry to go anywhere else anytime soon.

"That depends on if the tumour has spread, we may then need to start chemotherapy." JD replied rather drowsily, clearing his throat a few times to try and make him self sound a little bit better, if anything it made him sound worse. "It also depends on if you develop any infection."

"In that case, do you mind moving on, I don't wanna catch anything."

JD actually looked slightly offended at that and went to say something in return, but couldn't quite bring himself to say a word, knowing that with only having about a few hours sleep each night, he probably looked pretty awful.

As he turned to leave, he instantly frowned as he saw Turk striding towards him chuckling like a little girl. JD simply rolled his eyes at him in annoyance as he realised he was laughing at what MR Golan had just said before charging straight passed him.

The surgeon shrugged at the patient with a cocky grin before he too turned on his heels and followed JD from the ward.

"Sorry about blowing of the other day, but dude I'm seriously glad I did for the last thing I need is to catch the flu." He called out as he quickly caught up with the thirty year old and jumped beside him into the elevator.

"I'm not sick!" JD replied dejectedly as he reached out and pressed the button to go down a few floors. To be honest he had no idea where he was actually heading, he just wanted to get away.

"Sure your not. Just do us a favour and stay away from Carla, I so do not want my little African princess getting anything." Turk continued, to which JD only nodded in return, biting his tongue before he could mutter there was very little chance of him going near Carla anyway. "Any who, you saw the Gilmore girls last night right? Wasn't it just the best episode ever, I mean can you believe Lori?"

As Turk continued going on about the episode JD quite rightly missed, the attending couldn't help but think about how trivial their relationship had become. Sure he loved the show, but it seemed nowadays that's all they talked about, they never talked about anything but the superficial stuff, sort of like how things had gone with Elliot after their break-up.

Unfortunately with everything that had happened, he didn't care too much about that fact or about what had happened with some stupid TV show, where everything always worked out in the end.

"Dude, are you even listening?" Turk yelled out, startling JD, who jumped a little before he shook his head slightly, not seeing the point on covering it up. He knew the surgeon would be mad at him for zoning out, but the truth of the matter was he just wanted to crawl up and fall into a very deep black hole and if Turk didn't like it, well then he should have listened when JD tried to explain everything to him, now shouldn't he?

"What? Were ignoring me?" He growled, not at all used to the vanilla bear tuning out like that.

"Basically." JD replied with a shrug just as the elevator doors opened. Turk didn't care what he had to say the other day and that was actually important, so as far as he was concerned there was no reason he should care about what Turk had to say now, especially since it was about something which was fictional.

"Fine, if that's the way you want to play it, then I'm so out of here." The attending growled as he pushed though the doors and wondered off down the corridor. JD just closed his eyes and leant back against the cool metal wall, before he slid to the floor, sighing as he once again thought the erge to break down.

* * *

_I don't know how long I stayed like that for, I'm sure a few people used the elevator while I just sat there but no one spoke to me. Eventually I simply got up and went to the canteen, deciding that I should at least make some sort of effort to appear normal. Not that it worked out that way; in fact I think it caused people to doubt my sanity even more._

* * *

Standing in the queue in the cafeteria, JD's eyes briefly wondered over the choices of meals, but not even one of them looked even remotely appetising to him. In fact they all looked like something the dog had just thrown up; even the burgers looked like slop.

Now normally that didn't bother him in the slightest, but with his newly sensitive stomach and its insistence to throw everything placed into it up…. Well he didn't think it was the best idea to stuff him self with the food that looked like it already had been eaten.

By the time he reached the pay point he had only one thing on his plate, some nice soft ginger ale, the one thing he knew he was going to be able to keep down.

The catering assistant, all to use to the attending's rather large portions looked up at him in confusion as she studied his empty plate.

"Aren't you going to eat something?" She asked politely as she paused for a moment when typing in his bill.

"Well if anything looked edible I would." He replied almost automatically, biting at his lip as he realised what he had just said.

Everyone instantly fell into a complete silence as his words echoed around the room, the only sound which followed was from the cutlery people held hitting the tables as they turned to face the attending.

Maggie, although friendly as a pie was a lot like Carla deep down, you just didn't insult her or her cooking. It was a well known fact throughout the hospital, there was even rumours she poisoned the last person who dared to say something bad about her food.

"Excuse me?" she said as her mouth dropped and her arms folded across her chest, taking the stance of a woman who was completely and utterly offended. It was obvious to everyone that she expected an apology in the next ten seconds as well as an extra large tip or there would be hell to pay, everyone expect JD that is.

"You heard me." JD replied, his face cringing slightly as he realised what he had just said, yet it was almost like he had no control over the words that were leaving his mouth, his inner self wanting to get rid of his pent up emotions. "Some of this stuff isn't fit for a cow to even sniff."

Luckily the attending still harboured some form of common sense and before the Latina woman had the chance to reply he dumped the money he owed on the counter and hurried of to the table furriest away from everyone, one which was located in the very far corner of the room.

As he stalked across the canteen, he could feel people's eyes following him right until the very second he sat down. After that the noise almost erupted like a volcano, the topic of conversation being diverted straight to the young doctor and what on earth he thought he was playing at.

For a few peaceful minutes JD was left well alone, every single doctor, nurse and surgeon to busy talking about what had just happened to bother him with it. Then as his eyes remained locked with his plastic tray he saw a slow shadow forming until it grew so much that he was forced to look up.

He was immediately greeted by the sight of the janitor standing over him, looking his normal imposing self. Neither of them said a word for a moment as the older man put one of his hands on his hip, making sure his right one stayed firmly behind his back.

"That's 19!" he said simply, causing JD to crease his brow in confusion.

"What is?"

"The amount of people you have upset over the last few days, you might want to watch your back, not everyone is too happy with the new you." He replied simply before patting JD on the shoulder. Instead of being grateful like the janitor obviously expected him to be, JD rolled his eyes, turned his lip up slightly in disgust and turned his head away from the man who made his life a living hell.

"Hey, I'm just trying to help…" The janitor continued, only for JD to spin back round to face him, his eyes glazing over slightly.

"That would be a first, when on earth do you help anybody?" he growled, before pushing his chair back and forcing himself to his feet, gripping onto the edge of the table like his life depended on it. "Listen, please, for once in your miserable life just leave. Me. Alone!"

The janitor just chuckled slightly in response, a sad smile on his face as he looked the young doctor up and down, god he looked like hell.

"What? What is so funny?" JD snarled as he tightened his grip on the pieces of wood, causing his knuckles to actually turn white from the pressure they were under.

"You!" he replied simply as he stuck his hands into his trouser pockets and shook his head. "You keep trying to make people stay away from you, even those you call friends, yet you don't even realise they ain't interested- they don't want to know the reason your acting like a spoilt brat, they don't care. In fact i think you will find this is the longest conversation you have had for a while. Ironic really don't you think? That everyone in this place thinks you belong in the nut house bar the guy who you annoy the most. "

JD's eyes darted around the room for a moment as the Janitor took a seat in front of him, everywhere he looked he could see people's eyes on him, some sniggering to each other, others hiding their amusement in their hands, every single one of them judging him in some capacity.

What right did they have to look down at him? To treat him like he was some sort of caged animal in the zoo?

With his whole body visibly shaking, JD grabbed hold of his ginger ale and threw it all over the man in the jumpsuit, his eyes darkening as fresh tears threatened to fall.

"Laugh at that…" He snarled as the Janitor closed his eyes and using his left hand wiped the juice from his face, looking far from impressed. If JD thought that would stop the laughter though, he was sadly mistaken as more people's expressions turned to ones of bemusement.

"God he is pathetic!" JD heard one of the older doctors mumble to his co worker. For a moment JD just stood there as the Janitor's hardened eyes bore down at him, his hands twitching as the room started spinning, snorting faces flying passed his eyes. Not waiting for another response, JD forced himself to turn around and charge out of the room, despite how little energy he had left in him.

Watching him go, the janitor shook his own head, mostly at the gossiping people he was forced to work with, before glancing down at the book he previously held out of view of anyone else.

"Poor Scooter." He mumbled to himself, before standing back up, turning around and for the first time ever, walking in the completely opposite direction to his torture victim, a purple and red unicorn note book held firmly by his side….

**(a/n) I know not a lot really happened but I needed just a filler chapter and of course that very important event at the end. If anyone has any ideas of how certain people can find out, feel free to summit your ideas! i already know how two people will but stuck on the others..**


	7. Shattering truths

**Chapter 7- shattering truths**

_I knew what I said to the Janitor had been completely out of order, but I just couldn't help myself. It was like the part of me which responded to situations with pure naivety had been destroyed and all that was left was this uncontrollable anger. I hated everyone for just being happy and while I knew that wasn't normal I couldn't help but want to feel like that forever. At least then _

_I wouldn't have to face up to the fact that Kim wasn't coming back, even if it meant my anger only got worse…_

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**Thursday 20th March 8:15 PM**

Storming into the nearest supply closet, something which he hadn't done for years now, JD slammed the door closed before sliding down to the floor. His breathing by this point was unnaturally erratic as he felt like his blood was literally boiling over.

Everyone in the hospital was laughing at him, at what he had become. He had always thought everyone loved who he was and how he constantly interacted with them, but obviously that wasn't the case.

They had all just sat there, whispering, pointing and sniggering at him, all of them enjoying what appeared to be his mental break down, not even one of them looked even remotely concerned. Hell the Janitor, the man who wanted to kill him the most, looked more worried about him than every single person in that cafeteria.

He automatically started banging his head against the shelves behind him as he tried to calm himself down and get the images out of his mind.

Why wouldn't they just leave him alone?

He had never in his life felt so much rage inside of him, so out of control, a week ago he would have laughed at the janitor saying he was giving him some advise, snorted at news everyone was laughing at him. But now, well now he had acted even worse than Dr Cox usually did. He knew that the seething rage inside of him, that was bubbling away just waiting for its next opportunity to erupt, wasn't right and to be perfectly honest he was literally afraid of what he might now be capable of.  
So far he had only yelled at a few people and chucked water over the janitor, but how long would that last? Each time he lost it, his anger seemed to only get worse.

To make matters worse, that damn lump in his throat seemed to be getting dangerously bigger and he had no idea how to stop it clogging up his wind pipe. As a doctor, he knew that it was actually suppressed grief taking a physical form, trying to force its way to the surface, yet knowing that certainly didn't make a blind bit of difference.

Sure he wanted to cry, scream, possibly kick a few people's heads in, but today he just couldn't, he didn't want to lose it in work of all places, his colleagues may have seen him screaming at people, but he refused to let them see him become that pitiable.

Looking around the store room, JD felt his anger build once again as he took on the appearance of every piece of equipment. These… things… were supposed to help people, to save their lives, yet all they had done for Kim was send her to an early grave, where she would be cut to pieces by some filthy mortician.

Clenching his teeth together, the attending got to his feet and looked around the room at an unbelievable speed, his fists clasped themselves together as his breathing became heavier and heavier.

Before he even realised what he was doing, he lunged forward and grabbed the nearest object before smashing it on the floor. As it shattered into tiny pieces, a small amount of pleasure instantly flooded though him and he instantly grabbed a pole from the floor and flung his arm out, knocking everything on the shelves flying.

For the next ten minutes he jumped on paper, snapped anything which would in fact be snapped and smashed pieces of glass. He ripped plastic tubes, pulled the shelves down and kicked at the boxes on the ground. He tore the room apart until there was basically nothing left in the same condition as it was before.

Eventually he stopped and just stood staring at the mess he had made, before spinning around and punching the door, hard! The pain which then erupted up his wrist seemed to bring the young man to his senses somewhat as he looked around at the trashed room, regret instantly flooding though him like a burst dam.

"Oh god what have I done?" He spoke out loud as sweat started pouring from his face as the sheer exhaustion started to take over. Reaching over to the door handle, he yanked the blue piece of wood open, but as he went to take a step outside, he looked up to see Dr Cox's face staring at him in complete bewilderment, a number of nurses standing behind him, their mouths ajar.

Knowing he was going to get the biggest lecture of his life, JD took his audiences stunned silence as an opportunity to charge past them and down the corridor.

"NEWBIE!" He heard Perry yell out, yet he didn't stop running until he got to the nurses station on the floor below, his whole body shaking as it ran on nothing but adrenaline.

"Hi." He mumbled slightly as he saw Carla and Elliot standing by the one working computer on that floor, discussing one of their patients. The two girls instantly turned towards him before sharing a knowing look, both of them having already agreed on what to do regarding his strange behaviour.

"Look JD before you say anything else, me and Carla, have been talking about your outbursts and what you said about Kim." Elliot started; holding her index finger up in the air and shaking her head as JD opened his mouth to interrupt her.

"And we have decided that we have had enough of taking care of you when you mess your relationships up, your going to be a dad so it's high time you grew up." Carla continued as she folded her arms, completely obvious to the state the doctor was clearly in. They say people only see what they want to, especially girls and this was defiantly one of those moments that proved that saying right.

"Carla…" JD said exhaustedly as he shook his head, only to have Elliot once again lift her finger up, cutting him off before he had the chance to continue.

"No talking." She replied simply before turning her attention back to Carla and waiting for her to continue.

"That is why you're on your own with this one, its time you take some responsibility for your actions and learn to deal with the repercussions when you don't. Your thirty years old, don't you think its time to stop leaning on everyone else?" Carla said softly reaching out and rubbing his shoulder slightly, a smile on her face.  
JD simply rubbed at his eyes in response before he moved away from her touch and brushed the hair from his face, exhaling hard.  
"I'm trying to…" he said quietly in response, slightly pleased with himself for going this long without unloading all his problems on anybody else, not that he had much of a choice since no one would really listen.

"Well obviously not hard enough… do us all a favour and go and talk to Kim, sort whatever mess you made out, everything will look a whole lot better once you do!" Elliot said softly, not noticing the pained expression which instantly filled the man's face as his whole body cringed.

"I can't…" He stuttered as he squeezed his eyes shut as that damn image flashed before him once again, Kim's cold, and cut open body being engraved in his minds eye.

"Of course you can!" Elliot replied with a cheesy grin as she gave a little wave to her husband, who was currently walking down the hallway. "JD, look, just take me and Keith, we have our problems, of course we do, but we work through them, as a couple. We don't run at the first sign of trouble… Just talk to Kim!"  
"I can't!" He said again, but this time it was though clenched teeth as he rubbed at his arm subconsciously, the words 'she's dead' sticking to the tip of his tongue. They were there, trying to force their way out, he could taste them, feeling them rising up his throat, but he just couldn't say them, no matter how hard he tried to he could not say those two words out loud.

"Look a few months ago, he wouldn't use coasters and you just know how I feel about that, but we talked it over and came to a compromise…. We would cover the table with a nice cloth and solve both issues in one go!"

JD just shook his head in response, he knew Elliot meant well, but hearing her describing what she considered to be a problem just had his blood running cold. His son was still fighting for his life, he couldn't even breath on his own, while his mother lay in a morgue… and Elliot actually thought someone not using a coaster was a relationship ending problem! It was almost laughable. Almost.

Carla gave the blonde girl a strange look at that before shrugging one of her shoulders in a 'fair enough' kind of way, before turning her head back to the brunette, ready to put her own point across.

"Look JD, everyone goes though a tough time, especially when there is a kid involved. It's like when Turk wouldn't spend time with Izzy and wanted to play games instead. That drove me up the wall because he was just being an insensitive jerk…" Carla continued, causing JD to look at her with a blank expression on his face, his eyes narrowing slightly. "Everyone has those moments when they can't stand the person they are living with, but with a simple apology from the guy, it all works out! So just say you're sorry and Kim will forgive you for whatever it is that you've done."

For a moment JD didn't say a word, he just looked from one of them to the other, his head shaking automatically as he did, his teeth grinding together as their words flooded though him.

"Who are you two to try and give me advice about anything?" JD said very slowly as his eyes looked like they had literally been blackened, the dismay evident in his voice. "I mean you actually think something like coasters, or playing games…or a _stupid TV show being cancelled_ are problems?! All you two do is bitch and moan about you relationships all day long!" He continued emphasising the last point as his eyes locked with the Latina nurse.

Carla actually had the decency to look slightly guilty at that as she realised he had heard their conversation the other day and everything which followed. Elliot however didn't look at all affected by his words; instead she just shook her own head in a way which just screamed that she felt sorry for him.

"You can look sorry for me all you want, but you know what, one day you are going to wake up and have _your_ life thrown down the drains; everyone you ever needed will be gone. When that happens then you can lecture me on my behaviour, but until then I'm out of here. You get your wish, you don't have to fight over who has to look after 'poor pathetic JD' anymore like I know you all do. I don't need looking after by people who only give a toss about their own _ridiculous_ problems."

With that JD took one final look at his so called best friends before slowly walking away. Before he did however he glanced over his shoulder just in time to see a certain doctor heading his way, his eyes literally on fire.

Squeaking slightly as he broke out into a run, he ignored the confused and worried looks of Carla and Elliot and charged towards the staircase as he heard 'newbie' being bellowed out to him once again.

When he reached the stairs he was just about to swing open the door when he felt a strong arm grab him by the shoulders, causing him to freeze in fear for his life as he turned his head slightly to see Dr Cox growling at him, with murder clearly on his mind.

"Come!" The older man ordered before leading his protégée over to the doctor's lounge, not once loosening his grip. Shoving him inside, the older man scanned the room for anybody who might have been in hearing distance. Once he was sure the place was empty Dr Cox span around to look at the man who appeared so defeated and haunted.

He was fully intending to go absolutely ballistic with him but the look in his eyes stopped him immediately and he let out a short sigh.

"Okay, so care to explain what the hell is wrong with you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, I'm fine." JD replied, his eyes down cast, not wanting to talk to the man who loved to torment and humiliate him as much as the janitor.

"Like hell you are. You have somehow managed to upset God only knows how many people in this hospital and I want to know why." Dr Cox replied, folding his arms and taking on his normal, impatient stance, the slight bit of compassion he had shown only moments ago, vanishing without a trace.

"Why? It's not like you care?" JD growled before muttering under his breath. "It's not like anybody cares."

Dr Cox was unfortunately close enough to hear that last bit, despite how quiet it was and he couldn't help but inwardly flinch. His tone of voice was just so flat and depressed; it wasn't like the young man at all. Unfortunately despite noticing this, he was still Dr Perceval Cox, with his big ego and inability to connect with anyone.

"No your right I don't." he started. "But I do care as to why you deliberately destroyed the store room full of thousands of pounds worth of stock! I mean by God newbie what the hell is wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me? Ha that's a joke; apparently nothing can ever be wrong with me. 'I'm just pathetic JD who screwed up another relationship'." JD scoffed, his arms now too folded as he leant back against the back of the sofa, shaking slightly.  
Dr Cox didn't reply right away, instead he just stood there staring at the young man, shaking his head at what he had just said, until that is the last part hit him.

"You messed up with Kim? Is that it?" He asked in complete and utter disbelief, surely all of this couldn't have just been because he pulled a Dorian, messed things up and didn't know how to set it right again?

"No that's not it! Why does everyone automatically assume that? It's not my fault… I didn't… I couldn't help it… I didn't know…" JD half yelled half cried out as he squeezed his eyes shut so tightly he started to see swirling patterns of colour beneath them.

"Oh for Gods sake get a grip, and here I was moderately concerned about your mental health, when all that's wrong is you screwed up." Dr Cox said whilst shaking his head, a disbelieving grin on his face. It was so typical!

"I didn't…"

"Sure… look I'll tell you what Clarabelle, stop acting like someone has just died and try growing a pair!"

JD's face instantly drained of what little colour it had left as those words flew around his head, repeating themselves over and over and over again. It was almost as if time stood still as his breathing became completely out of control.

Then, it was like there was a white flash of light in front of his eyes, as his vision blurred to the point he didn't even know what he was doing. Even as he lunged forward, his fist clenched, he didn't really know what was going on, not until said fist collided with his mentor's jaw anyway.

The sheer force and surprise of the attack caused the doctor to go flying backwards and land on the floor, his face looking completely stunned and to be perfectly honest, slightly impressed.

As the reality of what he just done struck JD like a bolt of lightning, he span on his heels and full out dived out of the room, petrified of being beaten to a bloody pulp. He didn't even stop as he practically ran into the Janitor, who had been standing outside with his mop all along.

Dr Cox stayed on the floor for about a minute, completely dazed over what had just happened, before he scrambled to his feet, his face turning an unnatural shade of red as he rubbed at his jaw. The impressiveness being replaced by sheer rage as he glared in the direction JD had fled.

"Son of a bitch!" he mumbled as he clenched his own fists, ignoring the Janitor as he swung himself into the room by leaning on the door frame and tilting his body around.

"Can't really blame the kid" The Janitor said as his eyes met Doctor Cox's, his hands placed firmly in his pocket.

"Oh what do you know?" Dr Cox replied his eyes dangerously narrowing as his temper continued to rise, knowing for a fact that if the guy didn't move in the next thirty seconds, that he would be caught in the firing line.

"Quite a lot actually, you learn a bit from reading someone's diary…" he replied as he turned towards the door way, causing Dr Cox to freeze for a moment and stare at the man whose intentions had always been questionable; in complete disbelief, especially as he held up a very familiar-looking book.

"Like what?" he asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. He wasn't one to go reading people's private thoughts, but the possibility of hearing what JD wrote about in his stupid little diary actually brought a smile to his face… it would certainly be good for his revenge at the very least.

"Oh I don't know little things really, like his favourite colour, the name of his son, the fact his girlfriend died a few days ago… you know the usual…"

With that the janitor smiled slightly, shrugged his shoulders and gave an all knowing look to Dr Cox, before exiting the room, whistling the funeral march under his breath in the process.

For a moment Dr Cox remained perfectly still, so still in fact that a gust of wind could have knocked him over, his face loosing its anger almost immediately. Then ever so quietly one little word escaped his mouth as all anger he once had melted away.

"Oh…."

**(A/N) I'm not entirely sure how this chapter will go down, I wanted the janitor to reveal the truth but in a janitor ish way, hopefully that worked out ok… sorry for the cliff-hanger…again… they seem to becoming a habit.**


	8. Shadows in the dark

**Chapter 8- Shadows in the dark**

_I couldn't believe what I had done and just kept running, right out of the hospital, out of the car park, down the street, across the park, I just couldn't stop. It was only when the exhaustion kicked in that I collapsed to the ground, completely out of sorts._

_I fucking hit Doctor Cox!_

_I knew the second I returned to the hospital I was going to wish I had been hit by a car or something as he was going to make my life more of a living hell than it currently was._

_I mean… I fucking hit him! He was going to tear every bone in my body and blend what was left over._

_Despite having nearly half of my shift still to go, I remained where I was, the fear of what might happen if I returned keeping me there. Even as the heavens opened and the rain began I refused to move, my whole body going numb as I saw Kim's face hovering above my closed, dazed eyes._

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**Thursday 20th march 10.21 pm **

"Is Doctor Cox okay?" Elliot whispered to Carla as she sat herself down on one of the tables in the new Coffee Bucks' store which had recently opened. Both Carla and Turk shrugged their shoulders in response as they glanced behind them to where the attending was currently sitting.

He had been there for over an hour now, just sitting with his hands in his head, his face blank of all emotions. While this was certainly not an uncommon reaction, usually when someone talked to him, he would snap out of his trance and act like nothing had happened. But this time it was different, no matter how hard anyone tried, he simply wouldn't utter a word, an over powering feeling of disbelief washing over him.

"Maybe we should go get Jordan?" Elliot continued, her voice coming out loud enough for not only the Turks to hear but also a certain attending, who briefly glanced towards them.

"Just leave him, he'll snap out of it eventually." Carla said after a moment or two of just staring at him before she turned back around to face the blonde. "I'm worried about JD though, he hasn't lost it like that in years!" She continued as her mind drifted back to the conversation which had been held not that long ago.

"You're kidding right? You know what he's been doing to the interns." Elliot replied almost immediately, Dr Cox soon forgotten as she pictured JD's anger-filled face in her mind.

"And what he said to me earlier, I mean come on JD hasn't been acting himself for nearly a week now." Turk butted in, pointing his chocolate covered spoon in the direction of his wife. Carla just shrugged her shoulders in response knowing that they both had valid points; still she couldn't help the voice in her head which was screaming for answers.

"Yeah, but why? That's what I don't understand. Why is he acting like this? It's almost as if he's had a personality transplant." She continued her eyes glancing from Turk, over to Elliot and back again, wiling either one of them to come up with an explanation.

"I still think it's because he wants to be like, you know who." The private practice doctor replied with a shrug, indicating not so discreetly towards Dr Cox. The older man rolled his eyes at that, but showed no other indication that he was in fact still alive as he sat perfectly still, just listening to what the kid's three best friends were talking about.

"JD wants to be like Voldemort?" Turk replied with a look of pure confusion written all over his face. Elliot let out a scoff at that and shook her head in disbelief as a frustrated Carla leant over and explained quietly to her husband of whom they were referring.

"I don't think that's it though, I mean even if it was, there has to have been a trigger right?" She explained after Turk had caught up on what they were on about.

"Well we know he's messed up with Kim, maybe that's it. Maybe he just figured being like Dr Cox would give him an excuse," Elliot said after a moment of pure silence fell upon them, none of them actually having any clue about what was going on inside his head. They hadn't really spent more than five minutes with JD for a good few months now. They were all just too busy with their married life to organise spending time with him, besides as far as they knew he had Kim to fall back on.

It was at that moment that Dr Cox decided to move, but instead of getting up and going about his business as he usually did, he just rested his arms on the table and stared down at the little note book the janitor had given him…. Well the note book which he forcefully took from his hands a few hours ago anyway….

He may be a complete jerk, but even he was not mean enough to leave JD's diary in the hands of someone who would most likely photocopy it and put pages up around the hospital. Still as he glanced down at it, his hands sort of twitched, wanting more than anything else to pull back the cover and read what had been written inside.

_'There is something seriously wrong when the janitor and I are the ones worried about JD and his friends couldn't care less, they haven't even given the kid a chance.' _Dr Cox thought, as he listened to them babble on about ridiculous reasons as to why JD would have been acting like a maniac.

"Honestly I just think it's his way of showing us he's moved on too!" Carla said rather loudly, causing Dr Cox's attention to be diverted away from the unicorn hard back to the conversation which was being held in front of him, his eyebrows rising in disbelief.

"Baby what on earth are you babbling on about?" Turk replied as Carla just simply looked at him, obviously thinking that what she meant was a given. She just shrugged in response before Elliot opened her mouth to continue.

"She means that we have all moved on and changed so much since we started here, but JD hasn't. He's remained the same daydreaming optimistic carefree kid he's always been. Maybe he's finally realised that and to show us he's moving on with his life as well, he's simply acting out, proving he has changed as much as we have."

As the trio once again fell into a complete silence, Dr Cox decided to just simply stop listening to them as he slowly reached down; turning the note books pages over to the last one which had been written on. Half of him wanted to read what had been put, the other half however didn't, for at the end of the day, it was something no one else was supposed to see. He just wasn't sure if he could actually go through with reading JD's feelings.

Still, one small glance couldn't hurt right?

Wrong!

God he had never been so wrong in his life, as he was immediately greeted with a picture of a small baby covered in more wires than he ever thought possible. It took him all of two seconds to realise just why JD had been at St Mary's the other day as he stared at the image in front of him, unable to stop the horror which flashed across his face.

Unable to read the writing which accompanied the picture, Dr Cox snapped the book shut and shoved his chair backwards. He immediately ran his hands down his face before resting his elbows on the table and rubbing at his fingers. He wasn't good at these types of situations and quite frankly didn't have a clue what to do next.

Should he go and find him? But if he did, he had no idea what he could even say to the young man.

Should he tell his friends? Whilst that was probably the better choice, it wasn't exactly his business and he knew for a fact if JD wanted them to know he would have told them himself. Besides the way they were talking they had already made their minds up about what his problem actually was.

Still it wasn't like he could do nothing, he wasn't a completely heartless bastard, even he wouldn't go as far as pretending he didn't know what had happened as JD slipped further and further into him self. If he did do nothing, at the rate JD was declining he would end up losing what little hold he had left and he certainly didn't want to be around when that happened.

Forcing himself to his feet while placing the note book safely inside his lab coat, Dr Cox turned and left the café, ignoring the looks he was receiving from the people behind him completely. They obviously weren't making it any of their business to find out about JD so he simply wasn't going to enlighten them.

Once he was outside, he stood on the ramp for what seemed like hours just thinking about what to do next. Finally he reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys, only one destination on his mind as he pulled out of the car park. If he wanted to talk to JD, then he had to be in possession of all of the facts first. He was not going to find the man and talk blindly about what had happened, he needed to be prepared.

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As the rain got heavier JD eventually managed to force him self into a sitting position, completely drenched from head to toe. To an onlooker, as he staggered to his feet, it would seriously look like he was on drugs as he stumbled and swayed side to side, his eyes looking dangerously disorientated.

He knew he had to get out of the storm, that if he didn't he would probably end up laying in a coffin, not that he thought anyone would go to his funeral, especially after what happened with Carla, Elliot and now Dr Cox.  
All he knew, as he tried to head in the direction of St Mary's was that he needed to be with his son, the one person in the world whose love would be unconditional.

To be completely honest all he wanted to do was curl up into a little ball in his mother's arms and tell her everything. Yet with her and Dan being at the other end of the country, not even knowing that Kim was pregnant in the first place, getting anything from them would be down right impossible.

He was one of these people who just needed others and had an unnatural fear of being completely alone, it still made him shiver even to this day when he thought about being in a room with absolutely no one around him.

He would never admit it to anyone else, but his neediness actually came from when he was younger. It wasn't that he wanted to always be with someone, it was just that he was so terrified that everyone would just leave him behind and move on, that he came across as desperate for company.

They say that everyone has that five year old child inside of them and for JD that couldn't be closer to the truth if anyone tried. Back when his parents were having problems, which eventually lead to the divorce, JD and Dan used to be left on their own all the time as Barbra and Sam tried to save their marriage. He didn't mind it then, but when Dan started going out as well, leaving the six year old in the house on his own, well that's when the fear began.

He could still, even to this day, remember the horrible storm which was taking place as he sat under the covers in his room, all alone as the thunder and lightning rocked the house. The whistling noises and the wind making him convinced that someone was trying to break in.  
Shuddering at the memory JD tried desperately to tell himself that he was an adult now and being afraid of being alone was just completely ridiculous. That there weren't monsters lurking in the shadows and that this time, people being around him was not going to scare those monsters away.

As a horrible numbness washed over him, he walked into the nearest building and just collapsed on one of the chairs, not caring where the hell he was, he just wanted to get warm.

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Trying to look the picture of confidence, Dr Cox walked straight into the hospital and past the reception. No one questioned why he didn't stop; he was still wearing his lab coat and scrubs after all. No one wore those sorts of things in a hospital unless they actually worked there as far as everyone else was concerned, that's what made his whole plan perfect.

Swallowing hard as he reached the maternity ward he walked over to one of the people behind the nurses station and waited patiently until she had finished on the phone.

"Has the post-mortem come back on Kim Briggs yet?" he asked, causing the nurse to look at him in confusion, obviously not having a clue who he was. Fooling the public into believing he worked there was one thing, fooling people who actually did was another thing entirely.  
"Do you work here?" She asked slowly as she studied his face carefully, almost certain she hadn't seen him before.

"Yeah, started about a week ago." He replied, rather convincingly too, as he folded his arms and gave the clear picture of someone who was getting more and more annoyed by the second.

The nurse simply nodded in response before turning around and flipping though the charts. When she came to the one she was looking for she opened it and scanned over the information in her hands. Dr Cox took this time to really take in the young woman's appearance. She had long black hair which was tied up in bunches either side of her head, dark chocolate brown eyes and the biggest nose he had ever seen in his life.

She was slim, especially compared to some of the woman he worked with and had big thick black glasses which kept falling down her face.  
Eventually she looked up and smiled slightly as she pushed her glasses back up her face, despite the obvious flaws in her looks, even Dr Cox had to admit that she was still quite pretty.

"Yeah, it's as we thought, the pregnancy put such a strain on her heart that the artery bled out. Such a shame she seemed like a really nice young woman to, her boyfriend is completely cut up about it. Have you seen him yet?" She said quickly, reminding the attending somewhat of Elliot in the way that she spoke.

"No I haven't," Dr Cox replied as he started tapping his foot on the floor.  
"Oh, well he's a doctor over at Sacred Heart apparently, she never told him about her heart defect so I wouldn't, you know; ask him if there were any symptoms that indicated she was ill before hand." The nurse continued, causing doctor Cox's eyes to widen slightly as he bit his lip.

"Umm what about the son?" he asked carefully, trying to hide his worry as he remembered the picture he had seen of the little boy.  
"Well he survived the op which is a good thing but between you and me, I don't hold out much hope, he's stronger than he was but we think he may have developed an infection and with his kidneys not actually working… well lets put it this way… I just don't want to be the one to tell the father."

Dr Cox simply nodded in response as the woman turned away to once again answer the ringing phone. He knew from the image Sam was in a bad way, but never had he thought the boy could die. It was at that moment that he realised the true extent of the situation and just why his newbie had been reacting the way he had all week.

No wonder he had said what he had to Gary on his first day back, hell if it was him he would have punched the intern's lights out.  
He suddenly felt an emotion he wasn't too familiar with and ran his hands though his hair as the true reality of the situation hit him like a ton of bricks. He certainly hadn't helped matters with his constant insults and jabs at the boy.

JD told everyone everything about him, yet he remembered clearly how he had gone deadly quiet after his father had the heart attack, how he hadn't told a single soul for days what had happened and it was only Dan who casually revealed the truth to Carla. In fact if he remembered correctly Carla had been the one to tell him and ask Kelso if the guy could have a week compassionate leave.

Smacking his head with his hand, Dr Cox groaned and just couldn't help but ask him self how he hadn't known something was wrong. JD was never that silent, ever; he never once lashed out at anybody or sat there looking so damn depressed. Yet for the last few days that was all he had been doing, acting nothing like his usual hyperactive self.

Then again he wasn't the only one who didn't have a clue. What about his so called best friends, they hung out with him every day of the year, granted not as much recently but still, shouldn't they have known at least something was wrong with him?  
Shaking his head, Dr Cox headed back out of the hospital and over to the café on the corner, wanting nothing more than to drink a bottle of scotch, but settling for a coffee from one of the best coffee machines around instead, it was seriously nothing like the stuff that was served in Sacred Heart.

Heading into the building the first thing he noticed was the large puddle of water which was running along the floor near the entrance. Ignoring the urge to tell the staff that worked there, that it could cause someone to break a leg and sue them, he went straight to the counter and ordered his usual. Sure he liked the people there, but he was officially off duty now and telling someone about the possibly implications of a wet floor just didn't interest him in the slightest.

Turning around a few minutes later, his coffee firmly in his hand, his eyes instantly travelled along the floor looking for the source of the leakage. What he saw made his blood run cold, yet he couldn't help what came out of his mouth next.

"NEWBIE!" he yelled out as soon as his eyes landed on the thirty year old, who was sitting shivering in the corner of the room, his hair stuck to his head, looking completely sorry for himself. He didn't mean it to come out the way it did though, for even he could sense the anger in his voice.

JD instantly jumped a mile as he heard his mentor's voice and looked up, over to him. His face instantly turned to one of pure panic as he actually registered the man's presence. He started backing away out of reflex, even further into the corner than he was before.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry…. I didn't mean to… oh god, I'm sorry…" he cried out in a typical newbie voice, reminding doctor Cox of when he tried to apologise for writing wash me on his car window. He quickly shook those thoughts from his head though as he realised that they were completely different situations.

As he listened to the ragged, terrified breathing of the grieving father, he snapped himself out of his little trance and for the first time in his life, tried to put himself in JD's shoes.

"Newbie…" The forty six year old said carefully taking a step forward, trying to force himself to sound almost gentle, but that only caused JD to lean even further backwards as the fear on what the man could possibly do to him set it.  
"I'm sorry… really…. really… I didn't…." JD continued, his sentence making very little sense to the attending as he walked closer to him until he was standing roughly two inches from the table.

"Newbie calm down!" The curly haired man said very slowly as he noticed JD's breathing becoming more and more erratic as he took uneven panicking breathes. The man couldn't help but think the fact he probably had some degree of hyperthermia wasn't helping matters. In fact as he studied his younger counterpart with his medical eye he instantly noticed a few symptoms he really wished weren't there.

The table JD had chosen to sit at was only a small round one with two chairs facing opposite each other, despite being pressed against a wall, meaning by now there was nothing in between the two men, making it all the more easier for Dr Cox to reach out and grab the man's wrists.

"JD I'm serious you need to calm down!" He continued as he felt the man's arms physically shaking, causing him to tighten his grip slightly. It wasn't meant to be threatening; it was just the only way the man could think of to get the brunette to, at the very least, listen to him. A part of him also thought that by the use of his real name, it might have shown the man that he was actually more concerned than angry.

It seemed to work as JD slowly glanced up at him before his breathing gradually returned to normal. Despite this he was still shaking, causing Dr Cox to shake his own head and let go of JD's wrists, not really knowing what to do next.

"You're freezing." He stated simply after a moment or two, to which JD could only nod in response as he wrapped his arms around himself, trying to keep the heat in. The two of them fell into an uncomfortable silence after that, neither of them knowing what to say next.  
After a few minutes, Dr Cox grabbed hold of JD's wet scrub top and pulled him forcefully to his feet.

"Come on, I'm taking you home." He said simply before heading towards the door. When he realised JD was not following him, just simply standing there, mistrust evident in his eyes, Dr Cox grunted slightly before walking back over to him.

This time however he stood beside the young man , put his hand around the top of JD's arm and lead him out of the building and over to his car, which thankfully wasn't in the hospital car park.

The rain by this point had let up slightly, but it was still pouring down as the resident director forced JD into his car before getting into the drivers seat himself. Whilst the man had still lost front seat privileges, given the situation Dr Cox couldn't find it in him to make the boy sit in the back.

"Where do you live?" He asked as soon as he pulled off. JD mumbled something about not wanting to go home but the doctor just kept asking over and over again until he gave up and whispered his address.

Groaning as he realised it was in the opposite direction to where he was heading, Dr Cox spun the car around and took off back towards Sacred Heart. After a few minutes of complete silence, with the only noise coming from the windscreen wipers as they wiped the rain from view, Dr Cox glanced towards his passenger, shaking his head as he realised he had fallen fast asleep.

Reaching over to the control buttons, the driver turned the heating up to full blast and turned the funnels towards the younger man already thinking about what the hell he would do once they reached their destination.

**(a/n) Wow, just wow, i have never had so many reviews for one chapter before!!! nearly had a heart attack when i saw i had 28!! 28! Can't thank you guys enough for that!! So this is dedicated to everyone who reviewed, you wouldn't believe how hard this was to write and i hope Dr Cox's reaction was believable.**


	9. Pacing though the night

**C****hapter 9- Pacing though the night**

_Sitting in my apartment with, thankfully, some dry clothes on, I couldn't help but watch as Dr Cox paced up and down my living room floor. God I had been surprised when he said he was coming in, then when I came out of the bathroom to see him still standing there looking extremely uncomfortable, I must say._

_I was still so cold though and exhausted from the lack of sleep, that I just couldn't bring myself to say a word to him. Instead I sat there, huddled up against the couch, breathing in Kim's sweet scent which still lingered on the pillows._

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**Friday 21st March 12.30 Am **

As JD watched Dr Cox pace back and forth, his hands placed firmly on his head, he couldn't even muster the energy to question what on earth he was still doing in his apartment.

A week ago he would have literally done anything to have the man standing in his living room, but now, now all he wanted was for him to walk straight back out of the door and carry on as normal. He wanted to hear the girl's names leaving his mouth, sense the anger at how irritating he was being by following him around and have him despise the very idea of them spending any time together outside the hospital.

Some might argue that they were all still true, but to JD that didn't change the fact that Dr Cox almost looked like he was trying to have a conversation with him and given the fact he wasn't in Carla's good books he doubted he was being forced, meaning he was standing in front of him of his own accord.

Shaking his head at that very thought JD sank back into the seat and tried desperately to rewind time, wanting more than anything else for the last six days to just disappear. Then he could go back to being blissfully happy, with the most loving girl friend, a healthy child on the way and some of the best friends in the world.

How things could change in just a matter of days…

The people he thought he could always rely on, he had suddenly realised didn't even care and that actually crushed him, that he had spent seven years of his life doing everything he could for them, only to find out that they only saw him as an annoying 'man child'.

Having Dr Cox with him, only made those feelings worse, especially since the person who always belittled him, constantly attacked his self esteem and did everything he could to humiliate him was currently watching him curl himself into a ball.

As the older man continued to pace, JD tried in vain to wipe away the tears which were starting to flow once again; God, what was wrong with him? He never cried, he admittedly did a lot of things which weren't exactly manly, but he never cried! Hell he barely did when his dad had died three years earlier.

"Oh for God's sake newbie, I've already seen the tell tale signs of the blubbering ..." Dr Cox snapped, making the crying motion with his hands to emphasis his point as he glanced towards the broken man who was still trying so hard to pretend nothing was wrong. "You're nothing but a little girl anyway so stop trying to pretend otherwise!"

JD's eyes were instantly drawn to the nearest floor board as he brought his knees into his chest and wrapped his arms around them, just sitting there like he was some sort of vacant soul.

Doctor Cox instantly felt that horrible, unfamiliar feeling of guilt hitting him as he watched the brunette's reaction. He hadn't meant that to come out the way it had, in fact he had meant to say 'I've already seen you crying Carol so there is no point in pretending your not." Not that different, sure, but it had a much softer, less harsh tone to it. For some reason though, as soon as he looked towards the younger man he couldn't help but insult him.

Dr Cox instantly groaned as he rubbed at his face to try and wash the frustration away. He was no good at these sorts of things… being sympathetic, for fuck sake he had hit the guy when his dad had died. He hadn't a clue what to do, or even how to broach the subject with his younger counterpart. Hell he couldn't very well say 'hey, the janitor read your diary, I know Kim's dead and your kid could very well go the same way.' Now could he?

Seeing JD's body shake a little as his head fell into his arms so he could no longer see his face, Dr Cox shook his own head, glanced upwards as if he was swearing at God then took a few steps over to the couch. For a moment he just stood there, staring at the man who was so close to losing the plot completely, before he forced himself to step to the side and sit next to him.

"JD." He said slowly, hoping that by using his name straight away it would reassure the boy somewhat of his intentions. JD didn't even look up though as he continued to tremble, whether it was from the tears, the fear of what his mentor might do to him, or the hyperthermia, Dr Cox did not know, although he highly suspected it was all of the above.

The two of them sat in silence for a longer period of time than the older man would have liked after that as he open and closed his mouth trying to find the right words to say. That had to be some sort of joke though, after all is there really ever any right words when someone's loved one died as tragically as Kim had?

"Oh god I'm no good at this…" He mumbled slightly as his mind turned a complete blank, if JD heard him, however, he certainly showed no indication of it as he continued to ignore his mentor's presence. "You know what newbie? Seeing as your being just so damm cooperative I think I'll skip the sentimental crap and get to the point, because believe me this right here is my idea of hell!" Dr Cox blurted out as his frustration levels grew; the kid certainly wasn't making it easy for him.

JD, again, didn't respond and as Dr Cox opened his mouth to yell it all out, the sound of a ringing phone stopped him. Neither of them made any attempt to answer it but the resident director was actually glad the accordance had taken place, while it held no significance, it did give the man time to calm himself back down and remind himself how he would feel if the situation was reversed.

"JD." He said again, but this time in a gentler voice than before, concern written all over his face. "Jordan told me that Sam was born a couple of days ago, that she saw you at the hospital visiting him…"

JD lifted his head slightly at that and turned it so he was just able to see the older man, a mixture of emotions running across his face. Of course he should have known that the she devil would have mentioned something to her (ex) husband but he never in a million years thought that Dr Cox would make an effort (a very unwanted effort) to talk to him about it.

"I was quite confused actually, you've been bordering on suicidal the last couple of days and I just knew that if he had been, you would have been jumping though the corridors, probably doing celebratory jumping hugs or something…. Even if he was… ill…" Dr Cox continued, causing JD's eye's to briefly make contact with his. That action instantly sent shivers down the doctor's spine as he realised, just by looking into them properly, how much sorrow was really in them. He couldn't help but ask him self just how no one had noticed that look before?

"So I did a little phoning around and the hospital told me some pretty interesting stuff…" He added, deciding that an extension of the truth was probably the best way to handle the entire situation. JD's face instantly turned grey, even more so than it already was if that was at all possible, the colour around his eyes standing out more than ever.

JD shook his head instantly, over and over and over again, the panic inside of him growing by the second.

_No, he couldn't know! _

If he did then it would make the situation even more real than it was now and a part of JD just couldn't handle that. A part of him, however small, just thought that as long as no one knew the truth, then the reality of it all would just slip away along with his very existence….

"Why on earth haven't you told anyone about Kim? About the baby?" Dr Cox said, although, once again, it came out harsher than he had meant it to, so harsh in fact it made JD flinch. Dr Cox shook his head at that as he slowly began to notice JD retreating into him self more so than he was before, his eyes begging his boss not to say anything else, begging him to just let the matter drop.

Dr Cox wouldn't, however, he knew from past experience that bottling everything up, pretending like it wasn't real, that everything was a horrible dream, was not good for anyone, which was precisely why he continued to talk.

"I'm serious JD; you need to talk to someone, your mum, turtle head, Carla, just someone because you can't keep going on his path of self destruction, or your going to end up killing yourself."

What came out of JD's mouth next, the first words since they entered the building, were said so quietly that if Dr Cox hadn't been sitting next to him, if the room wasn't deadly silent, he wouldn't have be able to hear it.

"So what."

Dr Cox's eyes instantly grew huge as his head spun to look at JD quicker than a cat chasing its prey, his mouth ajar. He knew the situation was bad, but up until that point he hadn't quite realised how badly it had affected JD.

"You don't mean that!" the man said instantly rubbing at his nose with his index finger, a habit he had when ever something took him by surprise, which wasn't very often.

"Don't I?" was JD's reply as his eyes opened slightly as he turned his head to the side to face his mentor, his heart thumping so hard in his chest that he was sure it was going to slice its way out.

Leaning back in the chair, Dr Cox put his hands on his head and let out a long breath as he pushed his head back against the soft pillow. For a moment he remained like that before he sat up straight again and turned back to look at JD who had turned away from him once more, his eyes completely downcast as he shivered slightly, still unbelievably cold despite his dry clothes.

"Why haven't you told anybody?" he eventually asked, deciding to just let that matter drop for a while. He would deal with the apparent suicidal thoughts later… much later if he could help it, but for now he just needed to concentrate on getting the younger man to talk, he didn't care what it was about, but he had to somehow show the guy there were people around who listened.

"Who would care?" he replied simply, causing Dr Cox to crease his brow in confusion, not understanding his response.

"Okay, I know the whole yelling, punching, equipment destroying, intern bashing, side of you has brought your friends to question why it is that they hang around with someone who has PMS issues the way you do. But you can't honestly believe that they would stop caring about you just like that? With a click of a finger? Newbie you have been a permanent fixture in their lives for God only knows how long! They wouldn't just stop caring because you haven't been your self. Hell you're more married to Carla's husband than she is!" Dr Cox replied with a slight chuckle, sure he had noticed a slight distance between JD and the 'J-Dettes' but nothing which would warrant him to truly believe something like that? That no one would care that the mother of his child was dead!

JD rubbed at his eyes in response, making them sting even more as the sore skin cracked a little and the tears rolled down his cheeks. He shook his head and dragged his hands down his face, before turning his attention to the curly haired man, his eyes hardening slightly, like he was blocking his emotions from reaching them.

"I thought that, but its amazing how grief can give you new perspectives on things!" JD replied blinking at an alarming rate as he wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to get warm. Dr Cox didn't say a word in response, instead he just waited, knowing that eventually JD would elaborate and he would have a slightly bigger picture of what was going on inside his head, "They all just think I'm some huge pain in the ass with pathetic problems which couldn't even be compared to their own. Those so called friends of mine haven't even once asked me why I haven't 'been myself'. They don't care; they even said to me they're fed up of 'taking care of me' and that I'm on my own. All they care about is there own little lives, because anything I go though is just 'me being me'. Everything that happens is all because of me; I'm to blame for everything."

JD stopped talking after that and rested his arms on his legs, covering his eyes with his hands as he took irregular breathes, trying to calm himself down, not wanting to embarrass himself anymore than he just had. For a moment he had actually forgotten it was Dr Cox he was talking to.

The older doctor actually looked taken aback at that, not thinking for even a second that things between him and his friends had gotten so bad he wouldn't even tell them something like his girlfriend dying. It was still hard to accept the normally happy JD was sitting in his home wishing he didn't exist, but to think that the distance between him and Gandhi wasn't just because of the things he was going though was quite hard to comprehend.

"I tried to tell them, once, I tried to tell them what had happened, but Turk just walked away and got angry that I hadn't watched… a show…And Carla and Elliot said it was my fault and that I should stop messing things up…. I know it is but… I just…I just…" He couldn't finish his sentence, so instead trailed of as a ripple of anguish hit him big time, it was his fault, he knew that, his fault entirely, he should have helped her, he should have seen the warning signs… but he didn't and now she was dead. They were right, all of them were right, he had pulled a Dorian, he had screwed up and Kim had paid the price.

It was almost like Dr Cox could read his mind as his mouth opened slightly and took the form of an O shape, his eyes closing in realisation. While it was obvious the guy had a serious case of bereavement and fatherly worry, the man suddenly realised where the anger was actually coming from. He wasn't mad because Kim had died, he was mad at himself, whether he realised it or not, he was mad at himself for not saving her, for failing her…. He thought he had let her die by not knowing she was ill…

"It's okay…" Dr Cox said in a rather ragged voice as he literally forced his hand onto the guy's shoulder, hoping it would be some sort of a… comfort? That it would send a message that he understood even? "Newbie, do you remember what I told you when Jill died?" He asked as a new idea struck him, he didn't however even get an acknowledgment from the younger man that he had heard him, not that deep down, he was expecting one. "I told you that you can't go blaming yourself for deaths which **were not your fault!"** He continued putting great emphasis on the last part as he tightened his grip on the attending's shoulder. "And I bloody well meant what I said after that as well, im not going to let that ruin another good doctor, especially not you!"

JD just shrugged his shoulders before he unfolded himself slightly and rested his head against the back of the sofa, his tired eyes closing once again as he continued to shiver, he had heard what the man said, but just wasn't sure how to respond to that, no matter what he said, he still knew it was his fault. That if Kim was a patient he would get the blame shoved so far down his throat he would choke on it, that he had to be the crappiest doctor in history not to realise someone's heart was failing and that they were in some serious trouble… unfortunately it was Kim who had paid the price for his own incompetence.

Doctor Cox's hand was soon removed from his shoulder and JD felt the tell tale signs of someone getting up from their seat as the bottom part of the sofa he was sitting on, still all curled up, rose slightly. He didn't have the energy to look up to see where he had gone though, he just kept his eyes firmly shut, wishing he wasn't even a part of the world anymore, that he had died instead of Kim.

If that had happened, at least he wouldn't have to deal with the immense aloneness which flooded though him; at least he wouldn't have had to deal with the knowledge his friends didn't care, he could have just died, blissfully unaware of their true feelings.

"It comes to something when the person who hates you the most, is the only one who sees something is wrong," JD mumbled, more to himself than Doctor Cox. The older man, however, still heard him and he flinched at that as he walked back over to the couch, placing a heavy blanket over the thirty year old.

"I don't hate you," he replied as he stared down at the younger man. Then, realising he was completely gone, shook his head and added, "Despite the annoying pansy you are."

**(a/n) Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you all had a fantastic day, thanks for all the wonderful reviews and i hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Have a happy new year!**


	10. The morning after

**Chapter 10- The morning after**

_When I awoke, the first thing I noticed was the blanket that I was sure wasn't there when I fell asleep. Then I remembered the events which had unfolded last night and cringed at the memory…. Dr Cox knew, he knew everything and I had cried like a little baby in front of him. The one person who I swore to myself I would never be vulnerable in front of had seen me bawling my eyes out._

_As I looked around the place, which was filled with everything Kim, shivering like a ghost had just walked though me, I realised something. What had happened last night didn't make me feel any better the way the fact that someone knew should. It just made me dread going in to the hospital even more than I already did._

_Dr Cox may have been nice last night, but I was sure by now he would have told the whole hospital what a screw up I was and that by the time I arrived for work, everyone would know the truth. They would all know that I was solely responsible for the woman who no one could ever say a bad word about, dying during childbirth._

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**_Friday 21st march 11:37 am _**

Walking into the rather old looking building, JD glanced from side to side, his arms wrapped around himself as he tried to keep his gaze firmly on the floor. Even in doing this, it didn't stop the man from feeling everyone's eyes on him, all following him down the corridors until he left their sight.

He heard the whispers, the quickening of feet as he approached someone and felt the glares coming from the ones he had upset. As he headed towards the changing rooms, people actually stopped talking when they noticed his presence, turning their heads to look at him, covering their mouths and muttering things under their breaths.

Everyone just seemed to be watching him, murmuring to each other, giggling as if he was some sort of joke. Even nurses he had never really met before were smirking at him, or turning their backs and making themselves seem busy until he had passed. Then as he turned the corner their voices would erupt once more and JD was pretty sure they were all talking about him.

Okay so maybe he was being a little bit too paranoid, maybe people were laughing at a joke, or stopped talking because they ran out of things to say and, hell, no one even said his name so it didn't mean that it was him they were discussing. Just because some were going quiet when they saw him and others were laughing, didn't mean he was the reason for either of them.

And it certainly didn't mean Dr Cox had walked into the hospital two hours before him, stood up on the nurse's station and proudly announced to everyone that he was right after all and that JD really was a screw up. It didn't mean they all knew about Kim… right?

Still, even if it didn't seem entirely logical to JD, that was the only reason why his co-workers would be looking at him the way they were, all thinking the same thing, he was responsible for his girlfriend's death.

As he entered the changing rooms, not really sure why he had gone there in the first place seeing as he was already in scrubs, the whole room instantly went silent as the four interns, a couple of nurses and Turk turned to look at him.

Feeling very much like a fish in a glass bowl, JD kept his head down and walked to his locker, sticking his head inside and pretending he was actually doing something, hoping that in doing this they would all just leave him alone.

The painful silence was almost deafening to the grieving man as his overactive imagination told him exactly what they were all thinking.

'_He is a loser'_

'_He is so pathetic'_

'_He needs to visit a psychiatrist, the nutter.'_

'_Oh look it's the lunatic'_

'_He murdered his girlfriend'_

'_He's the worst doctor I have ever come across'_

Shaking his head over and over to try and get the voices to shut up, JD slammed his locker door closed and lent forward, resting his skin against the cool metal as he tried to block out his own thoughts. He didn't want to think anymore, he didn't want to feel, all he wanted was for everything to fade into darkness.

Everyone seemed to just be standing there, carrying on their previous tasks while keeping one eye on the young doctor. Eventually Turk snapped, grabbed his lucky do-rag and indicated with his index finger towards the door, signalling for everyone else to leave.  
The interns didn't need to be told twice as they swiftly exited the room, the two nurses however looked at Turk with questioning eyes, ones which clearly said they wanted an explanation later on.

Hearing the others leaving, JD slowly turned around and lifted his head in order to face the surgeon who was just standing behind him, watching him with those damn judgmental eyes which everyone seemed to be wearing these days.

Turk didn't attempt to break the silence, and if he wasn't going to, then JD sure as hell wasn't going to either. Instead they just stood there, staring at each other. They looked more like complete strangers rather than two people who had been together for half of their lives. In fact if anyone was to enter the room who didn't know them, that's exactly what they would have thought.

"JD…" Turk said slowly after a moment or two, clearly struggling with what to say to the thirty year old. JD didn't say a word in response, he just looked at the surgeon with his eyes slightly glazed over, honestly not having anything to say to him. He had tried for months to keep their friendship alive, more so than Turk ever had and just didn't have the energy to fight anymore.

He always believed that actions spoke louder than words ever could and the fact that Turk dismissed what ever problems he had and, when he was really struggling, didn't even seem to notice something was wrong …well that just said everything to JD about what Turk thought of their friendship. If he didn't care enough to notice the second JD started acting differently, then JD didn't care enough to even bother talking to him.

"Look, Dude, you've been doing some pretty weird stuff this week… people are talking and to be honest we're all getting worried. Why do you feel the need to take your problems out on the interns? I mean come on you're treating them the exact same way as Dr Cox treated you and we all know how much you hated that," The man who had always been referred to as 'chocolate bear' said after clearing his throat, deciding to just come out with it. He sincerely didn't have a clue what on earth was bothering his vanilla bear, or what was causing him to act the way he was. Everyone seemed to be saying that after looking up to Dr Cox for so long, it was always inevitable that he would copy his behaviour, but Turk refused to believe that. He had known him for years and in that time he had never gone out of his way to hurt someone, it just wasn't in his nature.

JD had always been a caring person, not one to lose his temper with out one very big push. So to hear he was screaming at people for no real reason just didn't seem right. Even though they hadn't spent a lot of time together recently, he couldn't see what could possibly cause JD to change his personality the way he had.

It just didn't make sense.

When JD didn't respond once again, Turk shook his head and let out a frustrated sigh, glancing around the empty room, as if he was looking for something, when in reality he was just trying anything to break the awkwardness which had fallen between the two of them.

"JD, come on, what's going on?" He continued before glancing at the clock on the wall, having about five minutes before his first surgery started.

"Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to," was the reply he received and without waiting for the other man to respond, the brunette pushed past him and made his way out of the room, leaving a very confused Turk alone watching him walk away with nothing but uncertainty written across his face.

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As JD made his way to the nurses' station, figuring he might as well start work a little early rather than stand around doing nothing, the noise instantly started up again, with bleeping machines, idle chatter and the sound of god knows how many people vomiting. There was apparently a serious amount of food poisoning going around from contaminated meat and unlike the last media induced epidemic, this time people really did have it.

Not even taking one glance towards Carla, who was sitting by the computer watching him, JD grabbed a bunch of charts off the side and flicked though the many patients names, today was certainly going to be packed solid to say the least, judging by the amount of charts he alone had. It was most doctors' worst nightmare, but to JD it just meant he would be so busy he wouldn't have time to think about anything else.

Glancing down the corridor to where his first patient of the day was located, JD inwardly gulped as he saw a familiar person heading towards him. Spinning on his heels as fast as he could, he purposely walked in the opposite direction to the other man, his speed increasing as he heard the older man's footsteps behind him.

Dr Cox instantly shook his head as he stopped in the same spot that JD had been standing in only moments ago, yet he made no move to follow the younger attending, instead choosing to put his hands on his head and release a deep breath he hadn't even realised he was holding.

"Okay? Spill! Why Is JD avoiding you and what the hell happened between you two yesterday?" Carla asked almost immediately after witnessing the obvious attempt by JD to avoid his mentor.

Dr Cox, slowly turned around to face her, his hands still firmly placed on top of his curly hair, he very rarely made the time to talk to anybody in the hospital unless his job specifically entitled him to do so. With Carla though, it had always been different, she was the one person he could tolerate without even forcing himself to try. Interacting with her just came naturally and they had known each other for a very long time.

Today though, for perhaps the first time, he realised he didn't want to even speak to her, let alone let her in on some very confidential information. He had heard what she had said about newbie last night, what they had all said and given the man's current state of mind he didn't see why she hadn't noticed something was wrong almost straight away. It was like she didn't really care any more, not deep down, not how she used to. She had changed and not for the better. In fact in the last four months Dr Cox was sure he hadn't heard her once call the younger man Bambi.

"Well golly, I don't know, why don't you try actually talking to him and you might just find out," he replied harshly, removing his hands from their current position and folding them over his chest, his head cocked to one side in anticipation for her answer.

Carla's mouth instantly dropped at that and she put her arms on her hips, doing the stance she always did when she was offended by someone, she then flicked her index finger out and pointed straight at the nearing fifty year old man. Turning her head she transferred her attention to the only other nurse currently in hearing range who was sitting behind the counter, next to her.

"He did not just talk to me like that!" she said instantly and while Shirley nodded in response, Carla's eyes travelled back to the man she once had the misfortune of dating, "You did not just talk to me like that!"

Dr Cox just gave an amused grin in retort as he chuckled in the way he always did, the way which shot fear into the hearts of the thousands of people who had ever come across the man in a less than cheerful mood, which, lets face it, was nearly everyone.

"I think you'll find I just did," he replied, a look on his face which just dared her to continue and see what he would, or perhaps could, say next. Carla wasn't one to listen when people made threats though and automatically opened her mouth to say something else. She never got the chance to even utter a single syllable though as her response was cut of by the presence of Dr Kelso, the chief of medicine at sacred heart. He seemed to have this amazing ability to not only stop conversations, but appear from nowhere.

"Ahh Perry, there you are," he said instantly, drawing the nurse's and senior attending's attention away from each other and over to him as he slowly approached them, a chocolate muffin held firmly between his aging fingers, "I've been looking for you."

Dr Cox simply raised an eyebrow in disbelief at those words as he glanced up and down the corridor, taking a lot more time than it normally would to check the hallways, clearly trying to prove some sort of point.

"Really?" he asked slowly, once again looking around the ward as if something was missing, "Well then Bobbo you haven't been trying very hard seeing as I've been on this floor for the past hour treating what can only be described as chronic diarrhoea. Now I know what you're going to say, I usually pass these cases over to some useless intern, or Denise but seeing as he would probably kill the patient and the interns are all in hiding I'm stuck treating the guy myself," Dr Cox replied as his eyes slowly moved from the man's face down to what he was currently stuffing into his mouth, "And judging by that oversized muffin, I'm going to take a wild guess and say the places you looked, we're both your office and the coffee shop."

Dr Kelso just shrugged his shoulders at that and simply took a large bite of one of his many life time treats. Of all the things he was grateful for, and there wasn't a lot, he did love the fact that he won an unlimited supply of cakes.

"So what if they were," he said simply, his mouth full of the mixture, causing Carla, Dr Cox and Shirley to turn their heads away in disgust as some of the muffin made its way back out of his mouth.

"That is disgusting!" Shirley said under her breath as she turned away and pushed her chair over to the computer screen before she was told to get back to work. Dr Cox chose to ignore that comment though, as he pulled a sickened face and shared a look with the Latina woman.

"What do you want because I'm actually really busy here?" he asked after it became obvious the Chief of medicine was not going to continue any time soon as he continued to stuff the food into his mouth.

"I was talking to Lurch earlier," he said, despite the fact his mouth currently held at least half of his snack. "-We're friends at night-" he quickly added with a smirk seeing the confused faces of the two people in front of him, swallowing the contents of his breakfast in one go in the process, "Anyway Perry it's come to my attention that you know about the whole Sam situation."

As soon as those words left Kelso's lips, it was like time stood still for a second or two, as Carla's head shot to her boss and then back to her friend a questioning look written all over her face. Dr Cox also looked slightly taken back, but he recovered from the shock rather quickly as he shook his head and put on a more neutral expression.

"And…?" he replied, indicating with his hand for the man to get to the point as he was quickly losing interest, despite the fact that was probably the complete opposite to how he actually felt about the topic.

"And I was fine with Dr Dorian working here when he was able to do his job. However given the rumours which are going around this hell hole about his… mental stability… I think its best he takes a couple of weeks of," the grey haired Doctor eventually said, speaking rather slowly even for him, as if there was supposed to be some sort of hidden message in his wording, "Paid of course," he added almost painfully.

"Does Bob Kelso actually have a heart? Is he actually worried about another human being…? My god what is this world coming to!" Dr Cox shot back, his face remaining blank as he tried to work out what on earth the man's motives were. He rarely did anything which would benefit his staff, let alone let someone off fully paid because they were suffering some sort of grief.

"Ted brought it to my attention that this hospital could be liable if Dr Dorian completely lost it, that we could be seen to not care about the people who work here … I think it's best all round if he has a break…. Tell him to get out by the end of the day and not to come back till he can be trusted to do what he is paid to do. If he wants to be a jackass believe me when I say that's fine by me as long as he's not destroying my hospital in the process!"

"Why don't you tell him yourself?" Dr Cox replied, causing Kelso to grind his teeth as he placed his hands inside his lab coat pockets.

"Because it seems that Dr Dorian is under the impression I was working Kim to hard considering how far along she was and although I disagree I can't have him saying that to anyone else, other than myself of course. So it's in everyone's interest that he leaves the hospital for a while, preferably without losing it again at the sight of me... you know encase anyone, hears his little accusation."

With that, Dr Kelso nodded slightly before pushing past the curly haired man and making his way in the direction of the nearest tray of food.

For a moment neither of the two remaining hospital workers said a word to each other as a complete silence fell upon them, both of them contemplating what the man who everyone considered to be some sort of devil in disguise, had said. Then ever so slowly Carla turned her head towards her ex flame and studied his face carefully, looking for some indication of what was really going on.

Finally she gave in.

"Okay what's going on? Who's Sam and what on earth is wrong with JD?" she asked, making Dr Cox's eyes briefly wander towards her. For a millisecond it seemed as if he was actually going to volunteer an answer, before he shook his head and clapped in a sarcastic motion,

"Well done, you actually sounded concerned then."

And before she could utter a single word, the dark haired man walked away, heading in the exact direction he had seen Newbie going over ten minutes ago, he needed to talk to him before anyone else did.

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Heading towards the stair case, the older man was far from surprised to see the man in question just standing there, hanging over the railings near the actual stairs, just staring down at the floors below.

Instead of saying something straight away, Dr Cox remained quiet and took a few steps towards him. As he got closer he immediately saw the man's hand was clasped around what looked like an old photograph, which at some point had been screwed up. It didn't take him long, as soon as the blonde hair came into view, to realise who exactly was in the picture and why the attending seemed to be in some sort of trance.

"Newbie!" he eventually yelled out, causing JD to jump a mile as a whistling sound soon filled the air. Turning around quickly so he could come face to face with his mentor, JD gulped and stumbled slightly as he looked into the eyes of the man he had always looked up to, trying to judge his expression to try and work out if he was about to yell at him.

"What are you doing here?" Dr Cox asked, his arms folding across his chest once more as he looked JD up and down, trying to see if he could diagnose him with hypothermia or not.

"I'm just thinking, sorry I'll get back to work now," JD replied in a low voice as he attempted to get past the older man and get on with what he was paid to do. Dr Cox's arm instantly moved to the side however, blocking him from going anywhere.

"Not here you idiot, what are you doing in the hospital? You're in no fit state to work, so unless you're here for some sort of treatment, or hell, anger management class, then I suggest you go home and put us all out of our misery," the forty eight year old man said in a gruff tone, frustration evident in his voice. He couldn't understand why the man wanted to be at the hospital no matter how hard he tried, if the situation was reversed, he was sure he would be sitting on the sofa in his apartment destroying his liver with a vast amount of alcohol.

"I'm fine,." JD answered, his eyes fixed firmly on the floorboards.

"No you're not and you don't have a choose in this, Kelso's put you on compassionate leave effective immediately, **you're not** to return here until you can keep that temper in check, or perhaps more importantly, learn to deal with what ever issues you have." Dr Cox continued, his hand still placed firmly on JD's chest to prevent him from going anywhere other than down the stairs and towards the exit.

"I don't have any…" JD started but was effectively cut of by the older doctor's much more powerful voice.

"Don't you give me that crap, now I won't say it again, GO HOME!" when JD made no attempt to move, or even acknowledge that he had heard his mentor, Dr Cox decided to play on the one thing he knew for a fact would get JD to leave, "If you are not heading out of this building in the next five seconds I will be marching down that corridor and telling Carla e_verything_!"

JD's head instantly shot upwards as his eyes bore into Dr Cox's, not quite believing what he had just threatened.

"One," Dr Cox said firmly, his arms folding around himself as he began tapping his foot impatiently on the floor.

JD just continued to stare at his mentor but when the only look he received was one of pure hard stone, he shook his head dejectedly and without a word turned around and walked down the stair case, the picture of him and Kim, still held firmly in his hand. He was so lost in his own little world that he didn't even notice when his cell phone went flying out of his scrubs pocket.

Dr Cox however did and he instantly stepped forward and picked the mobile up, staring at it as if it was a foreign species. Hitting one of the buttons, a list of contacts instantly came up on screen, along with a bunch of phone numbers. For a second the man wasn't sure what to do and then a small barely noticeable grin appeared on his face as he scrolled down the list. The kid clearly needed help and he wasn't quite suited for the job of being there for him… but maybe someone else was…

Clicking the call button, he held the device to his ear and waited as the buzzing sound filled the room, indicating the call had been connected.

"Hello?" the voice at the other end said after more than seven consecutive rings.  
"Hi, this is Perry Cox… Yes the Dr Cox… "He added with a roll of his eyes. "Listen I think you need to come down here… you need to know some things…."

**(A/n) I'll give everyone a virtual cookie if they can hazard a guess on just who Perry has called…. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed it means a lot. Till next time folks, Bye.**


	11. For better or for worse

**Chapter 11- For better or for worse****  
**  
_Basically, being suspended from the hospital, left me a lot of time to, well...think… Unfortunately I didn't like any of the thoughts which came into my head or the events which followed._

_I couldn't stand being at home, around everything that reminded me of Kim…. The smell of her perfume, the cupboards full of spicy Monster Munch chips (one of her many pregnancy cravings), her clothes tossed everywhere, the photo's which littered the walls, it was all just too much._

_So instead, for nearly a week now, I have been sat at the hospital, in front of my son's incubator, barely moving._

_As soon as I arrived today though, I realised something was seriously wrong, their were nurses running about everywhere, doctors yelling words which my brain refused to translate and the horrible sound of a flat lining heart monitor…. _

_As I stood in the door way, my heart literally in my throat, words can't even describe the absolute devastation I felt as one of the men almost whispered 'time of death', in fact if I wasn't three feet away from them I wouldn't have even heard it, if I wasn't there when it all took place, I would never have believed it even happened._

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**Thursday 27th March 7.02 am**

The room emptied pretty quickly after those three words left the man's mouth, as everyone mumbled their condolences.

"There was nothing we could do, I am so sorry," The older doctor said, his eyes blurring slightly as he glanced back to the baby lying motionless in the incubator, a defibrillator standing just a few feet away. This was the part he hated most about his job, having to tell a parent about the death of their child, a helpless little infant who hadn't done anything to deserve such a short almost meaningless life.

He was so sure that everything was going to work out okay, that that child would be leaving the hospital a few months down the line with a loving family. Of all of his patients he was given at the start of the week, he never in a million years thought he would have to rush into the special care baby unit and try and resuscitate one who wasn't even on his list.

Mumbling once more how sorry he was and if there was anything he could do he would, the grey haired man left the room.

JD could only shake his head in disbelief though, his eyes locked on the child laying a few meters in front of him. It was almost like he was detaching himself from the situation, pretending that it was just a normal day at Sacred Heart and the baby was just another patient, that he had no connection to it what so ever.

The young girl, Amy, who he had struck a sort of friendship with, ran straight over to him and collapsed in his arms moments later, tears pouring down her face as her whole body shook. He hadn't even realised she was there, but apparently she too had been in the room the whole time, though unlike him, she had been there when the warning alarms started going off, when the doctors had first ran into the ward and when that damn defibrillator was wheeled in.

JD was almost too stunned to respond as he stared at the sight in front of him, his own body going completely numb in disbelief. This wasn't right! None of this was right! It shouldn't have happened; everything was fine only four hours ago…. What on earth had gone wrong in the few hours he had been away? How on earth was he staring at the dead body of a child? A child who doctors had said had a greater chance of surviving then they first thought?

After a few minutes he returned her hug, his arms embracing her tightly as he let a single tear roll down his cheek. There was only one thing going though his mind as he stared at that damn incubator that was supposed to keep premature babies alive, do any babies that poorly ever stand a chance?

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Six days, six days was how long ago Dr Cox had made the phone call and how long it apparently took the man he had phoned to make it from his home town to the hospital. Despite his frustrations at this, when he saw him walking down sacred hearts corridor, the older man almost smiled.

Sure there was a stench of alcohol which followed but that didn't really matter, the guy after all was known for not handling emotional situations well and it didn't take a genius to realise just why it had taken so long to get to the hospital, you could smell him a mile away.

Still, at least he had turned up, somewhat sober yet clearly suffering from the night before and in the need of a very cold shower.

His almost smile instantly turned to a frown however as he saw Elliot walking towards him, her brow creased in confusion as she approached the man no one had seen since the death of Sam Dorian three and a half years ago.

"Dan?" She cried out instantly, her white private practise coat flying outwards as she stormed forward. "What on earth are you doing here?"

The dark haired man looked at her for a moment with a completely blank expression, and then ever so slowly he turned his body to greet her, put on his usual cheesy grin and indicated with his thumb towards Dr Cox, who was by now standing opposite them both.

"He rang me," He replied simply like it was the most obvious answer in the world and that she was an idiot for not already knowing that.

"Oh... Why?" Was all Elliot could say in response as she glanced towards the man she had always feared with a questioning look, wondering what on earth he was playing at. She knew all to well how much he loved tormenting JD and couldn't help but wonder what sick game he was playing by calling Dan… Just what was he trying to achieve by calling someone who would more than likely make JD one hundred times worse?

Dan looked at her once again as if she had grown two heads before he looked over to Dr Cox who was shaking his own head as he tapped his nose with his index finger, his arms folded, trying to convey the message for the younger man not to say a word until they had spoken.

Dan of course wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed and just turned back to Elliot, oblivious to the message he was receiving.

"Because of Kim obviously…." He replied as Dr Cox slowly closed his eyes, his teeth grinding together as a feeling of pure dread washed over him. Sure he thought keeping what had happened a secret was wrong and that people deserved to know, but he knew it wasn't his place to announce it to the whole hospital… just to the kid's older brother…. The rest was up to JD.

"Kim?" Elliot replied, her mouth hanging open slightly as she tilted her head to one side in confusion.

"Yeah, and I know what your thinking, I haven't got the best track record with being there for people, it's not really my thing… but still Johnny is my little brother and he needs me…" Dan continued, doing nothing to help Elliot's obvious puzzlement.

"…So… What are you saying? That JD couldn't fix things between them? They've split up for good?" She asked as her brow creased even more and she blew the bangs out of her face.

"Split up? What are you talking about? Kim is d…." Dan replied but never got the chance to finish as he was instantly cut of as Dr Cox literally sprang forward and grabbed the man by his shirt, stopping him before that last word could come out.

"I think we should go see your brother…" he said in a low growl as he pulled Dan forward causing the man to stumble slightly. " Oh and run along now Barbie for I am pretty sure you have got some people who are unfortunate enough to be referred to as 'your patients' to see…? Oh and while we are on the subject of patients, the teenager down the hall has been asking for his morphine for about an hour now…Now, i know what your thinking why do I care about the guy, well seeing as he's had half his arm detached from his body i think maybe you should, like any good doctor, comply with that n-_h_ot so little request."

With that he turned and left, pulling a very confused Dan along with him. In the background he could just about hear the blonde crazy woman scream out a 'Frick' as she sped off towards Mr Thomas's room.

"Okay was the Barbie bit really necessary?" Dan said after he forced his arm out of Dr Cox's grip and came to a stop by the elevator.

Dr Cox just shook his head as he looked down at the man, hitting the ground floor button on the elevator panel in the process. What had possessed him to think phoning the guy was a good idea?

"Yes… Yes it was, because you see Dan, Barbie describes that ditzy sell out perfectly…" he replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"So why did you drag me away? She does know about Kim right?" Dan replied as he tilted his head to one side, much like JD when ever he was having one of his little fancies.

" No she does not… why? Because your brother decided to _nawt_ tell anyone about Kim's ultimate demise or the fact his son could go pretty much the same way.. And although I would just **love** for you to tell everyone and save me the hassle, right now I don't think he could handle the grovelling trio," Dr Cox replied, causing Dan to raise his eye brows slightly and look at him in disbelief.

"Huh?" The ex bartender grunted, causing Dr Cox to roll his eyes as the two of them simultaneously stepped into the elevator as the doors opened.

"Elliot does not know that Kim is dead and JD's son is on life support… so don't you go and tell her … did I put that simply enough or do you need me to say it s l o w e r?" The doctor continued in a voice so frustrated that Dan actually averted his eyes as he turned away to face the wall behind him. That wasn't exactly the part he was confused about, but the look he was receiving actually sent shivers down his spine, forcing Dan to turn away, shut his mouth and glance down at the only other thing someone could look at in an elevator... the floor.

"Umm...Coxy...Why is there a dead body on the floor?"

Dr Cox glanced at the younger man out of the corner of his eye for a moment or two before looking down in the direction he was evidentially pointing at.

"Nervous guy…" He growled before shaking his head and walking towards the metal doors as a familiar ping filled the box. "That guy is going to get this hell hole shut down one of these days."

Without any further explanation he walked straight over to the main exit, obviously expecting the slightly younger man to follow him without question, much like his brother used to. Dan briefly looked over his shoulder at the large black bag on the floor, his face screwed up in a mixture of disgust and bewilderment, before he shrugged his shoulders and reluctantly chased after Dr Cox, he had more important things to worry about than why someone would leave a rotting body in a lift.

As soon as the doors closed once again, unknown to the duo, a certain Doug Murphy sat up from his position on the floor, pushing hard at the dead person who he was stuck underneath, trying to move the body enough for him to stand, a startled and slightly worried expression on his face…

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**Thursday 27th march 9.30 am**

Sitting next to Sam's incubator, JD was visibly shaking as he stared down at his baby boy. Amy had long ago left, saying she needed to be alone. Not that JD could blame her, if the situation was reversed he was sure he would want some time to himself too and not be in the company of someone whose baby _was_ currently still alive.

He didn't have a clue how he would have reacted if it was Sam who they were unable to bring back. The death of little Alaska really hit home that his son was living on borrowed time.

Alaska, apparently named because that was where her father lived, had been born with only one lung and eight weeks premature… but the doctors had given her a 70% chance of pulling though, much higher than they would even dream of giving Sam… yet she had been the one to pass away… not him.

A part of JD couldn't help but feel guilty about that, that his son, who had flat lined more times than he cared to remember, who had to have surgery just two days ago was still fighting for his life, where as the baby everyone was sure would be okay, was currently in a draw in the mortuary. It somehow just didn't seem right.

Not that JD was complaining, far from it, but it didn't give him much hope for his son ever making it to even a month old, not when a baby with much higher chances than he had, had passed to the other side.

Putting his hand into the incubator JD began stroking his son's paper thin skin once again, the horrible thoughts on how much time the child actually had flowing though his mind, one thing was for sure… it didn't look good.

As he continued to tenderly stroke his son, JD made a silent wish, that if the little boy was really going to leave this world and go and live with his mum, then it would be when he wasn't there, because as much as he loved his little boy, much like Amy, he didn't think he could handle standing in the room as people battled to save him. He didn't have the strength to watch one more person he loved die, he just didn't.

A soft knock on the door behind him, caused JD to abandon his thoughts and turn around, looking slightly perplexed as no one ever knocked before entering the ICU.

As Dan and Dr Cox slid in though the door way, both looking solemnly at the incubator next to where JD was sitting, the first time father found he just couldn't question why Dan was there, instead he stood up and fell into his brother's arms as Dan gave him an awkward one armed hug, clearly having no idea what he was supposed to do.

"How's he doing?" Dr Cox asked after clearing his throat slightly a few minutes later, clearly uncomfortable with the situation, still he was determined that he wouldn't be a complete jackass and just turn around and leave.

JD instantly broke away from Dan and turned to face his mentor folding his arms nervously around himself as he sat back down next to his son.

"Better than Alaska," he mumbled before he could stop himself as he sank down in his chair and stared at the empty incubator down the hall where Amy's daughter used to lay, his eyes darkening over.

Dr Cox just looked at him strangely, wondering if he was having some sort of daydream, as Dan pulled a face and shrugged.

"Well that's good, I guess… because those ice caps have like twenty years left in them…" Dan replied, looking at his brother with nothing but confusion. Doctor Cox meanwhile turned to face him a look of pure disbelief written across his own face as he shook his head, choosing given the situation and where they were currently standing, to just let that one go.

"Alaska is… or rather was… Amy's daughter, she died," JD continued, not taking his eyes of that one spot, causing the older doctor to follow his gaze over to the empty corner, his heart sinking a little as he realised how emotionless the man sounded, that wasn't JD… the man he knew never talked about a person like their life meant nothing.

"Who's Amy?"

"Does it matter? The point is that that little girl had a 70 percent chance of surviving and she didn't… the doctors wont even give Sam a 10 percent chance…," JD replied as his eyes drifted over to his brother, who looked just as stunned as Dr Cox at how deflated he sounded.

"Okay what on earth happened to my little brother? Don't give up on your son just yet!" Dan ordered as he grabbed a spare chair from behind him and twirled it around so he was sitting with the back of the seat in front of him, his legs draped over each side.

When JD said nothing in response, Dan glanced up to Dr Cox who had remained by the door, silently begging him to say something, hoping that two emotionally crippled narcissists really would make up to one decent human being who could help the thirty year old for a second time.

Shaking his head, Dr Cox reluctantly stepped forward so he was in JD's line of sight and stared down at the younger man.

"Newbie, listen to me, do you remember what I told you a few years ago? Statistics mean nothing, 99% of all a appendectomy patients go though the operation without any complications, whilst 99% of people with brain tumours unfortunately pass. However we have both known patients with cancer that have lived, but an appendectomy case that has died. Stop pretending for even a minute that statistics mean anything; you know for a fact that when it comes to an individual they are pretty much useless numbers strung together. Sam has already defied the odds by making it this far, so what makes you honestly believe that he won't continue to do that. He is fighting every second of every day, so man up and start fighting with him instead of being the pathetic girl you always are and giving up, because he deserves so much better than that."

JD instantly lifted his head slightly to look up at Dr Cox, as the elder man and Dan inwardly cringed at his harsh tone, knowing full well he could take that one of two ways. He would either accept what Dr Cox said and stop thinking so negatively or decide Sam deserved better than him and sulk of. Thankfully for all of them, it didn't seem to be the latter as JD nodded in response and offered them a small smile.

"Good, now unlike the two of you, I actually have work to do and come on let's face it, that damm hospital would fall apart with out me," with that Dr Cox turned around and headed back towards the door, but not before signalling for Dan to follow him.

The ex-bartender instantly rose to his feet and followed the elder man just out of JD's hearing range.

"Keep an eye on him, if he wants to talk let him, if he doesn't then sit there quietly and don't you dare head down to the local pub. If he starts screaming and throwing things at random people, call me and I'll get the number of a grief_ counsellor,_" he said in a low voice before handing Dan a card with his number on, poison almost literally rolling off his tongue, it was after all no secret what he thought of certain doctors whose only interest was in screwing with peoples minds.

Dan simply nodded and as he turned back to his brother, Dr Cox slowly but surely left the room, figuring the two Dorian's were better left alone. Besides, he actually had work that needed to be done that he couldn't pass on to the interns even if he wanted to.

As he headed out of the building, Dr Cox glanced down at his pager and was slightly taken back at the amount of missed messages he had received, he hadn't even heard his pager going off. Scrolling though all thirteen texts his face got considerably whiter with everyone he read till only one word could escape his mouth.

"Crap."

**(a/n) So who thought it was Sam that was dead? Come on admit it who thought it was Sam? Sorry but I couldn't resist doing that it added something to the chapter, I tried it with writing it was Amy's daughter straight away but it didn't have the same impact… now the question is, what's happened over at sacred heart during Cox's absence…**


	12. Lollipops

**Chapter 12- Lollipops**

**(a/n) The narration is in Doug's point of view**

_Okay so in my defence I wasn't spying, when I heard Dr Cox I just panicked, he has a habit of yelling at me and I already have a headache. I had been stuck under that body for a good half hour and as usual no one had offered to help, then when I saw him I just sort of ducked, how was I supposed to know what he and JD's goofy brother were talking about?_

_Kim being dead was certainly new information, I know I practically live in the morgue these days but still it would have been nice for someone to tell me! I mean that totally explains JD's rather odd behaviour this past week and to think I was starting to take it personal._

_When he came down yelling at me for leaving dead bodies lying around and how disrespectful it is, admittedly I was a bit confused as he isn't exactly the type to have a go at me, now if I had known Kim was dead I would so not have said what I did about them not feeling anything anymore…that's just a bit too insensitive given the situation. And again, kind of explains how that led to him trashing the place._  
_At least I'm not the absolute last person to know, clearly everyone else does and that's why they're treading on egg shells, but Elliot apparently doesn't, I'll just have to remember not to mention it in front of her… and of course where I left Mr Wong but that's another issue._

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**Thursday 27th March 7.20 am **

Kneeling down next to the vending machine Doug Murphy pressed his head to the nearest wall, and glanced down the back of it and along the corridor. He knew he had Mr Wong when he went to get a drink. He had just heard about Kim and managed to get free, so he had pulled the body over to that very drink machine and got a nice can of soda to calm himself down.

He'd always liked Kim, for a surgeon she was really nice and always took the time to stop and talk to him, on the slower days she would often pop down the morgue for a chat and enquire about who was responsible for the latest patient's death, sometimes grinning way to much when she learned it was one of her fellow surgeons.  
But apparently it was a good thing as it made her look better?  
Not that he really understood how that made her look better since it was a red mark on sacred heart's success rate, but who was he to question her?

He had never seen JD so happy than when they were together, he was always smiling and laughing and joking about, of course he was like that anyway but occasionally you would see an almost shadow glaze over his eyes, displaying his darker emotions even if it was only for a second. However when he was with her, even someone like Doug noticed that his eyes practically glistened that those darker moments appeared less and less frequently.

To be completely honest the mortician didn't want to even think about how poor JD was feeling right now, he'd obviously been letting out some anger by destroying the hospital and yelling but that was just when those emotions got to much for him to handle, he must have been breaking inside as he tried to remain professional in front of people including his closet friends.

"Umm Doug? What are you doing?"

Shooting to his feet in surprise, Doug turned around to face none other than Elliot Reid who was standing just a few inches away from him, looking very confused. Well he supposed that was only far seeing as he had been peering behind a big chunk of metal.

"I lost a patient." He replied simply, reminding himself over and over again not to mention Kim, there had to be a reason for JD and all the others not to tell her she was dead and since they hadn't told him either, he knew he just had to keep his mouth shut, besides he was no good with crying girls.

Thinking back that was probably apart of the reason he now worked with the dead, giving bad news to a patient then walking away when they started blubbering saying it wasn't that bad was one of the many things Dr Cox had screamed at him for, well that and killing them of course.

"Oh I'm so sorry." She continued, brushing her bangs out of her face as she looked down at him sympathetically, she knew all to well what it felt like to loose one of your patient's after you fought so hard to keep them alive…. "Wait, hold on, you work in the morgue, all your patients are already dead."

"Yeah I know, but I can't find Mr Wong anywhere."

"Oh… well… why don't you try retracing your steps? Where do you remember having him last?" Elliot asked as she looked up and down the corridor, the hospital wasn't that big of a place, surely people would notice and complain about a big black bag being left somewhere, especially seeing as Mr Wong died seven hours ago, there had to be some sort of smell by now.

"Well I was in the elevator, stuck underneath him and then Dr Cox and Dan came in, they were talking about ki… kicking butterflies…" Doug stuttered squeezing his eyes shut and rubbing his hands together nervously as he realised exactly what he had just said, was kicking butterflies seriously the best answer he could come up with?

"Kicking Butterflies?" Elliot repeated with her eyebrows raised, a disbelieving expression on her face, Dan and Doctor Cox talking about how best to hurt a few flying insects was about as believable as her and Carla discussing how much they wished they would put on weight. She knew Dr Cox was pretty much completely insane and had some anger issues but even she couldn't picture him actively planning on torturing animals.

"Yep Butterflies, then I went to get a drink and then I went with the Janitor to the dumpster to see his trap he set for Turk, although I'm not to sure why he suddenly wants to hurt him… oh hey, I didn't have him when I went back upstairs, thanks Elliot." With that Doug turned on his heals and headed back towards the stairs humming a song under his breath. The blonde woman just raised her eyebrows and watched him leave, before shaking her head, not quite believing what she had just heard.

"Dr Reid, Mr Thomas is still asking about his morphine." A passing nurse called out as she handed the chart she currently carried, over.

"Frick!"

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About twenty minutes later and Mr Wong was safely back in the morgue all ready for his post mortem to be taken tomorrow morning, as far as Doug was concerned however it was a waste of time, the amount of blood he was covered in kind of suggested he bled out, simple as. But of course he had to waste his day cutting the man open, examining his every muscle, bone and organ with care and ignore the fact he had a bullet wound in his chest until the very end, just encase it could have been something else which killed him.

Slamming the draw shut to at least contain the smell; Doug reached over to his work desk and grabbed one of his favourite cherry lollipops. Sticking it in his mouth, he couldn't help but sigh a little as he released that was the last in the pack, the pack that Kim herself had bought for him less than a month ago. It was kind of poetic if you thought about it, the day he found out about her death he ate her last lollipop.

"Doug, Mrs Goldstone has just died, overdose should be an easy one for you." A familiar voice said from behind him, causing the young man to turn his head slightly to acknowledge the nurse. It had just hit him, like properly hit him, Kim was actually not coming back and he was never going to see her smile again.  
"Thanks Carla." He replied rather queerly as he leant forward and rested his head on his hands.

"Is everything okay?" She asked almost instantly as she took a few steps into the room glancing round uneasily, dead people had always given her the creeps.

"Yeah just thinking about Kim." He answered truthfully as his shoulders sagged a little, Carla however didn't respond as she looked at him strangely. As far as she was aware Kim was coming back after what she presumed was her maternity leave was over, so why he was missing her when they never seemed that close didn't really make much sense, then again she thought it was Doug. "She was so nice to me all the time…It's crazy isn't it, of all the people in the world, you would never think something like that would happen to her."

"No, No you wouldn't but things happen, especially when you don't wear a condom." Carla replied with a small grin presuming he was talking about her pregnancy, she never really talked to Doug that much so wasn't entirely sure how to react to what he was saying… was he in love with her or something?

"Is that what happened? Is that how…you know _It_ happened." Doug continued looking up at the Latina woman with questioning eyes, after all, all he knew was that she was dead and her son was fighting for his life, he hadn't a clue what had actually killed her.

"Umm yeah, well from what JD told me, she wasn't on the pill or any other form of contraception and it just sort of escalated from there…." Carla replied clearly slightly taken back by that question, surely at thirty years old Doug was aware of the birds and the bees and the consequences which would follow if certain precautions were not in place, right?

Clearly uncomfortable with the direction the topic of conversation was going in, Carla shook her head and turned towards the doorway. Talking about intimate details of JD's sex life wasn't really high on her to do list after all, but before she even took a step she found herself twisting back round to face the mortician, her curiosity getting the better of her. Besides as a nurse and a mother she needed to make sure the young man was aware of what may happen if he wasn't careful.

"So, what exactly do you know about, _It_?" she asked cringing slightly, although she had had this conversation with many teenagers in her nursing career, somehow talking about it with a colleague made everything seem a lot more painful.  
"Huh?... well not a lot." Doug admitted causing Carla to raise her eyebrows. "Well barely anything, just what I heard Dr Cox say."

"What Dr Cox said?" Carla repeated her eyes almost bulging out of their sockets; this was just getting weirder and weirder by the second.

"Yeah, well what I heard Dr Cox saying to JD's brother anyway." Doug continued, oblivious to the fact he and Carla were clearly not on the same wave length.

"Dan and Dr Cox were talking about _it_?" Carla repeated sceptically, yet at the same time her eyes almost dancing out of their sockets as she thought about the gossip she was getting. Sure Dr Cox discussing Sex wasn't something new, he made jokes about it all the time, but him openly discussing it with Dan no less, was something Laverne would have all but dreamed of.

"Yeah and baby Sam, I think that's what they said JD had called him…" Doug replied as the dark skinned woman's mouth dropped, Kim had given birth? How on earth had JD managed to keep that quiet? And perhaps more importantly why had Dr Cox been the only one JD had told?

Before Doug could say another word Carla reached down to her pager and quickly typed a message to her boss/ Friend/ ex, how dare he keep this from her, she had the right to know if one of her best friends had just had a baby, she would need support, especially since she and JD had broken up.

"Can you believe I have just finished the last lollipop Kim will ever give me?" Doug mumbled after a moment or two, pulling the empty white stick out of his mouth and staring at it intently like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"I'm sure once things settle down with the baby she'll get you another pack…" Carla said rather uneasily, confused at how big a deal that seemed to be to him, the woman had after all just given birth, and he couldn't be that addicted to the sugary snack could he?

"Carla, I believe in miracles, believe me I do, how do you think I made it though the first four years in this place? But even I know a dead person can't buy me sweets." With that Doug swung his chair around and without looking back headed out of the room, oblivious to the impact those few words would have and the events they were sure to put into motion.

Spinning around to face the door as it slammed shut, Carla simply stared at it for a moment or two, almost like she was frozen to the spot as those words flew around her head, repeating themselves over and over again.

**'A dead person can't buy me sweets.'**

What the hell was that supposed to mean? Kim wasn't dead! She couldn't be dead, it just wasn't possible, wasn't plausible, she was a young perfectly healthy mother with her whole life ahead of her; there was just no way she had passed on.  
Doug had to have heard wrong, that was the only possible explanation the nurse could come up with, he had heard a rumour about JD's strange behaviour, seen that Kim hadn't been at work for the last week and jumped to conclusions!  
Dashing forward Carla full out charged out of the morgue, determined to set the younger doctor straight on a few things, there was no way she could let him go around the hospital saying, hell even thinking things like that.  
What if he had said something and it wasn't to her? To someone who would have believed him without question? The repercussions didn't even bare thinking about.

**'A dead person can't buy me sweets'**

"Doug, wait up!" Carla shouted as she ran down the hospital corridors.  
The brunet hearing her, stopped abruptly just before he reached the staircase to join the living population, taking in her reaction with a confused and innocent stare.

"Sorry I know I shouldn't say things like that, that it's upsetting." He said instantly, holding his hands up in defeat as the nurse charged towards him, anger written all over her face.

"Then why say it?" She growled in her usual annoyed tone which could have even Dr Kelso take a step back in fear for his very life.

"Well because I didn't think, I mean what if Elliot heard? I'm sorry it's all just such a shock, I'll be more careful of what I say from now on I promise." He mumbled backing away slowly.

"Never mind Elliot, do you know how sick it is to make comments like that? Kim is a new mother and you're wishing her dead? What just because you haven't seen her in a few days you decide her fate? That is wrong on so many levels!" Carla continued completely ignoring Doug's expression as it went from one of remorse to concern before finally turning to one of realisation.

"You don't know do you?" he said so softly it was almost a whisper as he looked down at the floor and began to nervously play with his fingers, taking deep calming breathes.

"What are you talking about?" Carla replied, her voice slightly smoother as her fore head crinkled in confusion.

"Carla I'm not making this up, Kim died seven days ago, I heard Dr Cox telling Dan on his way to see JD, they are really worried about him, it's why he's been acting so strange lately. His behaviour, you must have noticed how erratic it's been; he's suffering, a lot…" Doug all but mumbled as he continued to look at the floor, refusing to make eye contact with the Latina woman who wasn't making a sound.

**'A dead person can't buy me sweets'**

Carla simply shook her head over and over again as Doug's words slowly started to sink in.

"I'm serious Carla, I'm presuming it happened after she gave birth, that's why Dan's here, to try and I don't know comfort JD…I guess." Doug added as he quickly glanced in the nurse's direction only to realise she didn't seem to believe him.

"Kim's dead?" Carla stuttered her mouth opening and closing like a goldfish. Doug could only nod in response as he watched the mother of one's body begin to shake and listen as her breathing became deeper.

"Oh good god!" She eventually gasped out as her hand went flying up to cover her mouth, as bile rose in her throat. She literally felt like she was going to be sick as reality finally hit her like a ton of bricks.  
Kim was dead. Like actually not coming back, lying in a morgue, dead. And JD! JD had been suffering in silence for over a week!

"Didn't you wonder why he was acting like a lunatic? I thought you being his best friends you would know, that he would have told you…" Doug continued not even realising he was probably making the situation worse.

**'A dead person can't buy me sweets'**

A small sob escaped Carla's lips as she tightened her grip around her mouth. She had said over and over again for him to deal with his problems on his own, all week he had been trying to talk to her, and Elliot, and Turk, but all three of them had brushed him of, told him to grow up and sort out his own problems, to not burden them. Hell she had made it impossible for him to even try and tell them, she had made him suffer though the grief on his own, what kind of a friend did that make her?  
JD was in pain, real pain, his eyes were haunted and he looked like he hadn't slept in days, he was acting like a completely different person and she didn't even realise there was a problem! She actually couldn't believe she had been that oblivious to what had been going on… and JD had suffered because of it.

"Oh god what have I done!" She croaked, causing the tears which had been forming to slowly descend down her cheek, she couldn't possibly have felt any worse about herself than she did right then, she couldn't possibly feel any more guilty if she tried.  
Doug just shrugged before patting her on the shoulder awkwardly and walking away as Carla collapsed against one of the white walls, her whole body now shaking in disbelief.

Picking up her pager once more, she sent a second message to Dr Cox, then a third, her fingers barely hitting the right buttons as she typed, her vision going blurry as more tears formed… what had she done? What on earth had she done?

**_(a/n) okay so there you are, someone knows.... people should have more faith in Doug... who guessed he spilled his guts to everyone... he didn't do it intentionally. I hope you liked the chapter I re wrote it about five times this last couple of weeks especially the ending. Sorry it took so long to update, this chapter hasn't been beta checked and I will post the beta'ed spelling mistake free chapter as soon as I get it back._**  
**_thank you for everyone who reviewed!_**


	13. The inevitable

Chapter 13- The inevitable

(a/n) The narration is in Doug's point of view again

_Okay so in retrospect I probably shouldn't have just left Carla like that but as I mentioned before I was pretty hopeless with the whole crying thing. I just didn't know what to do and my being there standing like a statue probably didn't help matters much._

_Still, I'm not a complete idiot, as soon as I got up to the main floor; I did what any normal person would do… I found her husband and sent him down to comfort her (conveniently forgetting to say why she was so upset in the first place). I have kinda figured out that if Carla doesn't know about Kim, then JD probably won't have told anyone at the hospital, after all I can't really see Turk keeping something like that from his wife._

_So this means that I am basically road kill as soon as Dr Cox returns from his trip to who knows where…he is going to tear me to pieces when he finds out that I'm the reason nearly everyone at the hospital now knows about JD's predicament._  
_Which is why an hour after the Carla incident, I am currently hiding under the nurse's station, hoping to prolong my inevitable doom…_

_You would be surprised though at what you can hear from this position… let's just say Carla wasn't any closer to forgiving herself and Turk… well he'd been sitting next to me for the last ten minutes rocking back and forth…._

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Thursday 27th march 11.25. am

Glancing to his left for perhaps the ninth time since Turk had sat down, Doug watched as the surgeon simply swayed forward and backwards a vacant stare on his face as he wrapped his arms around his knees, keeping his eyes locked in the general direction of the Latina nurse.

Upon her return from the morgue Carla had walked straight to the nurses station and sat down on one of the chairs as Turk curled himself into a ball below her, both of them acting like empty vessels as they stared off into space, ignoring their pagers beeping away and other people around them asking what was wrong.  
One nurse had even tried asking Doug what was the matter, but soon walked away when she only got a mumbled barely audible 'I am so dead' repeated down her ear.  
People seemed to just be ignoring them now, working around them as if they weren't even there and for the first time in a really long time the two Turks got a small idea of how JD must have felt.

They were clearly falling apart with guilt, their faces were red and tear stained, they looked like they were about to be sick and their bodies were literally shaking as they tried to come to terms with the news. Yet people were just walking past them, pretending there wasn't a problem and that everything was okay.

The staff of Sacred Heart were basically treating Turk and Carla the exact same way they had been treating JD for the past week, and the married couple were slowly starting to realise just how awful they had been to someone who was supposed to be their friend.

"Are you okay?" Doug stuttered as he glanced towards the male beside him after the swaying stopped and it almost looked like Turk had stopped breathing altogether.  
Turk just simply shook his head, over and over and over again before snapping his head in Doug's direction and almost growling at him.

"No I'm not okay!" He shouted causing Carla to glance down at him and away from the clock on the wall. She had basically been staring at it from the moment she sat down, going over every little event which had happened in the last week which indicated something was wrong with JD and of course the words she had spoken to him.

"I'm a horrible best friend!" He continued as Carla nodded her head in agreement, they really were just plain nasty insensitive people who didn't deserve JD in their lives… all she could think about was how on earth they hadn't noticed something was wrong before. "What kind of person doesn't realise his bear's girl had died; JD couldn't even bring himself to tell me, that's how bad I am!"  
Carla, again just nodded, her mascara by now leaving black blotches all over her face, a clear indicator that she was in fact still crying even if the tears weren't as noticeable as before.

"I can't even begin to think of what JD is feeling right now; he has no one, no one! At the time he needed us the most we weren't there and we don't even know where he is… "Turk cried out as he tightened his grip around his legs, causing Doug to raise an eyebrow in disbelief, finding their reaction to the news a little over the top.  
He had of course got the impression they hadn't been exactly nice to JD of late but honestly he couldn't help but think that it was JD who had the right to be curled up in a ball bawling his eyes out … not them.

"Oh God!" Turk continued as his eyes widened in horror causing the mortician to abandon his thoughts and glance over at him in wonder. "We don't even know where he lives! I never got around to asking him where he had moved to! I meant to but I just didn't! What kind of friends does that make us?" He cried causing Doug to roll his eyes slightly and sigh, not quite believing the words which were coming out of the black man's mouth, wishing that the silence had continued for just a little bit longer.

"He's been suspended and he's walked out of here and we may never see him again!" Turk cried as he started rocking back and forth once again.

"It's what we disserve…" Carla spoke out in a soft mumble. "I feel so guilty; we drove him away till he couldn't rely on us any longer. He'll never forgive us!"  
Turk nodded in response before slowly abandoning his position on the floor, getting up and wrapping Carla in a comforting hug, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

As Doug watched this exchanged with mild interest he had to bite the sides of his mouth to stop himself saying something he would undoubtedly end up regretting…  
He knew exactly what he wanted to say, it was bubbling in his throat trying to force its way out, but the mortician wouldn't allow it.

'It's all about you isn't it you selfish pricks' His mind screamed with every word they spoke, but he refused to say it, he couldn't say it, it wasn't in his nature to get into an argument with someone.

He wasn't the type of person to come right out and say that they were still being complete jerks even if they did know the truth. The Turks didn't need him to say it, they felt bad enough as it was and would only feel worse if he allowed those words to pass his lips.

They were suffering enough without him adding to it.

Even now, he could still hear Turk's scream as he settled himself under the nurse's station over an hour ago; in fact Doug was pretty sure the whole hospital had heard the surgeon shouting:

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NOO! It can't be true! I don't believe it!"  
While running though the corridors, floor after floor searching for anyone who could deny what he had just been told.

He had run to the ward to their left first, demanding people tell him what they knew about Kim, about what JD was going though… when they refused to answer or simply replied they didn't know anything he had screamed:  
"Kim can't be dead!"

And charged off into the M.R.I room before throwing the pathologist against the wall, holding him by this throat and demanding if he knew that Kim had died giving birth and why no one had thought to tell him…

The janitor regrettably had overheard this and had walked into the room with a grin on his face and informed Turk that he had only had to have asked him because he had known almost from day one what was going on…

That at the very least had stopped Turk in his tracks as he barely managed to look the man in the eyes as he was taunted with the news.

In fact his exact words, if Doug remembered correctly were, "Ahh but I'm afraid it is, Little Sam Perry Dorian was born just under two weeks ago. JD and me had a nice little chat not long after it happened and as it turns out, he's not too fond of you right now even. In fact I'd go as far as to say he's going to be offering me the title of godfather very soon, if the kid pulls though that is."

Turk had sulked over to the nurses station soon after and took a temporary vow of silence as he sank to the floor in despair, unfortunately, while the Janitor had succeeded in making him feel bad and stopped him telling anybody else… it didn't stop the four people who had heard him from sharing the news.

The mortician could literally see with his own eyes as those four people told four more people, who told four more people about Kim's death, it was by now spreading around the hospital like wild fire and each time someone else found out, Doug found his air supply getting smaller and smaller… he was so dead.  
Even worse… he knew it was only a matter of time till the news reached a certain Elliot Reid and then he would be forced to sit and watch three people mope about in front of him, acting like it was the end of the world and saying how awful they felt and how bad a friend they were.

Which was all well and good, only it didn't help JD in the slightest and it certainly didn't change a thing now did it? … Their self loathing was only adding to the very long list of things they had apparently done in the first place to make them the selfish, self-centred people Doug currently saw opposite him. And he had to admit he was starting to hate them for it.

He also had a horrible feeling that things were only going to get worse…

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Thursday 27th march 11.15. am

Grabbing her freshly made latté and a blue berry muffin from the counter, Elliot Reid smiled to her self as she took a seat on an empty table in the middle of the coffee shop. Sure the day hadn't started out great, with having to go though cases with Ted, being forced to talk to Dan again, being yelled at by Doctor Cox for the third time that morning and forgetting her patients pain meds, but it had gotten increasingly better.

Since the rather strange conversation with Doug, she had been told she had the rest of the afternoon off in order to write a paper on endocrinology to be published in one of her practises medical journals. Of course she didn't need to do any research, being some what of an expert on the subject, so she had spent the last hour catching up on her paper work and basically lounging around in the break room.  
Now as far as she was concerned, she would have a well disserved snack before heading home to take a long hot bath and watch her all time favourite show and basically relax until Keith's shift was over where they could have some fun with a few apples and a Mexican costume… life couldn't get much better than that and she was determined nothing was going to spoil her unusual good mood.

"Umm Dr Reid?" A small voice called out, causing the blonde woman to sigh and close her eyes before opening them again and glancing in the direction of one of her newest interns Leah.

"What do you want Leah? Has no one told you I have the afternoon off?" she replied as she blew her hair out of her face and folded her arms waiting for the twenty five year old to continue. The red head was instantly pushed forward by a group of three that stood behind her, egging her on, eager yet slightly scared expressions on their faces. It became obvious to Elliot immediately that the girl had clearly drawn the short straw but for what she did not know.

"Well, it's just we heard this rumour about Dr Briggs and why Dr Dorian has been acting the way he has, and we were wondering as his friend, if you could tell us if the rumours are true?" The intern spat out before taking a step back and looking at her attending with plea filled eyes.

Elliot simply scoffed in response before rolling her eyes and getting to her feet, her patience with the girl already wearing thin after the mix up that morning.

"JD and Kim's relationship is nothing to do with you so here's an idea, why don't you spend a little more time studying and less time gossiping and then maybe incidents like a certain Mr Thomas being in pain for over an hour, wouldn't happen!" With that she grabbed hold of her cup of coffee and left, a small smug grin on her face as she watched Leah's eyes fall to the ground.

God little miss new boobs was really starting to get on her nerves!

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Walking back into the hospital on the way to get her coat, the blonde doctor almost froze in the door way as she looked around the first floor corridor, her forehead creasing slightly as she glanced from side to side. Something had happened judging by the looks on her colleagues faces that she was sure of.  
When she had left, most of them had been fairly positive about the day and their patients' recoveries, excited even at the announcement that a celebrity footballer had been admitted to the hospital with a broken leg.

(She had looked, he was hot!)

But now it was almost as if a cloud had formed over everybody's heads. Some people looked solemn; some were actually standing in corners crying and others looked completely emotionless, yet they all had the same darkened look as they stood talking, whispering to each other… their eyes seemed almost guilty and sorrow filled.

She heard a few people asking how could it be true and how the baby was but every time they saw her looking they quickly scurried away or turned their backs and pretended to be busy with something, even if it was just adjusting notices on the walls.

By the time she reached the elevators she was utterly confused, she briefly considered just about every possibility she could think of but brushed all ideas off as quickly as they came, a mother dying in a car crash, the footballer telling the females he was gay, hell she even considered that maybe something had happened to Dr Kelso, but none of them added up to why everyone she worked with was taking the event so hard.

With the first one, well it was tragic yes, but not tragic enough to get everyone so upset, with the second one, well the males probably wouldn't be crying over the news and the third, well let's face it most people would be dancing for joy if he announced his retirement.

What's more Turk and Carla seemed to have vanished into thin air so she couldn't even ask them what was going on.

"Umm Dr Reid, I was wondering if I could maybe talk to you for a minute about Dr Dorian." The usual depressed tone of Ted called out as Elliot came to a stop beside him, her eyes travelling around the corridor trying to figure out what on earth was going on.  
"Not now Ted." She replied as she pressed the call button on the elevator panel and stood tapping her foot on the ground, her arms folded.

"But it's important I really think…" He continued, causing Elliot to sigh rather dramatically and turn around to face him, usually she at least tried to be nice to him, but his monotone voice was really starting to get on her nerves, especially after having to sit through paper work with him for over an hour at the start of her shift.

"Look Ted, I don't really care what JD has done now and I am getting pretty sick of people coming up to me wanting some sort of apology or explanation for his behaviour, we dated like three years ago, I don't own him and I have no control over what he does, so if you have a problem with him go and talk to the man himself and stop assuming that I'm his personal carrier pigeon!" She squeaked causing Ted to simply blink at her in disbelief, not quite sure what to make of what she had just said.

Taking his blank expression to mean something else entirely Elliot rolled her eyes and as the elevator doors finally opened she called back to him over her shoulder,  
"A carrier pigeons a messenger Ted." Before stepping inside and pressing the third floor button, slightly relieved when the doors closed once again and the lawyer made no attempts to follow.

(a/n) okay so originally Elliot was also going to find out this chapter as well but I thought that was a bit of a humours ending, she may find out the next one, in fact it is very likely but you never know… I could just see how many ways she can be almost told what is going on….I think its up to three now (Doug in chapter 12, Leah and now Ted) Also who saw the finale of scrubs? Was I the only one annoyed by that fact there was just about every character from the show in it apart from Doug? That is why I'm dedicating this chapter to him! A fantastic character who needed at least some air time in the last three episodes of the show!


	14. A brother’s touch of hope

**Chapter 14: A brother's touch of hope**

**_ (A/N) Ok so im sorry this took so long to get up, its been crazy at work and I just haven't found the time and o be honest I haven't wanted to write. Been really stuck on what to do for this chapter, I knew what I wanted to happen just not how to do it. I obviously promised to have Dr Cox come back and all hell to break loose, but I just wasn't sure how to write it and not let people down. That's not a very good excuse I know, but hopefully you'll all enjoy the chapter all the same. _**

**_On another note you'll notice a date and time added at the start of the chapter, this has been added to all the previous chapters to help with some confusion (admittedly my own) on the time line of things. It also helps make the jumping back and forth between characters, in the last two chapters especially, more understandable. Because of this however, a bit more time has passed since Kim's death then it had been stated, only a few days or so, it doesn't make much difference but I thought you should know._**

**_Lastly I have edited the story a little, nothing major, just added the odd line in every now and then, put a bit more description in some scenes nearer the beginning of the story, everything's pretty much the same, just a few rants a little longer and a bit more Jordon/Cox interaction when she found out about Sam._**

**(A/n2) The narration is back in JD's point of view**

_When Dr Cox walked into the room with my brother, I was admittedly some what relieved to see him; all I could think about was how he being here was going to make everything okay again.I actually felt the beginning of a smile… That was until I snapped back to reality and realised this wasn't one of my day dreams and that Dan had not changed at all in the three years we had inevitably spent apart._

_While for the first ten minutes or so, he sat quietly gazing at my son like I was, content on just watching his tiny chest rise and fall. He soon got bored though and he just started blabbering about anything and everything, including our mom's newest boyfriend and their plans to move to Spain._

_Experts say distractions are good; that they help you focus on little things rather than the big issues… take your mind of what could be. Well I can tell you now they don't help at all, if anything they make you feel worse. All I want to do is yell at him to shut up, to leave me alone and get the hell out of the ICU._

_Yet for some reason I can't, because no matter how much I want him to go, apart of me feels like begging him to stay._

_And I think that is what scares me the most. _

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**Thursday 27th March 11.03 am**

Barely listening to the trival words leaving the older dorian's mouth, all JD could do was stare at the little heart monitor which was beeping away in front of him. Since Dr Cox had left, his eyes had not drifted for even a second away from the tiny machine, fear crippling him every time a single digit changed.

His mind was stuck on the thoughts of what would happen if those numbers fell even a few more beats? Would Sam start coding again? Would he be able to pull himself away from the light, away from his mother, if he did? What if his BP fell dangerously low and that one uneven breath he had half an hour ago became a regular occurrence? That was a well known sign of a heart murmur and his poor body couldn't take any more anaesthetic…

Would JD be forced to choose yet again between letting his son die and putting him though another operation…?

Okay so admittedly he was freaking out slightly, but he was a doctor, for the last seven years he had been trained to notice those sorts of things, not ignore them and hope that they go away or even put it down to a glitch in the piece of equipment. It was his job to take note of even the tiniest symtoms and no matter how hard he tried to he just couldn't switch that part of his brain off.

Blinking as his vision started to blur, JD shook his head slightly trying his hardest to concentrate, it didn't matter if he was tired, he couldn't get distracted Sam's life could depend on him noticing a single change in the statistics.

His older brother however seemed oblivous to this, in fact if JD didn't know any better he would have thought the bartender wasn't even aware of their surroundings, that he actually didn't realsie their was a dying baby in front of them, fighting for his life as his uncle chatted away about his grandmothers toy boy.

JD sqeezed his eyes shut, wishing more than anything he could just tell him to shut up, but he was so afraid of opening his mouth, encase something else that he would later come to regret, came out that he just bit his lip and attempted to tune the man out. As much as he detested Dan at times, a part of him knew he needed him right now, which is why he shrugged his shoulders every now and then or shook his head in agreement; faking some interest in the one sided conversation in the hope it would be enough to placate the thirty five year old.

"So they are thinking of going on this round the world tour, I tell ya' this guy is good for her but he's full of crap, I can almost guarantee by the time they get to France they will be going to Paris separately!" Dan rambled on, causing JD to nod in response as the bartender continued to talk about their mother's love life, something neither of the brothers had had any interest in for some time now. In fact if JD remembered correctly it was when their mother announced she was getting married for the third time that both boys blocked out anything to do with the men in Barbra's life. They hadn't even gone to her fourth wedding and by the time the flowers had whiltered away, so had the relationship.

"Oh and you won't believe what our cousin Sara is up to, the girl has only gotten herself knocked up by uncle B's farm help! Although he said he had 'sorted it' he kinda had this weird look on his face and I ddint like to ask how…"

JD, again just nodded, showing no other recognition that he had even heard what his brother had said, his eyes still fixed on that one vital piece of equipment, the one that was currently breathing for the two week old baby.

When it was obvious the younger man was not going to reply with anything other than a small movement of his head, Dan let out a sigh and glanced around the room, unsure if he should continue to talk or let his brother win and just sit there in a morbid silence. He knew he wasn't exactly helping the situation by going on about what their family had been up to since they had last seen the doctor, but he honestly didn't know what else he could do to help. JD had always been the one when they were younger to sit in the room and make a conversation about anything to even a complete stranger, it was a well known fact the younger man hated silences and all he was trying to do was fill the room with some sound. Surely it would do his little nephew the world of good to actually hear people's voices, other than doctors saying he wouldn't last much longer, or the beeping of machines.

If it was him, laying in a room in total silence with people sitting above him, staring at the machine keeping him alive, well he would have gone stir crazy in a matter of hours, let alone how ever many days it had been.

Yeah he knew Sam was only a baby, but that didn't change the fact he would be able to hear everything that was going on, even if he couldn't understand what was being said at least with people talking the infant would know he wasn't alone.  
"So how old is he now?" Dan asked, deciding his nephew needed to hear his father's voice, to know he was still sitting by his side. At this point he didn't even care what Johnny actually said, he would be happy with a single sound leaving his mouth.

The room fell into a silence as Dan sat at the edge of his seat willing his brother to actually talk, to make some sort of effort at verbal communiation. It seemed like hours past, when in reality it was only about thirty seconds before the younger man's lips slowly moved ridgidly and a small sound echoed though the air.

"Who?" JD mumbled slightly not really paying attention as Sam's heart rate dropped two points causing him to grip hold of the chair he was sitting on, his knuckles going white as he willed it to pick back up again.

Dan's face instantly broke in to a huge grin as he heard the croaky sound which left the other's mouth, sure it sounded like he was in desperate need of water but hey he would take what ever he could get.  
"Little Sammy, he's so tiny, how old is he?" Dan continued, looking towards his brother, trying to get him to take the next step and make eye contact.

"Twelve days..." he replied simply as he let out a sigh of relief as the little boy's heart beat returned to what was considered a healthy rate, at least as healthy as it was going to get for the premature little boy.

"Wow, well that's a good sign right? Dr Cox said he wasn't expected to make it past a week and look at the little guy he's nearly two, he's going to take after me for sure, a proper fighter!" Dan replied with a grin, frowning slightly when JD didn't respond.

After a few minutes, with the only sound being the one from the monitors and an occasional cough from one of the other babies, Dan let out another sigh and shrugged his shoulders as he stood up and stretched out his arms before leaning forward and resting his weight on the incubator, a new idea entering his mind.  
"No, actually I think he's going to take after you." He said softly, his expression deflating as his mind wondered back to an event which happened just over thirty years ago.

Somewhat confused, JD allowed his eyes to leave the machine and turned his face towards his bother. He didn't need to say anything, just his expression allowed Dan to continue, allowed him to realise he was actually getting somewhere.

"You were a prem, you know that right?" He said slowly waiting until JD nodded his head in confirmation before continuing on a topic which no one in his family really discussed. "I was only five at the time so I don't remember much, but I do remember sitting in a room with mum and dad just like this one. God you were small, bigger than Sam but still small, mum refused to name you, to talk about your future; while dad just sat looking at the same type of machine you are right now. Course he didn't know what it meant, he was just listening to the beeps, they were even, we learnt that was a good thing and when ever they sped up or slowed down, dad would run out to get a nurse…" Dan continued hesitantly, surprised when JD didn't instantly look away.

It was a well known fact in the Dorian household that JD had been born a few weeks earlier than expected, yet that was it, no one ever said anymore than that, It was just one of those things no one talked about. It was like no one dared to bring it up, whether it was from fear of upsetting Barbra or even from fear that he'd be taken away from them.

What Dan had just said was the most JD had ever been told in his life and despite how much he wanted to turn his attention back to his son; he found he couldn't, his heart yearning for more information.

"The doctors started pushing for a name when you were about two weeks old, and mum wouldn't give them one, so I started calling you Joanna, that's what mum said you were going to be called, course she thought you were a girl… but I didn't know that… Anyway not long after I called you Joanna, those machines started going haywire, there were people running in and out the room, weird noises and then you were taken away."

Dan stopped talking for a moment and cleared his throat the memory of that day still fresh in his mind, in fact it never really left him, even now he could still hear his mother's sobs as the doctors tried to explain what was wrong.

"Your windpipe or something wasn't big enough and you couldn't breathe, they had to operate, mum was in pieces and dad… he just refused to talk to anyone, they both sat there, in their own little bubbles… Clearly you were okay in the end, but we were told to prepare for the worst… it seemed like hours passed before anyone came back to tell us what happened, even then it wasn't good news…anyway the reason I'm telling you this, is because despite what the doctors thought, you pulled though and I guarantee your son has the exact same stubbornness as you, he's refused to let death take him more than once and I know, like my little, five-times -dead –in –under- a- month-old –brother, he'll be just fine!" Dan smiled softly as he put a hand on his brother's shoulder before reaching over to the hand gel that was attached to the incubator and putting his hand inside the special holes. "He's stronger than you think Johnny, your stronger than you think, you'll both get though this just you wait and see."

As JD watched his brother carefully put his hand though the holes and stroke his son's soft paper thin skin, the attending couldn't help the small smile which appeared on his face as he stood up and looked down at his son, then towards his brother.

"Thanks Dan.…"

**000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**Thursday 27th march 11.55 Am**

Marching into sacred heart doctor Cox instantly came to a stop along the second floor corridor and just looked around, sensing in only a way he could, that something really wasn't right.

The nurses were all stood in corners whispering to each other, each and every one of them with down beaten expressions on their faces. The interns were all looking incredibly guilty, but not in the normal I – just- messed –up way that he was all to used to seeing. And the surgeons, well they looked like they had been punched repetitively in the face.

The whole hospital just screamed death, which for a hospital really is not a good thing.

There seemed to be some sort of black cloud hanging over everyone's heads and he knew for a fact that if JD was there he would instantly picture the staff walking around with rain pouring down on them, flashes of lightning electrocuting someone every once in a while, causing people's expressions to worsen.

Shaking his head as that image entered his mind; he carefully edged further into the building, his confusion only growing when the nurses stopped talking as soon as they saw him, looking shamefully towards the ground until he had passed them completely.  
As he rounded a corner he was greeted by the sight of a group of interns, huddling together talking too quietly for him to hear. When one of them spotted the red head they all shot apart, almost like someone had placed a rocket inside of them and sped of in all sorts of directions, not wanting to be the one Dr Cox was to stop and question.

While usually Dr Cox wasn't one to just ignore reactions like that, he found that today he just couldn't be bothered to yell at the useless human's which called themselves professional doctors.

He didn't have the energy to come up with some lesson or belittle them in front of everyone in the ward, that was something that reminded him all to much of JD and given the amount of… hell concern… he currently had for the man, he really didn't want to see his puppy dog face appear when he was in the middle of one of his rants.

Instead he carried on walking down the corridors in the hope he would eventually see someone he didn't necessarily mind talking to, someone he could ask what the hell was going on.

Sure the amount of messages Carla sent him had indicated she knew about both Sam and possibly what happened to Kim, but that didn't explain why the whole hospital looked like it was in mourning….

As those thoughts filled his head, the attending instantly froze as he looked around at the people who were surrounding him, a few of which were choking back sobs. Then ever so slowly he glanced down to his pager, everything clicking into place… it wasn't just Carla... Everyone knew…

"Fuck!" He snarled causing a few people to look up at him, before quickly glancing away, as Dr Cox dived towards the staircase and charged up the stairs, now more determined to find the only nurse he could stand and force an explanation out of her lips, and boy, it had better be a good one he thought.

"Doug is so dead…" One of the nurses mumbled out as Dr Cox flew past her, unfortunately he wasn't fast enough to not be able to hear those four little words and he soon grinded to a halt and turned back round to face the blonde.  
Realising he had in fact heard her and having seen his temper herself on more than one occasion, the nurse let out a small squeak as she slowly backed off, before running into the nearest supply closet and slamming the door shut.

As tempted as he was to follow her, Dr Cox simply growled under his breathe as he turned back around and stormed towards the nurses station soon catching sight of a familiar bob of black hair.

"Carla!" He called out, causing the woman who had yet to leave the chair to spin it around so she could face him, her cheeks almost completely black with mascara trails. Turk who was standing by the side of her turned to look as well, his face a soft shade of red, a look of pure panic and regret crossing over it. "What the hell is going on?"

**(A/n) okay that's a mean place to end, especially since I haven't updated in like two months… but if I didn't finish here it would take me even longer to update. This way I have an idea brewing for how I want the next chapter to continue… instead of sitting at the pc drumming my figures… thanks for everyone whose been so patient with me and as always please review :) and look I went another chapter without poor Elliot finding out :D**


	15. A mentor's rage

**Chapter 15: A mentors rage**

* * *

_Dr Cox once told me during one of his many rants that when ever he gets really annoyed, he flexes his hand and pretends its an warning light, telling people to rectify the situation before he looses control completely. Ever since then when ever the man gets angry and the vein starts popping out of his head, I can't help but imagine a red police siren appearing above him, blinking warningly to the poor person whose done something to piss him of. _

_Admittedly, nine times out of ten that person is usually me, but on the odd occasion when im not responsible for his anger I can still see that damm bell going of in my mind's eye. Its become like a sixth sensefor me and as I sit here talking with Dan to my son, I actually feel myself tense for a second as the hairs on my back stick up and that damm light starts flashing madly in the distance. _

_Despite my attention being purly on the small baby laying in front of me, I can not help but wonder just what was happening on the other side of town…_

* * *

**Thursday 27th march 12.05 Pm**

"_What the hell is going on here!" _

Doctor Cox's voice echoed throughout the whole hospital, with people in the adjoining rooms freezing at the sound of the attending's tenor. Even patients stiffened as they poked their heads round the curtains of their beds, anxious to see what events were about to unfold. News had travelled relatively quickly after Turks not so quiet screaming run down the corridor, to the extent that even the people who had only just been admitted knew the trouble which was about to be unleashed. You would be stretched to find even one person that had not heard the rumors, hadn't heard of doctor Kim Briggs' death or hadn't heard that a rather nervous mortician was in the firing line to take the blame that word had in fact gotten out.

Doug, who was still hiding behind the nurse's station, cringed as he heard the familiar sound of the man who still brought him nightmares fast approaching and pushed himself further into the worktop, hoping beyond anything else that the attending would notbecome aware of his presense (at least not until he had time to transfer).

"Doctor Cox!" Carla cried out as she swiveled around in her chair to face him, using the very wet tissue Turk had given her over an hour ago to wipe the tears and other body fluids from her face. "Did you get my page?" She asked almost optimistically, holding her hands up to just under her chin and rubbing her left hand over her right, nervously.

"Why yes Carla, I did…All thirteen of them in fact…Now would you care to explain to me, if it's not to much trouble, what on God's name is going on?!" The man growled in response somehow managing to keep his tone of voice chipper and sarcastic. The curly haired nurse' eyes, instantly found their way to the floor as she dropped her hands into her lap and stared at them intently.

"Well?" The man continued, tapping his nose and folding his arms across his chest, his foot drumming impatiently on the floor as he brought his shoulders higher than normal and stuck his head out slightly as he glared down at the nurse, her husband and a random employee he never bothered to learn the name of.

The random employee, gulped slightly and stuck her bottom lip out making it into a sort of S shape before doing what every good hospital worker does when they want to escape from an uncomfortable situation, faking a page and charging of down the corridor, determined that she would not be held even slightly responsible for the current situation.

"We… know." Turk replied lamely with a shrug as he put a comforting hand on his wife's shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly. Her breathing instantly got heavier while she tried to control the wet liquid seeping from her eyes, avoiding looking at the man she once tried to date completely.

"Why don't you help me out a little here Gandhi? " Dr Cox hissed as his eyes narrowed into slits. "I r**_h_**eally don't have, nor want, the time or the patients to play this little guessing game withyou, so why don't you save us all a lot of time and _grief _and try and be a little more specific?" He continued as he clenched his hands into fists and grinded his teeth together, causing the surgeon to glance down at the floor. _"What do you know?"_ he added his tone instantly becoming harder and more aggressive than before as the room fell into a complete silence, the whispers fading out till all you could hear were the sounds of machines and the occasional sob from the Latina woman.

Turk however, did not reply as he struggled to find the words, feeling just slightly intimidated by the stance of the man he was actually taller than. He'd always laughed at people who said they were scared of him but right now as he felt the icy cold glare begin directed upon him, he could perhaps understand why people reeled in fear when ever the forty something year old entered the room.

Well, most people anyway, JD seemed to be one of the only junior doctors who did not cower at his speeches anymore, not that he could understand why. The attending physician was scary, plain and simple and for perhaps the first time he was not going to deny it. What was worse was no one would ever call him on anything; he didn't even have to make threats for people to cower away from him in fear of their very lives…, which in a way was exactly what Turk was doing right now.

He tried, God he tried but he just could not form any words in response to Dr Cox's question.

As far as he was concerned, answering him, telling Dr Cox exactly what they all now knew, would also be admitting to the man he was now considering to be related to Hitler, that he had indeed failed his best friend. He had promised over ten years ago to always be there for JD but now even he could see that over the last few months they had grown apart, apparently to the extent that JD no longer felt he could turn to him for help.

His best friend could not talk to him, could not tell him that his girlfriend was dead and that made him feel worse than he ever had in his life. The amount of guilt, which washed over him, was unreal, the regret, remorse, the amount of emotions flowing though him was hard to stay in control over and what's more, he knew that what he was feeling was probably nothing in comparison to what JD was going though.

_JD…_

Who was forced to confide in the man who claimed to hate him the most, because his ssupposed best friends wouldn't give him the time of day and it sadly seemed Dr Cox had done a much better job then any of them ever could have.

"I'm sorry, does it look like I have all day, maybe I should rephrase? Oh and how about I say it at moron speed to? Would that help?" The attending barked, causing both of the Turks to wince slightly. "What. Do. You. **Think**. You. Know?" He repeated pausing in between each word in the hope it would somehow shrink in to their tiny brains.

"We know that… that Kim… Kim's… oh god… she's dead!" Carla cried out before Turk could even attempt to say anything as she wrapped her arms around her waist as if she was trying to shield herself from the older man. She had known him for so many years and had witnessed his temper on numerous occasions, it did not take a genius to realise the eruption which was soon to follow.

Dr Cox's face hardened as those words left her mouth, sure, he suspected as much, but that didn't make things any easier to accept. The messages he received, although rather cryptic weren't that hard to work out, especially after he walked though those hospital doors. Still hearing those words come from the horse's mouth; really hit home the situation that JD was undoubtedly going to find himself in very soon. If not dealing with the death of his girlfriend and illness of his baby was not enough, he would soon havethe remorseful trio on his tail along with the apologies of the rest of the infirmary. That together would send anyone over the edge, and the attending couldn't help but want to some how delay the inevitable, if not for JD then for his own piece of mind. There was only so much one person could endure before that downward spiral of emotions hit the ground with a bang and he sure as hell wasn't about to roll over and let that happen to the one person in the hospital that he considered even close to one day being his friend..

"And you know that how?" The man replied as he unfolded his arms and leant over the nurse's station causing a certain mortician to squeak and try to withdraw further into the unit. The older man's face tightened even more as bothCarla and Turk noticeably glanced under the desk before looking towards each other, both completely clueless as to what to say next. A part of them had instantly hoped that DR Cox would have denied the whole thing and the realisation that he wasn't laughing in their faces for believing the rumour mill spun madly in their heads.

They really had failed their best friend.

" Dou..Someone over heard you and Dan talking …" Carla replied with a shaky voice, only just stopping herself from revealing who it was who destroyed her image of a 'perfect life'. "That is why he's here isn't it? Be… because no one else is supporting JD and he needs help. … but we couldn't have…we didn't know… he didn't tell us… so how were we supposed to know …" Carla continued, her face desperate causing Dr Cox to frown, to himit was almost like she was pleading with _him_ to _reassure her_ that the situation couldn't have been different, that there wasn't anything she could have done to help.

_'Well'_ he thought _'she could beg all she wants, It's not going to happen.'_

"You were s_upposed _to know, because JD is _supposed _to be your best friend, hell you're husband's husband!" Dr Cox replied, shaking his head slightly as Carla opened her mouth to contradict him. "You were _supposed_ to have known because he's been acting like the worlds crashing at his feet for the last two weeks."

"But he didn't say…" Carla started, but was immediately cut of by Dr Cox as he raised his voice and clenched his fists on the worktop.

"He may n_h_ot have told you, but that fact he was JD one day and _me_ the next was supposed to tell you that something was wrong. How can you call him your friend when he was a complete personality change and all you do is shrug your shoulders and say _'oh well he may be having some sort of break down but I've got my own life now and I'm fed up of his problems, he can just deal with it on his own'_." Dr Cox snarled as he put on a really high pitch girly voice and pretended to flick his 'long' hair over his shoulder.

Turk had the decency to hang his head in shame at that, grasping the fact Dr Cox had clearly overheard their little discussion in the cafeteria a few weeks back. Carla however kept repetitively shaking her head in some sort of denial as she stood up and walked closer to the attending once again wiping the tears from her face, this time with her hands.

"No no… he wouldn't talk to us. He didn't even try!" Carla shouted out desperately, choosing to completely ignore the stares that were coming her way from everyone in the ward. "We asked him! Elliot and me asked him, we asked him what he had done, had he messed up with Kim? And he said yes! He said yes! How were we supposed to know she was dead when he told us he had just messed everything up!" She cried out almost hysterically banging her hands on the counter before waving them in the air.

"That's because if you took a few minutes to talk to him instead of making accusations then you would have realized that he thinks he did mess up Carla! He thinks that she's dead because of him, that he should have noticed something was wrong." Dr Cox growled as he smacked the counter with the side of his hand trying to get his point across, never had he felt so frustrated with a situation as he did right now.

"Well he's a doctor isn't he maybe he should have!" Carla shouted out before she could stop herself. As soon as she those words left her mouth she regretted them, she didn't mean them, not deep down. She was just angry, angry at JD for not saying anything, at herself for not noticing, just angry and she needed a release even if it was to blame the man who had lost the woman he loved. After all Kim was her friend too…

Dr Cox's face automatically went beetroot red, a vain appearing across his forehead, looking very much like it was about to explode. He actually could not believe what the nurse had just said, or insinuated for that matter. He would have erupted there and then had he not have remembered at the last minute they had an audience and he actually had to treat some of the people around them. Taking a few deep breathes, the man closed his eyes and tried to calm his temper before opening them again and glaring straight into Carla's.

"And Turk, Todd, Half of the surgeons worked with her everyday, are you going to blame them; after all they should havenoticed something to right…? It was a surgical matter that killed her… Weren't you having coffee with her the day before she died? Surely, there would have been some signs, as a nurse, head nurse to be accurate, your attention should havebeen drawn immediately to her paler than normal skin, or her slow breathing… or like everyone else did you put it down to pregnancy strain?" He snarled, shaking his head in disgust that she could even suggest the thirty year old was responsible for Kim's ultimate death.

"You can't blame it on Carla! It wasn't her fault; it wasn't any of our faults!" Turk jumped in as he rushed to his wife's side and put his arm around her shoulder, drawing her into him in a protective manner. "We weren't to know! We weren't to know she was sick, she never said anything about feeling ill, or faint or anything. Just like we weren't to know that she was dead! So stop it, you're upsetting my wife for god sake. JD never said anything, never even hinted towards Kim being… dead… so stop it! You can't blame us!"

The whispers on the ward started up again after Turk closed his mouth, everyone wanting to give their opinion on the matter. But Dr Cox didn't even bother to try and listen to what they were saying or even care for that matter. He barley heard a thing as he let out a sneer of complete disbelief before shaking his head and looking up at the ceiling, his eyes darkening to the point they were literally pitch black.

"Are you fucking kidding me…?"

His response was met by complete silence once again from the other occupants of the room as they turned their complete attention towards the attending, whose clenched fist was actually starting to shake.

"Here I am, thinking yes, finally your behaviour is starting to sink in, you've actually started to care, to realize what you have done, but you don't do you?" he snarled, his eyes glaring daggers at the people in front of him, who shared a confused look as he continued. " You actually don't think you've done anything wrong, I guess its my mistake I thought that look on your face was you feeling bad about how you treated Newbie, hell I mistook it for concern for _him. _However, its not is it? Its guilt, nothing more than guilt, you feel guilty that you _didn't care enough_ to ask JD what was wrong. That is what this is all about, what the tears are all about… You out did yourselves this time." He paused for a second as he took in their dumbfounded expressions turning into ones of even more guilt before shaking his head once more.

"I actually didn't think my opinion of you turtle head could get any lower, but well done..." he said whilst clapping his hands sarcastically. "you proved me wrong, you selfish, self centered, crappy excuses for human beings! You should be ashamed of yourselves… you know what? You're not even worth it."

With that he unclenched his fists turned his back and began walking away, still shaking his head in disbelief. As he reached the doors at the end of the corridor, to which Keith quickly jumped to the side and opened for him, he paused and turned back around to face the nurse's station.

"Oh and Doug, next time you decide to drop a body on top of yourself, listen in on a private conversation and then spread it around the hospital, you might want to pick a better hiding place…or at least keep that fat trap of yours shut."

With that he spun on his heel and charged bk out of the corridor, his lap coat flying outwards behind him, leaving a trail of pure silence in his wake.

**(a/n) well there you have it chapter 15 is finally done. Sorry for the massive delay!! Never meant to leave it this long before updating. For those of you who asked, I am going to finish this story… it make take longer than I thought but I do plan to finish it, it wont be left incomplete, I wouldn't do that. Thanks for all the wonderful reviews and if I leave it to long next time feel free to kick me up the butt and send a message saying hurry up, honesty didn't realize how long it had been. Thanks for reading and as always please review ****J**

**Oh and one last thing, someone motioned wanting to know how turk felt about the whole thing, seeing as I sort of skipped over the himfinding out with only a tiny flash back, well the middle of this chapter is for you!**


	16. Just something a little differnt

**Chapter 16: Just Something a little differnt**

* * *

About an hour after my unease regarding Doctor Cox, my phone started to bleep, at first it was just one or two messages, I didn't bother even looking who they were from. Then slowly it started going off more and more and by the time the nurse came back to check on Sam's vitals I had thirty two text messages and eleven missed calls.

Even Dan was starting to think the consistency of the alerts were getting quite strange, so eventually I relented, reached into my pocket and glanced at the screen- scrolling down, I was surprised to say the least to see a variety of names, the majority were from Turk and Carla, then there were a few from Doug, The Todd, a few nurses, someone I had one date with, gift shop girl- I could go on.

As I clicked to go further and further down the list, a feeling of complete dread washed over me, all these people worked at Sacred Heart and there was no logical reason my mind could come up with, for them all to be texting me like this, apart from them knowing the truth.

With shaky fingers I selected a random message and clicked enter, all sorts of things floating though my head as I waited for my phone to open it. I make that sound rather dramatic, it wasn't. It took half a second for the writing to appear on screen. To me however it felt like an eternity and even then I couldn't read the words properly. I had to literally force my eyes to focus and it took several attempts before I could read the whole thing and it wasn't very long.

_'I'm sorry for your loss, Kim will never be forgotten'_

My mind reeled at that and I bit down hard on my lip, trying to force the tears not to come. I just didn't understand!

How?

How was it they all knew?

Who told them?

For a brief second I contemplated it being DR Cox, but that thought left my mind as soon as it entered it. Even with my new cynical self, I knew he would never do that, if he was going to tell the whole hospital, he would have done it the moment he found out, not several days later. Besides it was hardly his style.

Yet that brought the question back, who knew? Who had figured it out and was cold hearted enough to treat it like it was nothing more than a good piece of gossip?

With nothing but pure dread, I clicked the back button and scrolled up to the next message.

_' I've just heard I'm sooo sorry JD *hugs*'_

And the next

_'Just heard, it's all over the hospital; if u need to talk I'm 'ere yea?'_

And the next

_'Oh honey I'm sorry about Kim! Dr Cox is on the war path about it x'_

And the next

'_Dude, she was hot!'_ I'll give you two guesses as to who that was from.

The more I read, the more the knot in my stomach grew and the tighter my chest seemed to become, it was getting increasingly harder to breath as the cool liquid I was trying to stop, started seeping from my eyes, down my cheeks before dripping onto my trousers.

Dan must have noticed as he quickly wrapped his arm around my shoulder and glanced down, reading the messages along with me. Then I got to Turk and Carla's, I just about managed to read two before my phone disappeared from my hand.

"What?" I mumbled confused as I stared at the place it had once been, before glancing towards my brother who was angrily staring at what was displayed on my cell, the one I hadn't quite managed to read before he took it away. I couldn't help but think the day I was a slower reader than Dan was the day I truly knew things were bad.

"What does it say Dan?" I found myself asking; confused as to what could have possible provoked this type of reaction from my brother. He was like me in a way I suppose, or at least how I was before 'the event' he didn't lose his temper very easy at all.

"Nothing." He replied simply, his tone quite deadpan.

He was obviously lying of that I was sure.

"Dan! What does it say?" I asked again a bit more force in my voice this time as I got to my feet as he stood up and made his way across the room. "Dan?"

But he wasn't listening to me, instead he perched himself on the window ledge, a lot like a bird about to take flight and continued to stare at the screen, from his hand movements I was pretty sure he was deleting some things as well, before moving onto the next one.

"Dan!" I said for perhaps the third or fourth time. "Don't start hiding things from me, tell me what's going on?"

I took a few steps towards him, and placed one of my hands on Sam's incubator, I did not want to step too far away from him, yet at the same time yearned to get closer to my brother.

Dan sighed as he looked up at me before placing my phone into his pocket and turning to stare out of the window, not that there was much to look at.

"Coxie's on his way over, he'll explain what's going on then, But JD, you have to promise me not to freak out. And yes I know you want to know what Turk and Carla have said, but believe me at the moment, until we know the full story I just think it might be better if you wait!"

Turning my own body away from Dan I nodded slowly, unsure whether he would actually see it or not, all the while not really caring either way. After a moment or two of pure silence, I once again heard my brother's voice.

"Johnny…" Dan said, his voice noticeably trailing off at the end, clearly not really having anything to say to me, I just shrugged before glancing in his direction as I heard his footsteps coming closer. "Listen to me little brother, I know what these text's look like, and yeah there's probably not another explanation but come on, its better its out in the open, at least this way you won't have to deal with telling people yourself."

"No!" I snapped, and to be quite honest I don't know why, I just felt really angry all over again and needed someone to take it out on, unfortunatly for Dan the nurse had already left the room and there was no one else around. "This way I get to return to work with people staring at me with nothing but pity, this way I get the carefully measured responses where everyone's already figured out what they have to say to me."

"And how is that a bad thing?"

I couldn't help it, as ridiculous as it sounds that made me blow.

"How? How is it a bad thing? I don't want people's pity; me and Sammy don't need people's pity! What we need is for people to care enough about us to begin with, to notice something was wrong! To notice that someone they apparently cared about, life is falling apart! We don't need people coming up with what they have to say to make things right because nothing is ever going to be alright again! Kim is dead! She's dead and no amount of' I'm sorry' or 'we loved her' is going to change that! It's not going to bring her back. Don't you understand I'd do anything, anything to bring her back! I'd give my own life to bring her back… but it won't work I know it won't work! And everyone jumping in with what they thought of Kim or how she's going to be missed won't make it alright again; it won't make the one thing I desire most in the world come true. If I could I would swap all of them for her!

Turk Carla, Elliot, if I've learnt one thing from these last few weeks is that Kim was 100 times more of a person than they are put together. She cared, she cared about everyone, she never got so wrapped up in her own life she didn't notice what was going on in front of her nose! If I had a choice right now I'd take all their 'kind words' and their entire 'sympathy' and hell id even take them and id swap them all for her!"

I stopped talking after that as Dan once again wrapped his arms around me, God I'm really starting to sound pathetic, and the sad part is I meant every word. I thought at first that I didn't want them to know; that they had too much going on in their lives it was better for me to keep it to myself.

Now?

Now, I still wish that they didn't know, but not for the same reason as before, I read two text messages from them and that was enough to know, the only thing my so called friends care about is themselves and neither Sammy or I need that type of person in our lives.

That may in itself sound selfish but I don't care, all I care about right now is my little baby and the type of world he's going to have to survive in. If he gets the chance to grow up, he's going to have the best people possible in his life if I can help it and right now I'm not sure that that includes my best friend, his wife and whoever the hell Elliot is to me these days.

When I finally calmed down I pulled away, only to realize that my brothers eyes were glued to the door behind me. Taking a deep breath out of fear of who I would see, I slowly turned my head to look in the opposite direction.

The man standing by the door smiled slightly and I gave him a small nod as he walked further into the room.

"Okay…" He said carefully as he grabbed a chair from across the room spun it around and took a seat in front of me and besides the incubator. "So here's the thing…."

**(a/n) shorter than normal but this way I can get the chapter up a lot quicker. Once again sorry for the delay! The update gaps are getting crazy. To be honest have a lot of inspiration for this story. Which is why I decided to do something a bit different this chapter, it wasn't meant to end up all in first person I just started writing and then it got a bit long to be just a JD voice over. Not sure if the next chapter will be like this or not, what do u guys think?**

**Oh and anyone got twitter and fancy a chat? or to bug me about updating this story katielowilliams if u do :)**

**thanks for everyone whose read and reviewed :D**


	17. Chances

_**Chapter 17- Chance**_

**_(a/n) Warning, may contain upsetting scenes, but give it a chance_**

_They say chances are something people give away freely, that it's human instinct to trust a person's word. When it comes to doctors, chances are something their very work is based around. What's the chance of a patient pulling though? What's the chance of a gunshot victim ever living to see the guy prosecuted? What's the chance of a little baby, whose life hasn't even started yet, getting to take his first step? _

_We live by statistics and when outcomes look bleak we fight tooth and nail to prove to the world that they are wrong, that as long as someone's heart is still beating they can defy the odds. Unfortunately even with the best care in the world, there are some things even Doctors can't change, some say a person's fate is written in stone and once death decides to come for them, there is nothing that can be done._

* * *

**Thursday 27th march 1.09pm**

"Okay…" The doctor said carefully as he grabbed a chair from across the room and spun it around so he could take a seat in front of JD and the incubator. "So here's the thing…."

He paused as he looked at the red rimmed eyes of John Dorian and his older brother; it had been just twelve days since he had first met the young man but it had felt like he had known him years. That was always his problem, getting too attached to the families of patients, learning their story, feeling their pain and he sure as hell felt the Dorians' pain.

There were times the older man hated his job and this was definitely one of them. This family had done nothing to deserve what they were going through, what they would inevitably be going through for a long time to come. If there was a God out there he had one twisted sense of humour that was for sure.

For someone so young to have to fight as hard as this little guy did, it just didn't seem right. To make matters worse, the baby wouldn't even get to lay eyes on his mother, fell her touch, her warmth. Sure he had his dad but it just wasn't the same, a baby needed both of its parents, never just one of them.

"Right well we got Sammy's test results back and I'm not sure which to tell you first." He continued, while sparing a glance at the little boy who weighed the same as a bag of sugar. "As you know his heart and lungs were not fully developed and there have been a lot of complications due to his early birth. Unfortunately having to undergo the type of surgery Sammy has, when his body is already so delicate, it's put a lot of strain on his organs and as a result his kidneys have been starting to shut down."

JD swallowed hard and nodded, his eyes not once leaving their position on his son's chest, watching it raise and fall. He felt his brothers' grip on his shoulders tighten and his nails begin to dig in to his skin, even though the layers of clothes.

_Life just wasn't fair_.

He was just numb all over, dreading what else he was about to hear, he wasn't strong enough for this; he couldn't handle loosing another person from his life. First Kim, then his friends, now his son? It was like he was living someone else's life, this wasn't how it was supposed to happen; this wasn't how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to be curled up with Kim in bed, reading little Sammy fairy tales while he was still safely inside his mummy, not sat in a hospital room without her just waiting for the news he knew was coming.

"Tests have also shown very little stimulation from Sammy's lower legs, from the knees down, he can't feel a thing and it's looking doubtful this situation is going to change. If it were it would have happened by now."

Again, JD nodded and allowed a single tear to run down his face. It was inevitable really, if it was one of his patients, he just knew what the next words from that man's mouth would be. Still he couldn't help the hate which was bubbling inside of him; their job was to cure the sick, to make them better! How could anyone claim to be a doctor who couldn't even save a new born baby's life. Sammy was supposed to have the world at his feet, all the experiences of life ahead of him, learning to walk and talk, using his imagination to create games and make friends, go to school and college, to experiment with coffee and girls. He had everything to live for, yet he'd never get a chance to do any of it.

"Great doc, you wanna tell us anything we don't already know" JD heard someone snipe from behind him.

He couldn't blame him. That had always been Dan's go-to-thing, a way to protect him self from things he didn't want to hear. Under normal circumstances he would have berated his brother, but there was nothing normal about this.

"When this whole thing began, we warned you about how Sammy would cope, that there was a very small chance anything could really work. He's a fighter, he's got a proper little spirit about him and he's done everything he can to keep himself going for his Daddy as we fought to make him better." Again the Doctor hesitated and turned to look at the little boys stats, listening to the steady beating of the heart monitor. "But unfortunately there comes a time where medical intervention has to take a step back."

At that point a nurse walked into a room, a trolley beside her, ready to collect the equipment. She gave a soft smile to the family and nodded towards the doctor, indicating everything was ready.

* * *

_They say that when the time comes people always know. That there is always some sort of unspoken agreement, that there really is no light at the end of the tunnel. Even if the parents deny it, refuse to let the situation sink in, deep down they know. They protest on the outside as much as possible, fighting back the truth which is circling around them._

_A child's life is precious and one that needs to be fought for every step of the way. Part of a parent's job is to fight their corner and to be there for them no matter what. But when there really are no other options, sometimes the best thing anyone can do is to stop the pain, to be there and tell them everything will be alright as the life fades from their eyes._

_Sometimes the kindest and hardest thing to do for them is to let them slip away peacefully._

* * *

"This is why, as a team and after taking Sammy's progress into account we have decided, its time."

Once again JD could only nod, not trusting his voice to make a sound. This couldn't be happening, it just couldn't be.

"It's time we take him of the ventilator. After today and given his current stats, We think he may just be strong enough to breathe on his own."

* * *

_This was not one of those times._

* * *

"Sorry?"

"Doctor says what now?"

Both JD and Dan replied at the same time, exchanging a look of disbelief as they stared at the man in front of them, who had a small smile on his face, his head tilted slightly as he judged their reactions.

"I said, hes strong enough to try breathing on his own. he's not out the wood yet, not by a long shot but he is getting there... slowly. With your permission, we'd like to take the tube out and we'll see about getting him into your arms. I think its time someone held their son."

**(a/n) *hides behind a rock and slowly peeks out* Hiya anyone remember me, its been an age since I updated this so I'm not sure if anyone's really interested in me continuing... but here's the next part anyway. I'm going to make it my mission to finish this this summer and will try super hard to actually keep to this- college work has settled down now so I'll try my best!**

**Thank you to anyone who really is still reading this! And I hope this chapter was okay, wasn't sure where to go with it, still not, I cant even remember what I originally planned when I started this 2 years ago so will just wing it and hopefully it work out okay! If not you can all yell at me.**


	18. Its a job

_**Chapter 18 – It's a job**_

_When you are constantly living in a cloud of uncertainty, the slightest hint of a positive movement can have you leaping in the air. It was a small step, a very small step, but Sammy being given the chance to breathe by himself, it felt like a mile stone that would never be reached. The hours that followed that moment became nothing but a blur as we watched the machine being switched off, the tube being removed, then his little chest starting to work so hard all by itself. _

_The word miracle' is a funny one really, it can mean so many things to so many different people, it can be a miracle that someone remembered to get the bread from the store, a miracle that someone learns to walk again after an accident or even a miracle that someone sticks up for someone they usually torment. There are many definitions of the word, in some cultures it's an act from god, in others something which is beyond natural powers. In the end though no matter what the situation, it all comes back to one thing, what was seen as impossible just hours ago suddenly becoming reality._

* * *

Elliot Reid had always considered herself to be an observant person. When her mother had started spending more time in the pool house with the gardener, she noticed. When her brother had started sneaking out of the house with men, in the middle of the night, she noticed that too. So when half the hospital suddenly started whispering to each other, and stop talking when she walked passed and generally looking like their pet dog had eaten them alive in the night, you can bet she noticed that as well.

Yes, she was always an observant person; in fact it was one of the reasons she had become a doctor in the first place. The ability to pick up on the little things is something she prided herself on, not many people had the skills to do that. The only problem was her head was in the clouds so often that she frequently failed to realize the importance of these little observations. Like the fact her mother was actually having an affair, or that her brother was in a relationship with these men. Or in this case, that people weren't talking about her and her boyfriend's latest drama, but the fact her best friend was going through the worst time of his life. Being observant is one thing but when your mind can't quite connect the dots the dexterity is pretty much useless, especially when you don't stop for a second to think and ask what on earth is going on.

So when she heard the whispers from her coworkers about the 'almost married doctor' and how they felt so sorry for him and saw how they all went silent when she walked into the room, her mind soared to only one possible answer- they were talking about her and Keith.

By the time five o clock that afternoon came around the young doctor was officially fed up, all she was trying to do was treat her patients, fill in her paper work and maybe get in a quickie with her boyfriend, but it seemed everywhere she went she had judgmental eyes on her. In the ladies room she had two nurses watching her every move, on the ward she had a porter actually walk in, see her and walk straight back out again and even Doug seemed to be massively avoiding her. She had gone to ask him about moving one of her dead guys down to the morgue and he had practically jumped out of his skin, charged across to the nurses' station and hid beneath the desk, and if she wasn't mistaken, he had remained there for the rest of his day.

It had been a very strange tiring shift to say the least, especially when you added all the crying and depressed faces into the mix.

'_Not the best atmosphere in the world to surround a hospital with_'. Elliot thought to herself as she walked down the ward she had now renamed the 'dark cloud block'. It was almost like the place actually smelled of death and despair. She couldn't even begin to imagine what was probably going through the patients' heads right now , the reactions of the ones getting set up for an operation by professionals with tears running down their faces, hardly the confidence boost they'd need before being knocked out.

Shaking her own head as yet another surgeon ran past her sobbing, Elliot bit back the desire to shout out 'who died?' and made her way into her office to grab her coat. Almost mindlessly she threw it on over her scrubs not having the energy to get changed or even face the locker room and headed out the door; she couldn't wait to get as far away from the hospital as possible. She needed one hell of a glass of wine and batch of fresh cookies to make up for the day she had had. Who did those people even think they were to stand there judging her relationship? It wasn't anyone else's business, sure she had dumped him a few times but that was just part of their little game, to keep thinks fresh and interesting. Not that anyone in the hospital even remotely needed to know that.

She was just sick of the looks she was getting; they all just reeked of judgment and they were all from people who were in no position to look down their noses at her. At least she was making something of her life, moving up in the world, whereas they had probably been doing the same job every day for the past god only knows how long.

"You're in a hurry, of to see JD?" She heard someone bark out as she made her way down the ramp to the outside world. Pausing Elliot glanced to her left to see the janitor leaning against the wall, a mop in one hand, a newspaper in the other.

"What are you up to now?" She replied, looking at the items he was holding in confusion, ignoring his question completely.

"What a guy can't stand with a mop, outside a building and not get accusations thrown at him?" He resorted with a shrug, a sly smile on his face as he folded the paper in half and dumped it on the floor.

"Not when the mop is attached to a large piece of string no..." She said while glancing upwards, following the offending materials with her eyes to try and work out what in god's name the man was up to this time. "Shouldn't you be working?"

"I am working, my Job is a very important one and this needs to be done."

"Where exactly does that string go?" She asked, as her attempt to follow it came to a dead end at the window above them. The janitor just smirked in response and looked at her with a knowing expression, one that made the thirty year old feel rather uneasy. "Whatever, after the day I've had I don't even care, just don't kill anybody." With that she turned to leave again, but not before noticing the man, whose name no one knew, lift the mop up into the air ever so slightly, the expression on his face darkening as he pulled it back down to the ground.

Before she even had the chance to turn back around and question it she felt her feet disappearing from under her and she went flying forwards, did a flip over the barrier and ended up in a pile of dirt and leaves on the other side.

"WHAT THE HELL!" She screamed out blowing her hair out of her face and attempting to stand back up, before screaming as a bucket of very cold icy water came flying down from above her, succeeding in drenching the woman from head to toe.

"What do you know it did work…" The janitor whispered as he bent back down to retrieve his newspaper and pull the string that now lay loosely on the floor back in towards him. "Bright side you're not dead and I'm sure your day is going a lot better than some peoples."Elliot didn't respond as she turned to look up at him from her position on the ground, a look of pure venom on her face. "You know what I don't like about doctors like you? You all get on your high horse about everything, presume everything is about you when it's really not and don't take even a second to think about what's going on with the people around you… Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a bad guy and usually I leave girls alone, teaching them a lesson in manners is really not my thing, but for today only I'm making an acceptation to that rule."

Walking closer to the path where Elliot now lay, he smiled once again and leaned onto the metal posts of the barriers. Some things needed to be done and this was one of them, he didn't want to appear sexist after all. When people were in the wrong, they needed to be corrected; he wouldn't be very good at his job if he didn't put people of all genders into their place when they needed to be.

"What are you even talking about? And don't even think you're getting away with this! You're so getting my dry cleaning bill you frickedy frick head! Just wait until I tell Keith!" She shouted out, her voice going more and more high pitched as she tried to brush of the majority of the mess from her clothes, before slipping over on a wet patch of mud as she tried again to stand and going flying back into the soil once more, a deep frown plastered on her face.

"People are selfish, selfish people need to be taught life doesn't revolve around them." He replied simply before standing up straight once again and walking back towards the hospitals entrance, ticking of Elliot's name on his mental check list as he did. "Oh and just because clearly you need it spelling out to you… The whole hospital isn't talking about you and your dim witted fella, in fact guvnor; I'm interested to know how you think they are and why they'd all be crying like guilty puppies if they were?"

"Stop talking in riddles!"She spat out, in no mood for his little games.

"Fine… Kim's dead… Has been for two weeks now… people just found out… Simple enough for you?"

With that he disappeared though the doorway leaving a stunned Elliot in his wake. People called him heartless but sometimes when their own stubbornness got in the way, being heartless was the only way to get though to people. Sacred Heart meant a lot to him and the patient's inside deserved the best, a doctor too wrapped up in herself to notice something as big as the death of a surgeon , was not the best, therefore it needed rectifying. It was his business to correct these situations before they got out of control and that was exactly what he was going to do.

Because seriously, did anyone honestly believe a janitor as bad at his 'job' as he was would have been kept on for so long, allowed to leave sick on the floor and sleep though his shifts?

At a hospital of all places?

Of course the people who worked there were far too draped up in their own lives and own careers to ever really think that one through, which was rather lucky for him.

"_One down two to go."_

**_(a/n) Two updates in 2 weeks, on a role here! Thanks to everyone whose reading and reviewing! So happy people still like this story and are staying with it after all this time._**


	19. Tough

**Chapter 19 – Tough **

_When the Doctors told me I could hold my son, the range of emotions that shot through me were unreal but, nothing could have prepared me for the insane rush of love I felt as I clutched his little body so gently to my arms. I could feel his chest raising and falling, the softness of his skin, the sweet baby smell that suppressed even the strongest hospital odor. _

_For the first time in nearing 2 weeks, I was crying out of happiness. They say nothing can beat the strength of a child. That no one quite realizes how tough a newborn can be, how hard they can fight until you see one who entered the world far too soon. As I stroked his little hand, his whole fist clenched around my finger and, just like the last time, when I had to decide whether to send him for surgery or not, the pure power of it left me speechless. Even if I had wanted to, I don't think I could have pulled it away; it was like he was born with an iron hand. _

_That tiny movement was all I needed for me to realize how incredible Sammy was and as I stared into his beautiful ocean colored eyes his message was crystal clear._

"_Don't you dare give up on me Daddy, I'm a fighter and I'll be out of here sooner or later just you watch!"_

_And for the first time since this nightmare began, I actually started to believe it._

**Friday 28****th**** March, 2.55pm**

Since being told he could finally hold him, JD had barely put the baby down, except when the doctors ordered him that they both needed some rest. Sammy just seemed so much better when he was held by someone, like he was yearning for the contact he had missed out on in his short life.

Watching the scene in front of him, Dr Cox couldn't help but smile as he slowly entered the room, his hand clasped loosely in that of a short brunette.

"How's he doing JD?"

Hearing the tell tale signs of a woman's high heeled shoes hitting the ground, JD turned his head to face the new comers, confusion written all over his features. He half expected to look down and see Doctor Cox's big, hairy, manly feet, squeezed into a pair of sparkling pink size sevens, followed by an admission from the man himself that he had taken up tap dancing. Instead, he came face to face with Jordan and gave her a soft smile as she appeared in his eyesight.

"Better, he's been breathing on his own with no real problems for twenty-five hours now" He replied before his attention diverted straight back to his son. "Every time I pick him up he grips onto my shirt, I think he's trying to tell me he's gunna be alright."

Walking closer to the duo the older man indeed saw what his protégé was describing, Sammy's tiny hand had hold of a massive chuck of material, clenched so tightly you couldn't help but wonder how it wasn't aching.

"That's great news! He's a proper little fighter ey? Gunna be as much trouble as your dad when you grow up aren't you kid?" Dr Cox said with a laugh as he glanced down at the baby.

"Jeepers Perry get your head away from him, it's enough to scar a new born for life" Jordan interrupted, pulling her 'sort of' husband back from the duo a little as she reached into her bag and pulled out a little blue and white bear. "It's depressing enough being stuck in here you could at least get the kid a toy" She continued as she placed it on top of the incubator and shuffled away uncomfortably.

"Thanks Jordan. He'll keep that forever"

The woman could only nod slightly in approval before she took a step further away and went to stand nearer to the window. God she hated these kinds of situations at the best of times, it was so much easier when she could just be mean to everyone. Now she had her own children, things were so different and this having to be sensitive to others stuff was making her skin itch.

"... so has anyone else been by to see you?" Dr Cox asked, clearly wondering if the infamous trio had reared their heads since the painful discovery yesterday. He had to admit though at one stage he had felt a little sorry for blondie after hearing what the Janitor had done to her. However that hadn't stopped him crying with laughter so hard his stomach hurt when she had marched away from the place, covered head to toe in mud, leaving a distinctive smell of rotten … materials that her new car was covered in. It had been a good day really, if you took away the fact that half the hospital had found out Kim was dead.

"No, Carla has called a couple of times but I turned my phone off, I don't want to talk to them, let alone see them. All that matters right now is Sammy; I can't deal with their guilt on top of this."

The two other occupants of the room nodded in understanding before something suddenly hit the older doctor like a ton of bricks.

"Wait where's your brother? Don't tell me he bailed?" He asked, a strange sense of rage filling his insides from his stomach up.

"Dan? He went off a little while ago, something about helping to 'bring down the egos' I don't know, he got some sort of phone call, started chuckling and bolted, promising to 'get pictures'" JD replied with a shrug as he rubbed at his tired eyes. To be honest the expression on his brother's face had scared him slightly, he only ever got it when he was drunk and about to cause a whole lot of trouble.

"Pictures of what exactly?" Jordan piped up, her interest in the conversation being renewed.

"Not a clue, he wouldn't say,"

Dr Cox instantly glanced over to his partner, who in turn raised her eyebrows and smirked, both of them within seconds reaching the same conclusion.

"You know what Perry I'm just going to take your keys and head back over to sacred heart. This could be fun to watch." Before either of the men in the room could question what was happening, the woman strode past them, grabbed Dr Cox's jacket from his arm and headed out of the door, a gleeful expression on her face.

Oh this was gunna be good all right.

_As Jordan left, I couldn't help but look up at my mentor questionably, clearly out of the loop on something. The older man simply smirked at me and pulled up a chair before beginning a tale of what was happening over at sacred heart. _

_I can honestly say I did not really care for this information. Those people, my so-called colleagues, were the last things on my mind and the fact they now knew about the situation didn't change my feelings towards them in the slightest. When I needed them the most they were not there, they couldn't even their heads out of their own arse's long enough to realize something was wrong and for that I couldn't forgive them. _

_I just couldn't _

_If Sammy was to pull though this, he needed people in his life that would always be there for him and if the last 13 days had taught me anything, the people that I used to love from that hospital, were not what was best for my son._

Carla knew something was up the moment she went in for her shift that day. She had tried calling JD over and over again throughout the night but he wasn't picking up. She supposed he was staying with his son and had his cell phone of or something. She had tried numerous people to try and find out which hospital the little baby was admitted to but so far she wasn't having any luck. Turk had even tried Dr Cox earlier… That had not ended well.

She had always witnessed the older man's temper from the outside, it was bizarre and a little scary even she had to admit to be at the centre of it. Not that she could blame him, she was supposed to be JD's friend, they all were, how on earth had they managed to mess up that badly? Hell Kim was supposed to be her friend, her heavily pregnant friend, which begs the question on why she hadn't thought to call her to see how she was at all over the past couple of weeks. Okay so she wouldn't have answered being dead and all, but still at least then she would have known that something was wrong.

JD's behavior recently had shown that much, but she wrote him off, thought he was just screwing up again. She couldn't wrap her head around how she, Turk and Elliot had failed so drastically. Surely one of them should have known instantly that something was terribly, terribly wrong with the thirty year old father to be. Yet none of them had even given him a chance. The guilt was actually eating away at her from the inside. In fact, as she dropped Isabella of at the day care, she could have sworn the nursery workers were also glaring daggers at her, and none of them even knew JD.

Walking into the ward, hand in hand with her husband, the two of them made their way over to the first patient of the day, Mr Kevin Grimes, a 21 year old who Turk was operating on in just a few hours time.

"Yo KevKev! What's happening, I hope u had a comfortable night! Just as soon as I check everything's ready we'll be taking you down to theatre." Turk immediately spoke as they got to his bed, picking up his chart to check everything was in order and there had been no problems though the night.

"Actually, I've requested the Todd over there perform the surgery." The man replied with a shrug, indicating with his thumb to the surgeon currently staring at one of the nurses bending over.

"What why? Have I done something to offend you?" Turk stuttered slightly as he placed the chart back down and stared at the man in confusion, remembering how when he was first admitted, he had expressed his dislike for the innuendo king.

"I'd just rather have someone a bit more focused."

"Focused? Todd? Are we looking at the same person?" Carla butted in as she glanced from her husband, to Todd and back to the patient. Kevin again just shrugged before turning to his nightstand and retrieving a magazine, his attention diverting to the pages within seconds, signaling the conversation was in fact over.

Walking away in utter confusion the two Turks soon went their separate ways and carried on with their morning jobs, both ignoring a smirking Janitor as they went passed the nurses' station, a funny feeling settling in their stomachs that it was going to be one very long day.

By three o'clock that afternoon, both Turk and Carla sat spinning around on chairs on one of the side wards, at a complete loss on what to do. Turk's four other surgeries had been switched to someone else, the follow ups he had to do, had all requested a different Doctor and none of the other surgeons were currently acknowledging his existence. When he had gone to talk to his superior about what the hell was going on, the only answer he received was that patients had the right to refuse treatment from anybody if they wished.

Carla, had pretty much the same thing happen to her, when she talked to her nurses, none of them responded, when she tried to talk to the interns about procedures, they ignored her and when she tried to help any of the people who had been admitted over the past few days, they all blanked her or asked for someone else. While the day started with the new patients being as friendly and co operative as they usually were, as time went on they too began asking for someone else to treat them.

This left both the nurse and the surgeon without anything to actually do. To make things even weirder, Jordan had showed up not too long ago and had sat herself down on one of the worktops, rubbing her hands together in glee as she just observed the scenes in front of her.

"Okay this is getting ridiculous, I get it okay, I get it! We are horrible people and we should have known something was wrong with JD, but we're not the only ones at fault here, every single person saw him at some stage or another, did any of you think to ask what was going on with him? The answer is no, you didn't, so you can sit here and judge us all you like but this is a hospital! These people are sick and they need help! Telling them to reject our service isn't helping anyone!" Carla eventually snapped as she got to her feet after someone walked into the back of her chair and shoved her out of the way. "We're all adults here, can we start acting like it!"

The people in the area all turned to face her, silence falling as they just stared at the Dominican woman, not a single one of the patients, doctors or nurses making a sound. Eventually the janitor stepped forward and the entire ward's attention turned to him.

"Okay then." He said simply, causing Carla to crease her brow and stare at him in confusion.

"What?"

"As you said, this is a hospital and I think we have all proven our point, and you have admitted to being horrible so you're right." He replied, his face void of any emotion. "Right people, they've learnt their lesson, thank you for co-operating as you were!" He said a little louder, addressing the rest of the ward. As if by magic people started talking again, professionals started working and the place turned back to its usual busy self. Carla turned to look at the janitor skeptically, not quite believing he had somehow managed to arrange this whole thing and then stop it with a click of his finger.

"That's it?" She asked carefully, eyeing him suspiciously.

"That's it; if you're sure you got the point?"

"We have!" Turk said immediately, standing up and appearing by his wife's side. Determined to end whatever game the janitor was playing. "We were awful to JD so we deserved to know what it's like to be alienated from everyone, just like we did to him, it didn't feel nice and we need to work on being better people, we can see that now." Carla nodded in agreement and reached over to take her husband's hand, showing the people still paying them attention that they were a unit.

"Good. Glad to hear it…" The janitor replied as he picked up his mop from the trolley and began to wipe the floor, "Now don't you have patients to treat?" With a nod, both Turk and Carla walked passed him, a small smile on their faces as they returned to their previous patients and picked up where they left off hours ago.

With their backs turned to him, neither of them noticed the Janitors face increasingly darken as he shook his head and placed his mop back in its bucket, his arms carefully folded across his chest as he leant back against the wall and studied them.

"There in for it now aren't they?" Jordan spoke out, her words almost dancing in the air as she adjusted her position on the counter, giving a smile to Turk as he glanced back round to face her.

"In for it doesn't even begin to cover it ma'am" He replied with a shake of his head, as he watched the golden couple get back into the swing of things, their attention immediately back on the job. Taking a deep breath he stood back up, clapped his hands together and gave a short whistle. "Brain trust… Dan, with me! Phase two has begun."

Out of nowhere, Doug and the other members of his little gang appeared and they all turned and headed to the staircase, the smallest member of the group giving a pitiful look towards the duo, they weren't going to know what hit them.

Jordan's smile could not have increased any more if she tried, for a second she remained in the same position, watching in a way only she could, noticing the non critical patient's expressions hardening one by one as Turk and Carla turned away from them.

_Oh this was gunna be good alright. _

With that thought hanging in the air, the mother of two hopped down off of the counter and followed the others out of the room; this was defiantly something she wanted to be involved with.

**(A/N) Still here and still writing :O Actually surprised myself with this fact lol, writers block officially over! Already starting to plot how to end this, but not sure whether to have JD move on from his friends, forgive them but still have some hostility there for a while, or end with a everyones happy and BFFs again. Thoughts on this would be highly welcome!**

** Thanks so much to everyone for reading and the lovely reviews, definitely good for the motivation. Hope you all liked the chapter! I'd write a personal message to the people who reviewed but my accounts playing up for some reason and won't let me send them! But thank you so much for all the comments, i love reading them and really appricaite all the feedback.**


	20. An act of evil

**Chapter 20 – An act of evil**

_Revenge is a tricky thing, there is a very fine line between someone getting what's coming to them and going just that step too far. The problem is people often don't stop and think about this, they act on their feelings and don't pay attention to what their brain may be telling them. They say karma always gets you in the end, I for one believe this, but when karma is pushed in someone's direction, forced upon them when does it become just an act of evil? They say an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, but when someone has caused major suffering in their friend do they truly de__serve to go though the same thing? Being flug mud at, having people ignore your very existence is one thing but __what my friends had planned for Carla and Turk was another entirely._

_I'd like to think, had I known what they were planning on doing, I would have said something, been the bigger person, though truth be told I couldn't be sure of this. As much as I don't condone what they did a small part of me couldn't help but enjoy their suffering. _

**Friday 28****th**** March 4.15pm**

"I really don't like this" Jordon said as she adjusted her position in one of the seats at the back of the hospital coffee shop. The five males just ignored her as they pushed their own chairs away from them and came to a stand.

"This is a brain trust decision and we're sticking to it" The janitor replied before he crushed an empty cup of coffee in his hand and threw it across the room into the nearest trashcan. "Not bad" he continued with a smirk as he watched the piece of cardboard fall into the bin with ease, he was getting rather good at doing that, if he did say so himself.

"Fine, but at least let me be the one to take care of her? The moron over there will probably leave her in a parking lot." She responded with a glare in Doug's direction, who immediately looked rather insulted.

"I so would not!" The mortician replied as he folded his arms across his chest and glared at her. The other occupants of the group could do nothing but raise their eyebrows at him each of them thinking back to how this whole mess started in the first place. Or at least on how everyone came to know about Kim's fate anyway.

"Really? So where's your last dead guy right now?" Jordan snapped back at him, meeting his glare head on, causing Doug to lose his nerve and glance down to the floor. Truth be told they all knew he didn't have a clue. With a wave of her hand and a raise of her own eyebrows, she pushed her hair away from her face and turned back to the man in a jumpsuit. "My point!"

"Fair enough, meet Claudia on the roof in twenty minutes"

With a nod, Jordon got to her own feet and left the room, ignoring the strange looks she received from the people working there in the process. This whole situation must have been rather weird from their point of view. The woman who barely spent time talking to anyone unless she had to, appearing to be helping some of the lowest ranking members of the hospital, they must have felt like they had just entered the twilight zone. As she disappeared from view the last thing anyone saw of the woman for hours, was her flipping her phone out and dialing a number.

As soon as Jordon had left, the janitor turned back to his followers and gave them a quick nod, before one by one they walked of in opposite directions, each ones task firmly on their mind. When there was just him and Dan remaining, he put his hand on the younger man's shoulders and looked him square in the eyes.

"Sure you want to do this?" He asked, his voice ever so slightly softer than the authoritive one everyone was used to him talking in. Dan looked away for a few seconds, as if contemplating if it really was something he could go through with, he was the drunk who still lived in his mother's house, who found it hard to be there for his brother of all people at the best for times, let alone get into a confrontation like this.

"For Johnny I'd do anything!"

_It's strange the loyalty that can appear in the most unlikely people, if someone had told me a month ago, the janitor would be fighting my corner against the ones I used to love I would have laughed in their faces, let alone Doug standing up for what's right and Jordon being the voice of reason. When you added the drug addict porter and dwarf to the mix things just got a little weird. Still even if later I discovered I didn't agree with what they had done, I couldn't help the warm feeling that appeared inside of me as Dr Cox retold the story Jordon was at the time feeding to him._

"Come on Kevin, I thought we were over this?" Turk moaned as he threw his head back a little and shook it in defeat. Despite the Janitor calling of his attack dogs a few hours earlier, Kevin was once again being difficult, along with a few other patients on the ward who had decided to ignore the new memo.

"I have the right to choose who treats me." He replied with a grunt as he talked though the surgeon rather than at him.

"The theater slot can only be held for a few moments longer and no one else is available!" The man in green continued as he leant on to the desk at the end of the patient's bed and slammed the chart down, his stress levels rising by the minute.

"It's not an emergency, or life threatening so you can not force me to take it. I'd rather draw a rake than have a rotten individual like you touch me." The patient continued, and as if to prove a point, grabbed a pen from his bedside table and started doodling a man and a rake on it.

Taking a very deep breath and struggling to clench his hands in mid air, Turk swallowed the desire to strangle the man and simply walked away. Entwining his fingers and raising and lowering them over his chest, he tried to calm himself down as he once again collapsed onto the nurse station and groaned. This had to be the toughest shift he had ever had the misfortune of working though.

"Don't let him get to you baby" Carla said sympathetically as she headed towards him, fully intending to give him a bit of a shoulder massage to relieve the tension. This didn't happen however as one of the nurses took this opportunity to stick her leg out and cause the un expecting Dominican woman to go flying forward and crash into the work top.

"BABY!" Turk instantly cried out as he rushed around to the over side of counter and helped his wife up. "Are you okay?"

The nurse could do nothing but shake her head and groan. She felt like the wind had been knocked out of her as she grasped at both her aching stomach and the forming lump below her hairline.

"Oh that's it, come on let's get Izzy and go home! I have had enough of this! You should all be ashamed of yourselves!" Turk shouted out, gradually getting louder as he pulled Carla towards him and used his strength to support her entire weight on one side of his body. "Should never have trusted the fricken Janitor to keep his word." He mumbled as he pushed open the doors at the end of the ward and half stormed, half carried his other half though them.

Sure he could understand them all being angry with them, but it is not as if no one had ever made mistakes before and it certainly didn't give them the right to do this. It was ridiculous; they were in a hospital for Christ sake, a place that was supposed to not judge others, just concentrate on healing them, but no everyone had suddenly decided to take the moral high ground despite not actually doing anything to help JD themselves.

As they reached the staircase, and Doug appeared leaning against the window, cell phone in hand, Turk just glared at him and dared the man to say a word to them. He seemed to take the hint and looked down at the floor, avoiding any sort of eye contact as they shot passed like a hurricane. Had they been paying the mortician any kind of attention, they may have noticed how his eyes followed them and as they reached the doorway to the second story corridor, him grin slightly and hit the 'send' button on the top of his phone.

"And it begins"

_Once a chain of events has started, its pretty hard to stop and they can often escalate to beyond your control. What was supposed to be a simply way to get your message across, to show someone what someone else was going though, can suddenly become something so much worse, with no real way to stop it. When that happens there is nothing you can do but let the situation reach its own end and whether your original goal is completed or not, all comes down to fate._

As soon as the duo reached the day care room, they both came to a halt at the door and looked in at the scene in front of them in confusion. Inside the brightly colored, toy filled room was two police officers. Instead of toys and laughing children filling the place up, it looked practically empty, with all the little ones sitting in a corner of the room, being sang songs too as two desperate looking child care professionals talked to the men in uniform.

It took Turk and Carla less than thirty seconds to reach the same conclusion and as they glanced towards each other in horror, their blood ran cold. Bursting though the doors, the Husband and wife desperately searched the room with their eyes and when they could not locate what they were looking for, they could do nothing but slowly turn to face the people they had previously been watching.

Clearing her throat one of the day care workers, the one who had been glaring at Carla when she had dropped Izzy of, took a nervous step towards them. "Mr and Mrs. Turk" She said softly, biting at her bottom lip and looking towards her own colleague for help, having not a clue what to say to them as she fiddled with the ends of her strawberry blonde hair.

"Where is my daughter?" Carla spoke carefully as her breathing got faster and faster, her eyes not settling for a second as she desperately tried to locate her and put this down to one very bad dream.

"We're not sure" One of the police officers said as he too took a step towards the couple and indicated with his head for the other girl to back of a little.

"What do mean your not sure?" Turk replied his grip on Carla's shoulders tightening as he too looked around the room, dread filling his stomach as he realized she really wasn't there.

"We've checked CCTV footage, and it appears a man in a hoodie took her not so long ago while she was sleeping. There was a bit of a disturbance involving two porters fighting outside and it seems someone took advantage of the situation." The African man continued as he looked at the shell-shocked parents regrettably. "We are doing everything we can to find her, I promise you that, we've got people all over the exits, he can not leave this hospital."

"Someone's taken my baby?" Carla whispered, her whole body shaking as she looked up towards her husband "SOMEONE'S TAKEN MY BABY?" With those words ringing round the room, the nurse clutched at her chest, the pain everywhere else forgotten as her legs gave way from under her and she let out an ear piercing scream, before everything around her went black.

(A/n) I'll give a cookie to anyone who can guess whats happened ;) Though it might not be as straight forward as you think.


	21. Nightmares

**Chapter 21- Nightmare**

_A parent's worst nightmare is losing their child; Even the possibility of it happening darkens your very soul. The crippling fear which fills you, is like nothing you could imagine unless you have been through it yourself, you can witness it and get an idea of the feelings flowing through others, but you can never truly know what it is like._

_Not deep down._

_When you feel that gut retching pain, you never want to imagine another person going through the same thing. It's something you don't even wish on your worst enemy. Even your subconscious, no matter how much you hate a person; will not allow you to go there. _

_News of Izzy's disappearance reached Dr. Cox pretty quickly and me not too long after that. It's a weird feeling, knowing someone is going though the possibility of losing their child, especially when you have gone through it yourself. Still as much as I wanted to get up, go over to sacred heart and tear the place apart looking for that little girl, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not when it meant leaving Sammy without either of his parents by his side. _

_I loved Izzy but my son came first, Turk and Dr Cox were right, having a child changes everything about you and while I would have dropped anything for my best friends in the past, that just wasn't the case anymore._

_They weren't there for me and I just couldn't bring myself to be there for them._

**Friday 28****th**** March, 6.32 pm**

It had been nearly two hours since the Turks found out their daughter had vanished and after coming round, Carla had spent the entire time sat in a chair, rocking back and forth in hysterics, nothing could calm her down. One of the nurses had brought her some tea, saying something about sugar levels but everything was just a blur to her, she couldn't see anything but colors and swirls, couldn't feel anything but pure terror and couldn't hear anything but her own screams. Her poor baby would be so scared and hungry right now and the thought of this man possibly hurting her little girl was actually paralyzing her. No one could be that cruel, that's what they kept telling her, but how could she believe it when they were cruel enough to take her baby in the first place.

She hadn't seen Turk since she was ushered upstairs, he had ran off lost in a blaze of fury, determined to search every square inch of the hospital until he found his little African princess. So far, he clearly wasn't having much luck. The two police officers that were already in the nursery when she arrived had been questioning some of the patients and had the guy with the hook hand and his team guarding all the doors. They were sure she was in the building somewhere, they just didn't know where.

That made it worse, oh so worse. Knowing her little girl was so close and in so much danger and she couldn't do a damn thing about it. She had never felt so hopeless, so completely lost, her chest ached, she couldn't stop shaking, and it was like someone was slowly ripping her heart out.

"Carla don't worry we will find her!" Shirley, one of the newest nurses spoke softly, rubbing her back and looking incredibly unsure, this was certainly not what she signed up for this morning. "No one's going to hurt a little baby."

"Y…ou… you don't… don't know THAT" She cried as she clutched her arms around her chest tighter and stared blankly ahead of her, she just needed her daughter, nothing would be right again until she was safely back in her arms.

"We'll find her Carla; I promise we will find her." Turk said as he came rushing over to his wife, having just entered the ward, his arms instantly wrapping around her and squeezing her to his chest. His eyes were blood shot, and skin bright red and tear stained, he felt like his world had been turned upside down. His baby girl was missing and his wife was distraught and he just felt completely powerless to help either of them. "We'll find her."

Some of the patients in the ward were staring at them; others were trying to avoid any sort of eye contact. Even Kevin, the guy who'd been giving them grief all day was sitting unusually quiet trying to make himself as small as possible. A few who were capable of walking around had got up to help with the search while the more hardhearted bunch had plugged in their iPods and become oblivious to their surroundings. It was safe to say this not so little event had managed to somehow affect everyone in the building.

Of course no one was affected anywhere near the amount as the Turks were, they just couldn't comprehend why someone would do this to them.

"Is…he.. God …punis..hing us?" Carla asked quietly as she wrapped her arms around her husband and buried her face into his shoulder her ragged breathing getting even faster as she tried to calm herself down long enough to speak properly.

"What? No of course not baby? He's a vision of good; he wouldn't do something like this." Turk said gently, rubbing his hand up and down her back and pulling her even closer to him. His spare arm was gripping at his ST Christopher chain, willing his faith to come through for him. For his God to bring his little girl back to him safely.

"Then why?...Wh..y would anyone do…do this? My baby! My …poor baby!" Carla screamed, her breathing getting worse and worse as a fresh batch of tears came and she went completely hysterical once again. Whatever she attempted to say after that was unintelligible to even Turk and he could do nothing but rock her side to side as he glanced around the room, trying desperately to work out where someone may take his baby girl. If the whole hospital was searching, they couldn't have gone far surely? There wasn't that many places anyone could hide, especially with a presumably crying baby.

"It's funny you should ask that." The janitor piped up, appearing from the shadows, his cleaning cart in tow and a mop in his hand. Everyone's attention instantly turned to him as he placed his mop back in its bucket and leaned backwards against a wall. "There's an interesting story actually of a very similar event." He continued, smirking a little as he realized how well his little plan was going. Everything always fell into place so nicely. "There was a thing on the news once about a mad man who kidnapped children, no one paid him any attention, and he was just this rogue worker who everyone took advantage of. But he had a fascinating back story if anyone bothered to listen. He was crap at his job, everyone knew that, or at least the job he pretended to do, but you see he wasn't really a handy man like everyone assumed he was based on a uniform. No, he worked in a hospital too, but hospitals are tricky places, there full of people who are supposed to help and heal others, yet more often than not these people become selfish, big headed and their personal lives become way more important than treating the sick and helping the ones that truly need help. Now this man was hired to do one thing, make sure only the best survived to become fully fledged doctors, to train the weak and get rid of the ones who just weren't capable enough. He would extract punishments on the people around him, test the ones who needed to be tested and make people see the error of their ways."

At this point, Shirley got up, shook her head at his ridiculousness and walked away; everyone knew a janitor cock and bull story by now. Turk just raised his eyebrows and continued to comfort his wife as he once again took to searching the room with his eyes, judging distances under beds and any suspicious looking closets.

"See what I mean! No one is ever interested in his back story." The janitor said with a shrug as he stood up straight again and walked towards the married couple. "Anyway there was this couple, who did something bad and they needed to be punished, so this 'mad man' took their child one day, as a way for them to realize the error of their ways. But you see he wasn't the smartest leaf on the tree and decided to work alone rather than with others, so of course the police were called and they eventually found the man on the roof, he dropped the kid off it and was arrested minutes later."

Again the Janitor shrugged and turned to retrieve his mop as Carla and Turk exchanged a look of confusion and slight horror.

"Was there a point to that story?" Turk eventually asked as the man in the jumpsuit put up his little yellow sign and started cleaning the floor, clearly not about to say anything else as he turned his back towards them. The man smirked slightly at this question before turning his head around so he was looking at them from over his shoulder.

"Three actually, no one ever pays attention to the hidden messages, people should always have the right contacts to avoid prison… and when searching a building… the rooftop is constantly neglected." With that he placed his mop back in the cart, picked up his glass cleaner and headed off towards the nearest window. When he was sure the attention was no longer on him, he reached his hand out of the window and simply dropped the cloth out of it and then with a wink to someone below, turned on his heels and left the ward.

It took Turk and Carla all of 5 seconds after the last few words left the janitors mouth, for them both to spring to their feet and charge out of the room with only one destination in mind, the roof.

"Hi Dr Dorian?" A small voice spoke out from a doorway, causing the young man and his mentor to turn around and face the entrance to the ICU, where a young woman, probably around twenty-five years old stood in a hospital gown. "Dr Cox, it's nice to see you both again." She continued softly as she took a hesitant step into the ward.

"Aaa…. Urr…hi?" JD replied, scanning the woman's facial features, trying to work out how she knew them.

"I was a patient of yours a few years back at sacred heart, you saved mine and my sisters lives when we were in a car crash. I never did get to thank you guys properly, I was pregnant back then too and I've got a wonderful little boy now." She replied with a small smile as she held her hand out to shake there's, realizing they had no idea who she actually was. "My name's Kerry Leatherman."

"Well hello Kerry, you doing okay?" Dr Cox replied as he got to his feet and went over to shake her hand. They treated so many people every day that faces all began to look the same to him, still it was always nice meet someone he had once treated successfully.

"Not really, my husband went nuts and attacked me and my youngest, which is why we're here." She said with a small shrug, before grimacing and clutching at her injured shoulder.

"I'm so sorry to hear that." JD spoke up, before getting to his own feet and picking little Sammy up, having the sudden desire to protect him even more than normal. The world really was a horrible place to be born into.

"It's okay, my own fault really, should have left him years ago… just been told I've got a bit of a difficult decision to make now, wanted to clear my head… sorry to disturb you." She continued, before turning to go. As she reached out to reopen the door to the corridor, she paused and glanced back around at the newborn. "He's a cutie, is he yours?"

"Yeah, Sammy, he's two weeks old now" The thirty year old replied as he rocked his son slightly as he let out a small cry, being careful not to disturb any of the wires that were still attached to his tiny body.

"Congratulations, is he okay?"

JD shook his head slightly before sitting back down and staring down at his son sadly, he was defiantly better then he was, but nowhere near being okay.

"No, he's very premature, can breathe on his own now but I've just been told he needs a kidney transplant sooner rather than later if he's gunna be given a proper chance at life." He replied, taking a deep breath as he tried to stop himself from crying again, it was just one thing after another for the poor lad.

"Oh god… Wait? Is he at the top of the transplant list?"

"As of about half an hour ago yeah." The young man said softly with a croak in his voice, silently swearing that when this was all over he would take some sort of class on how to control his emotions a little better.

"What's his blood type?" She said quickly before flinching and shaking her head "Sorry… that was nosy… I've... got to go… I've got to go" With that she yanked open the ward door and dashed out into the corridor, leaving too very bewildered off duty doctors behind.

"What was that all about?"

**(a/n) So what you think, any good? Lol gone in a slightly different direction than originally intended with this story but its been 4 years so .. yeah. Thanks for everyone whose still reading and reviewing really appreciate it!**

**Im going back to college as of Monday so may be a tad longer till the next update but not too long gunna try and get as much in before assignments start poping up as possible. Hopefully this story will be over in about 4 or 5 more chapters. Got everything planned out that I want to happen so it should work out!**


	22. Strength

**Chapter 22- Strength**

_Hope is the belief in a positive outcome or a desirable ending to certain circumstances in someone's life. It's a human emotion which you can't get away from; when things look bleak people always have hope to fall back on. When new information is acquired and something that felt so despondent before suddenly has new light added to it, you can't help but feel even the tiniest bit of optimism. People rely on that feeling, that faith to get them through the hard times. Of course it makes it all the more painful if that hope turns out to be false._

**Friday 28th March, 7.49 pm**

Turk and Carla ran almost like robots through the corridors of sacred heart, bursting though doors and shoving anything that got in their way to the ground. Their movements were stiff and desperate, like they were running on some sort of auto pilot; nothing else appeared to matter to them other than reaching their destination.

_The roof_

A simple thing really, every building in America had one, whether it be flat, pointed, uninhabitable or made of straw, everything had a roof. Yet like the Janitor said it was the one place that was often overlooked, no one ever checked the roof. If something was missing, someone was hiding, something was lost, people automatically checked under tables and chairs, in cupboards and behind doors, yet the roof, the quietest place to go, was always at the bottom of the list. Silly if you think about it properly.

They took the stairs two at a time, missing as many steps as their legs would allow as they clawed at the banister to pull them up faster. The hope inside their chests swelled as the door which would allow them on to the roof top got closer and closer. Izzy had not left the hospital, that man had not been near the exits, that's what all those policemen had assured them. The place had been torn apart with people looking for their little girl, yet no one had found her. This was literally the only place left that he could have taken her.

Turk reached the door first and dived into the bar which would permit them access with all his strength. Carla reached it only seconds later, her eyes wide and nostrils flared as she tried to ignore the lack of oxygen which was currently running though her, all that mattered was her daughter, everything else including getting their breathe back could wait until later.

They split up in an instant, Christopher Turk going left and Carla taking to the right, their eyes desperately scanning the area, looking for a sign, any sign that their not even a year old daughter was there.

"Izzy! Izzy!" They both shouted as they shot around the concrete, looked under and around the metal tunnel pipes and blocks of cement. All they wanted was to see her sat somewhere playing with her cuddly bear, laughing as it tickled at her chin, to smell her individual baby smell and hold her so tightly so she knew they'd never let anyone near her ever again. They wanted her to know she was safe, unharmed and forever protected.

That didn't happen though, instead they bumped into each other again as they ran full circle, meeting at the doorway they had been at only moments ago, having run the lap of the tallest roof and found not even a hair.

"No." Carla said simply and shook her head, her heart feeling like it was about to be ripped out of her chest once again as she laid eyes upon her husband, his arms, like her own completely empty.

"This is just one roof! We, we still have roof B!" Turk replied in an instant, his attention falling to the roof on the other side of the hospital grounds, the biggest lump forming in his throat as he took a step forward and wrapped his arms around his hyperventilating wife.

"There's no point, she won't be there; she won't be there! They've taken her! They've taken my baby, God's punishing us; he's punishing us Turk! She's gone… gone… my baby's gone." She cried out as her legs gave way and she slid to the floor completely crushed, her whole body just going numb as she stared out at the clouded sky, her chest going tighter and tighter as she struggled to breathe.

"No! No he's not." Turk said softly as he knelt down beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders before leaning and resting his forehead against her own. "Carla listen to me, God would never allow harm to come to our child, we haven't done anything to deserve this and I swear to you we will find her. Hey, look at me?" He continued as he placed a finger under her chin and forced her to look up into his eyes. " We WILL find her, but we are no use to her if we just sit here, we have to get up and we have to never stop searching, hell we will never stop searching. We can cry and we can sulk and feel all the things we do, but in order to help Izzy we have to get up and get moving. We have to keep looking, we just have to."

"But what if we can't find her? I can't be without her Turk, I just can't." Carla whispered, her eyes not once leaving her husbands, even when they filled up once again and her vision blurred as more tears fell. Turk just shook his head in understanding as he reached for his wife's hand and pulled them both to their feet.

"That's not even an option, have faith baby, she will come back to us." With that, he entwined their fingers and waited for the strong, determined woman he fell in love with to return to him. It took a while, but eventually Carla gave a small, unsteady nod. Turk instantly nodded back, then turned and headed back to the doorway, leading his wife behind him as he went through it and took to the stairs once again.

The duo clung to each other for support as they entered the first corridor and headed off in the direction of the second roof top. Neither would admit it, but with each passing minute, their hearts sank in their chests more and more and that tiny fire that once burned so fierce inside of them was slowly going out. The hope inside them of finding her alive and well whilst still there, was dwindling.

_When bad things happen, even to the strongest people in the world, it affects them. Some people can hide these affects well, to the point you wouldn't have been able to tell what they were really going through, while to others, it destroys their spirit, eats away at their soul until there is very little left._

_The people, who are thought of as battle-axes, can lose what makes them who they are in an instant. While others, who seem weak and vulnerable on the outside can find the strength they never knew they had._

"Dr Readdon?" A young woman called out as the aging Doctor made his way down the hospital ward. He instantly turned around to the petite brunette who despite her injured shoulder and obvious bruising was carrying a smaller toddler and clutching the hand of a slightly older child.

"Yes? Mrs Leatherman wasn't it?" He said slowly as he studied the small family with a sad smile. The older child was clinging to her mother like her life depended on it and was trying to avoid any sort of eye contact as she slowly backed up and hid behind the twenty five year old. The baby boy who couldn't have been more than two years old was staring up at him with an unnerving look of distrust on his small face.

"Please call me Kerry." She said softly, before pointing to the toys in the corner of the room and encouraging the youngsters to go over and have a play.

"Kerry then, how can I help you?" he replied while watching the children reluctantly wonder off. The two of them had certainly been through hell that was for sure, it was a sad story really, a young teenager ran off with her boyfriend, only for him to turn into a violent thug and attack her and their three children. Unfortunately it was one of those stories where a happy ending wasn't going to come about, that he could say for certain, he was also pretty sure she would never find the courage to testify against the man who put them all in hospital.

"I'd like to talk to you about Tommy… and about what's best for him." She said softly, brushing her hair back with her hand and staring up at the older man who was supposed to make everything better. "I haven't been a very good mother recently, I haven't protected him or Kathy and Cain the way I should have but that stops now. It's time I stop being so scared and start fighting for them, I need to put them first, I can't be selfish no more"

The doctor could only nod as he held his hand out and indicated for the two of them to take a seat on the chairs to the left of them.

"Have you made a decision?" He asked carefully as he placed a comforting hand on her uninjured shoulder and watched her face for any indication on what was to come.

"Ye.. Yes."

_Hope and personal strength go together hand in hand, you have to be strong in order to continuously have that faith that everything will work out in the end. Some days it pays off and others, it doesn't. There's not a lot you can do in between, but to keep on fighting and pray the end of the nightmare is sooner rather than later._

**Friday 28th March, 8.15 pm**

"Ahh there you guys are!" Jordan called out as she walked out into a corridor behind the depressed married couple having seen them from the other side of the ward. "I've been looking for you numpties."

"Not now!" Turk shot back in a high pitched yet slightly threatening tone, just daring her to start on them. Neither Turk nor Carla turned around to actually acknowledge the older woman's presence as they continued their march through the hospital, their hands still tightly clamped together. Determination to find their daughter driving them on in the hope of reaching the second roof top as quickly as possible.

"I have something that belongs to you." She continued ignoring his tone as she quickened her place slightly and shifted the weight of what she was carrying into her other arm. Again, neither of the duo turned around they just pushed forward more; Turk slamming the end door open with his free arm and letting it bang roughly into the freshly painted walls.

"Trust me on this one… you're probably going to want it." She shouted out, before coming to a stop by the nurses' station and placing what she was carrying down on it. "But I'm certainly not going to chase after you, am I Izzy?"

Carla instantly froze, the hairs on her neck sticking up on end before she span around on the spot quicker than a train wreck code and looked to where the kinda- Mrs- Cox was stood. Sure enough, sat on the work top next to the brunette was a small black child, with black hair in little pigtails and the brightest coloured eyes.

"Mama!" The baby called out with a giggle before hugging her teddy bear to her chest and starting to chew on its ear.

"IZZY!" She cried out before letting go of her husband's hand and darting back across the room to scoop the child up. Turk was by her side in seconds and wrapped his arms around them both, muttering sweet childlike words and kissing the top of the toddler's head over and over as Carla hugged her tighter than she ever had in her life.

"Found her crawling around the staff waiting room" Jordan continued as she took a step to the side to allow the family a bit of extra space, shifting on her feet uncomfortably as they continued to tell their daughter how much they loved her and how they'd never leave her alone again.

"On her own?" Turk eventually asked as he took his attention away from Izzy for just a second.

"Well if she had been with someone I wouldn't have picked her up." Jordan sniped with a roll of her eyes as she tried to act as least bothered and concerned as she possibly could. "You should really be more careful, all it would take was one wrong-un walking past and you could lose her."

With that she turned on her heels and headed back towards the exit, hesitating for a second as she took a glance back towards the Turks.

"My baby, my baby" Carla kept repeating as she cuddled them both into her husband. Too wrapped up in having her child back with her, safe and sound; to question Jordan further like she usually would have.

The mother of two swallowed hard as she alternated her attention from the phone which was currently in her hand and the happy family stood in front of her. Eventually she sighed, forced herself to hit the send button and headed off, out of sight.

_Tag, you're it_

**_(a/n) hope you all like :D Thanks for reading_**


	23. Survival

**Chapter 23 - Survival**

_Life can be a tricky thing, it's full of endless possibilities and riddles that no one quite knows the answer to. The best day of your life can change into the worst, with a click of a finger, but there is no real secret when it comes to surviving. Doctors can tell you all the medical jargon in the world, you can eat all the right things, believe in any spiritual or religious guy you want and you can fight with every fiber of your being but it won't change the inevitable outcome. What it really comes down to is the cells inside of you and how they work as a system to keep you going. You can have the strongest will, the __toughest __physique__ or even the best medical care anyone can offer you, but when it comes down to it, if those little cells decide they can't cope then that's it. You're gone._

_The weakest human being can have the strongest cells backing their corner where as the strongest fittest lad, can have the weakest. Medical teams like to pretend they know what will happen, the outcome of events, but deep down they don't have a clue if there is light at the end of the tunnel or an ever falling darkness. They are living in the same moment as everyone else. All the signs can point to death and the person will live another twenty years, or they can say that everything will be fine and the person is dead ten minutes later. The sad truth is no one really knows what will happen unless you're a writer of a story, and even then the ending can be nothing like what was originally planned. I don't believe in fate, that the universe decides whether someone lives or dies. I mean what gives anyone, let alone something in the stars, the right to decide that? The cells however, they know before any human, be it the patient, their family or even a doctor. They know how long they can fight for, what they can withstand and how much they can heal and when it comes to the point they think, 'enough I cannot do this', then there's not really much you can do. Cells provide life, but they can also take it away in an instant._

* * *

"Before I do this, I need to know. Are you sure? Are you sure there is nothing you can do to save my baby boy? Please? If there is anything, I can get the money, I'll work 24 hours a day if that's what it takes."

"I'm sorry but when his heart stopped, it just took too long to get it restarted. We can run the test again if you want, but honestly it will just give you false hope, he was starved of oxygen for too long, there is no brain activity."

* * *

_The term 'brain dead' describes a patient whose cells inside their brain have been too badly damaged to survive. The lungs can inhale and exhale air through the help of the machine, the heart can carry on beating, the kidneys, liver, and stomach, can all be completely healthy, but due to a lack of oxygen or an injury to a certain area of the brain, it's shut itself down. While your body is physically still there, your spirit, your mind, your soul has been ripped away with no hope of returning, for if one system is faulty, the rest of your body cannot function without it._

* * *

"So there's nothing you can do? No medical trials? Nothing? That's just it?"

"Yes, that's it, I'm afraid that there is nothing which can help him now, I'm sorry but he's gone. The kindest thing to do is to just let him go. "

* * *

_What makes things so difficult is when one horrible event leads to the death of a patient; it can be the savior for others. Those who are in need of new organs can be given someone else's, a transplant, where the organs of one person are cut out of them and given to another. Some peoples only chances of survival, comes down to families hoping that another parent will have their child ripped away from them. For someone else with the same blood type to have their brain be so damaged that it's beyond repair and then for that persons next of kin to consent to donating their body parts._

_For some, those who are not in the situation, it seems a simple enough decision, if they are dead already, then what's the point of those organs going to waste when they can change so many other people's lives. But for those facing it, it's a completely different matter._

* * *

"My head hears what you're saying… my heart is another matter entirely. How can I just accept that he's not coming back?"

"I understand that, and if you need more time, then I'll leave, there is no rush."

"Except there is...for him to save other people, there is. Isn't there?"

"For the potential recipients, I won't lie to you, yes there is, but if you're not ready to say good bye… then you're not ready."

* * *

_When it comes down to it, how can you ever accept your child is gone, when their heart still beats and their chest still rises and falls. Dead means stone cold and lifeless, an empty cavity where nothing works, not warm and breathing with blood still pumping to every part of their bodies. A donor's parent would need to consent to having their child's body torn open while they are technically still alive and have every little part of them removed, till they were just an empty cavity of wasted tissue and bone._

_Turning off the life support machine is one thing but sending them to a surgery that will be their death is another entirely. The hope that they will wake up, that their survival instincts will kick in and they will fight for life as soon as the machine stops doing it for them, is something that no one can deny having. The natural end is something most people need in order to accept that someone who has been declared brain dead is really gone. Not having it is one of the hardest things in the world and to the people who have that strength to sit back and look at a bigger picture, rather than the reality that they're really facing, are one of the bravest of them all._

_To sign away your child's organs, is the most selfless act anyone can ever choose to do._

* * *

"Give me the paper."

"Are you sure?"

"No… but I've hidden away for far too long, I've been needy, and a coward for far too long. Its time I stepped up…You say he won't feel anything?"

"Not a thing, I know it's hard to accept but he's already dead."

"Then… you have my consent… but on one condition."

* * *

_The guilt you feel, for wanting this to happen to some family is worse than anyone can possibly imagine. To dream another child dies in order for yours to survive is unthinkable. Yet you can't help but think just that. Human beings are selfish by nature and all they want is to hear the news that there is a match for their little boy or girl, no matter their age. It's why you have such a massive respect for the people who can step up and put their own needs to one side. Because until you have been though it, you can't have any idea how difficult the whole situation is._

* * *

"Dr Dorian, I'm glad you're still here" An older man spoke out as he walked into the children's ward, two nurses following closely behind him. JD gave a soft smile to the man as he gently stood up and placed his baby back into the incubator. " Dr Cox." The man then added as an afterthought, giving a nod to the sacred heart attending who very rarely left the corner of the little yellow room. He had to admire his dedication to the younger man, even if he spent half his time denying JD meant anything to him.

"Where else would I be, I swore to Kim I'd be the best father Sammy could ever want and she would be pretty damn pissed if I left him on his own." JD replied with a smirk, trying to hide the speed his heart beet had increased to, it almost felt like it was about to burst out of his chest with nerves as his palms started to sweat. Doctors never came into a ward with other staff unless there was a serious reason behind it. If all of his years as a Doctor had taught him one thing, it was how to recognize when people were just there, or coming at you in a pack.

"I'm sure she would." The guy shot back, a warm feeling spreading though him at seeing the young man finally cracking a joke. "We have some good news for you… we've found a match, Sammy is about to get some new kidneys."

With that he indicated for the nurses behind him to walk over to the premature baby and start preparing him for surgery and gathering up the necessary information as he himself took a seat in front of the incubator and signaled for JD to do so as well.

"It's a bit of a race against time for them to still be liable, but if we take Sammy down to the theater now, there shouldn't be any problems. The donor is very young himself and a perfect match, so hopefully there won't be any issues with rejecting the kidneys. I'm sure you know how this whole procedure works but have you any questions?"

For a moment, it didn't look like the younger man was going to say a word, as he just stared blankly at the Doctor who had been treating Sammy since the moment he was born. He was shaking slightly as his mouth dropped open and he tried to take the information he'd just been told in. Then ever so slowly his face broke in to a massive grin as he released a breathe he didn't even know he was holding and glanced towards his mentor.

"Is this actually happening?"

"It's happening!" Dr Cox replied with a small smile and diverted his eyes back to the surgeon in charge, signaling JD should do the same.

"He's getting some kidneys?" JD said hesitantly, breathing deeply and straightening himself up in his seat. Unsure of how to react or even how to feel as the stomach churning dread that had been settled in his stomach for nearly 3 weeks started to lift and swish and change into something he couldn't quite put his finger on.

"He is." The doctor replied, giving the younger man a reassuring smile before he reached out and squeezed JD's leg slightly. The younger man gave a half laugh half chocked back sob at that as he covered his mouth with his shaking hand and broke into the biggest grin he'd worn in a good while.

"Holy crap!...What's the donor's name? I'd like, I'd like to register it as Sammy's middle name, kind of as a tribute, so he lives on." JD quickly asked, his smile growing bigger and bigger by the second as the nurses got ready to wheel the little boy out.

"Thomas Leatherman, but the mother has requested she has no further contact with any of the recipients, so I'm sure I don't have to tell you about respecting people's wishes." He replied, before turning his clip board over and presenting JD with a consent form. "Do we have your consent for this operation to take place?"

It didn't even take the new father, three seconds to grab hold of the chart, grab the attached pen and sign his signature in all the right places, his body shaking in excitement as he handed the form back. With another nod, the Doctor got to his feet, noted down Sammy's stats, before clearing the way for the incubator to be rolled towards the exit.

"Sammy Perry Thomas Dorian has a nice ring to it doesn't it?" JD almost squealed, as he placed one final kiss on his sons head as he was taken away before turning back around to face one of his son's namesakes.

"Yeah…" The attending replied quietly, his attention solely focused on the spot they had last seen a young woman not so long ago. "Yeah it does."

* * *

_Or know the relief you feel when the light at the end of the tunnel, suddenly seems that little bit closer, even if at the time you don't manage join all the dots up right away._

* * *

**(A/N) Was really unsure about how this was written and how it went, but the story has been on the sacred heart gang for a while now and felt like JD needed a chapter, though it turned out a little differently than what was in my head. Hope you guys liked it :)**


	24. Guilt and realisation

**Chapter 24 – Guilt and realisation**

_Just when you think you have life figured out, that everything is going to be okay, fate has a way of twisting things so your whole perspective changes once again. When this happens it leaves a dark spot in your heart, a place you don't really want to visit but at the same time, something that you can't ignore. It tears you up inside, eats away at you, claws at your skin, wanting a release but having no way of getting out. It changes you, whether you want to admit it at the time or not. _

_It appears when you least expect it, at first it's easy to put to one side, because you know you haven't done anything wrong, that your actions are justified. But all it takes is one person to say one little thing and the flood gates open. You suddenly see things from someone else's point of view and everything you were once sure about becomes nothing but doubt and shame. _

_Guilt can fundamentally repair or destroy relationships. It can act as social superglue, fixing situations that once seemed like they were beyond repair. Or if it comes too late, it can be the final nail in the coffin. You can never be sure one way or another how a situation is going to go, all you can do is pray that realisation has arisen in time and that you can redeem yourself in another's eyes._

* * *

"Can we go home now?" Carla asked softly as she cradled her little girl up against her chest and inhaled her scent like it was the most beautiful smell in the world. Beside her, Turk gave a gentle nod, his arm wrapped firmly around her shoulders as he stroked Isabella's hair. They had both managed to stop crying and were just cherishing the fact their baby was back with them, not a hair on her head having been misplaced.

"Yeah, let's get out of here" He replied as he loosened his grip ever so slightly on his petite wife's form and guided them both down the almost empty corridor, towards the staircase which would lead them to the outside world. "I've had far too much of this place for today."

With that they both slowly glided through the large hospital doors and down a small bunch of steps which led to a back exit. Deep down they knew they shouldn't just leave, that they should inform someone that they had found their daughter, but at that particular moment they were just too caught up in the relief to really give it much thought. All they wanted, all they needed, was to go back to the security of their home, lock out the rest of the world and just be a family, to cuddle up on the sofa as Izzy lay on the rug surrounded by all the toys she loved, happy, content and safe.

As their feet hit the cold concrete of the back of the hospital car park, they sighed and took in the strangely warm dusk air. They both felt almost like they were in some sort of trance, like creation was moving around them but they were just observing it from afar. That although they were physically there, their minds, their souls, had long ago left and they were just floating in this cloud of uncertainty. In the space of a few hours every parent's worst nightmare had come to life, they had discovered the one person who was most precious to them was gone, only to get her safely returned to them just as they were beginning to give in to their grief. To say they were emotionally and physically drained was the understatement of the century.

"Who on earth would do something like this? Who would take our daughter?" Carla asked quietly, more to herself than to her husband as she gazed adoringly down at the child in her arms who was by now sleeping peacefully, a chunk of Carla's pink scrub top clenched in her tiny hand.

"I don't know baby." He replied as he placed a small kiss on her temple and rubbed her back comfortingly before they headed in the direction of their car. "Let's just be thankful God was looking out for us today; I knew he would keep her safe. He'd never allow our little African princess to come to any harm."

Carla, having long ago accepted Turks religious views could only bring herself to nod as she shifted Izzy slightly to her left in order to wrap her coat around her slumbering form, unsure on how to respond or even how she was feeling about the whole thing.

"Or maybe he was trying to teach you a lesson, one he decided you needed a little help learning." A voice called out from the shadows, causing both Carla and Turk to pause and turn towards the bushes on their left where a man dressed in black could just be made out. "Maybe the plan was to always keep Izzy safe; maybe she wasn't the target at all. Maybe her being returned to you at this exact time was all part of the master plan."

"Excuse me?" Turk called out, as he removed his arm from his wife and took a protective stance in front of her, trying yet failing to see the man's face. The man just chuckled, but remained where he was, just out of the light which was illuminating the car park.

"You heard me, if you forever live your life in denial with a false sense of self importance, then sometimes, just sometimes you need to be taught a lesson and while this was extreme to say the least, it was necessary." He continued while unfolding his arms and taking a few steps towards them. "My brother lost the woman he loved, his baby is fighting for his life, he's going through hell and you two, you did nothing but make him feel worse. I thought I'd return the favour." With that he stepped forward fully into the light, allowing the two people before him to truly see his features.

"Dan?" Both Carla and Turk puffed out as they instantly recognised the face of JD's older brother, though he looked a lot tidier than normal and for once not like someone who had been hitting the beers hard the night before.

"The one and only. Miss me?" Dan replied as he closed the gap between them, causing Turk to stand up taller than before, almost as if he was a gorilla showing who the alpha in the situation was. This only caused the older Dorian to chuckle as he held his hands up in defeat and leant against the hospital wall, a strange sense of darkness surrounding him. No longer did his eyes sparkle with the immaturity and idiocy they were used to, instead they were hard and emotionless, showing no warmth or an ounce of compassion for what he had done.

"I don't understand, you took Izzy?" Carla spoke out, confusion written all over her features. The man she remembered meeting was a silly drunken looser who despite not making anything of his life, seemed kind, someone often involved in trickery sure, but he was far from a kidnapper, he couldn't hurt anyone if his life depended on it.

"Not me personally no, I didn't touch her, a friend of mine did though, kept her safe for a few hours while half the hospital watched you run around in a blind panic. What can I say, met some nice people here the last time I visited, ones only too happy to help me out!" He continued, before straightening up again and taking a small step towards them, his eyes never once leaving theirs. "I thought you were nice people to. I mean Christopher, how long have we known each other? How long have you been Johnny's best friend? Do you know something, the day we met; I had my doubts about you, after all we all know Johnny has always been a bit of a geek." He paused again and smirked as he remembered the time his little brother attempted to play football with him and how it had ended with him flat on his face, running off in embarrassment soon after. "My first thought was what's a guy like him doing hanging out with my little brother and how I was gunna' creatively beat you to a pulp when you ended up messing him about and leaving him in the gutter. But somehow you managed to prove me wrong, stuck by him, helped him get a couple of girls and become a functioning member of society. You gave him a life, so I let it go, I let you stay… should have gone with my first instinct."

Turk could only crease his brows in confusion as a response to that as he watched the thirty five year old crack his knuckles a few times and ball his hands into fists. Sure he knew Dan wasn't the most welcoming of people back then, but he never gave the impression he didn't like him, more that he was indifferent towards him, like he was whenever JD mentioned anything to do with college.

"Dan…"

"Shut up, because it's taking all my strength not to hit you and I swear if you say one wrong thing right now I will not be responsible for my actions." Dan sniped back and bit down hard on his lip as he took another step forward, before closing his eyes and shaking his head. When he opened them again they were no longer as dark and lifeless as before but underneath the blue surface, was a deep blazing fury which was swirling in the back of his head, just waiting to get its release.

"Don't you threaten my husband! When I finish telling the police everything you'll be rotting in a prison cell!" Carla snapped as she pulled Izzy closer to her and took a step around Turk, so they were stood shoulder to shoulder, side by side, like it should always be. "How dare you! How dare you take my little girl then have the audacity to stand here and talk to us like that, who do you think you are? What right do you think you have to play the 'big brother' card now? You know nothing of JD's life, of his friends, of what's been happening here, when have you ever even cared about any of that, as long as he could throw you a quick buck every now and then, then that's all you were interested in. So don't come here now, acting like we are in the wrong when you have just KIDNAPPED a child."

"I've ALWAYS had Johnny's back. How dare I? How dare you? Now I know I've not been the world's best brother, but I've never pretended to be either. Me and Johnny, we've never really had that close bond that some families share, but he is MY little brother and I'd kill for him. I don't do the sentimental hugs at tea time, let's talk about our feelings crap, I never have, but if someone hurt him by God I made sure they lived to regret it." Dan retorted, his voice taking on a deadly tone as he spoke more though his teeth than anything else. He was never one to hold on to anger; he was a lot like JD in that respect, life was to sort to waste it on losing your temper when you could just swallow it and move on. That was in normal situations though, during the start of bar fights and the odd argument with your boss. When it came to John Dorian however, no one got away with upsetting him, not while Dan was around. He may not have been perfect, he may have downright sucked at being there for people when they needed him, but the one thing he always made sure of was that if anyone dared to take advantage of his brothers caring personality, then they well and truly got their comeuppance. "You? You on the other hand are ten times worse, because you pretend; you pretend to be his friend, to care about him, to be the best person in the world. When in reality you couldn't give a damn. My brother was in bits, he's lost everything, he thought he was losing his child, hell he still might and what were you doing? Planning your little family life and telling him to grow up. He needed you! He needed the both of you but where the hell were you?" He shouted out, his voice getting deeper and louder as he continued, his eyes radiating as the reality of what his brother had had to go through truly hit him.

Turk could do nothing but look from Dan to his wife, no words forming at the back of his throat as he tried desperately to think of something to say. Carla too looked a little shocked at his outburst but her eyes were just as hardened over as his, she wasn't accepting responsibility for anything, or willing to see past her own anger and listen to what he was actually getting at. As she opened her mouth to bite back, the older Dorian quickly cut her of.

" WHERE WERE YOU WHEN HE NEEDED YOU? As soon as Dr Cox called me I was in the car driving here before he had even got off the phone! You, you see him every day, in tears, losing his mind with grief and anger and you just shut him out of your lives because it wasn't convenient. And when you finally do find out, what do you do, you sit there asking why he didn't tell you, why he didn't come to you, YOU SIT THERE AND DO NOTHING. You have known him years, he moved out his own home, the one he rented so you could have a place to live together, to give you a proper married life. He did your shopping, set you up, covered for you when you needed it, was a shoulder to cry on, a face to yell at, to laugh at, to have fun with, he was everything for you and YOU JUST SAT THERE." Dan carried on, pausing for just a second to alter the pitch of his voice and to fling his imaginary hair over his shoulder and wiggle his index finger in the air, doing the best imitation of Carla as he could muster. "'Oh he hasn't answered the phone, oh well we tried. What more can we do, we work in a hospital, we know the rules regarding cell phones, but I'm from the block and if he don't answer, then that's that?"

"One, I do not sound like that and two, what do you expect us to do, we don't know where he is, we've left a dozen messages and called him over and over, we've tried out best to…" Carla started, but was once again interrupted as Dan saw red. If steam could have flown out of his ears at that very moment, then it would have gassed out the whole hospital.

"No, NO that is not trying that's a half ass attempted at making yourselves feel less guilty. There are two main hospitals in this city, it doesn't take a genius to work out if he's not at Sacred Heart then there is really only one other place he could be. Unless the small one you pass as you enter the city has an incredible NICU that no one knows about. Did you even attempt to go there? To find Johnny and talk to him? To make up for what you were lacking in for weeks? Or did you just sit on your B-hinds, do the old 'oh poor JD' thing and then move on to the next piece of gossip."

Carla visibly flinched at that and glanced down at her shoes as just for a second her own anger vanished. Eventually she looked to her husband whose hands were turning white from the sheer force he was gripping at them with, nails digging imprints into his dark skin as he refused to meet Dan's eyes, unable to deny any of it, no matter how much he wanted to.

"No I didn't think so!"

"You know nothing!" Carla snapped back, her eyes flaring as she reached for her husband with her spare hand and tried to prevent Izzy from waking by rocking her with the other. A part of her knew, knew exactly what he was saying and just how right he was, but the other part? It refused to accept she could ever do something like that, that she was in the wrong and was getting a well deserved lecture off of the man who caused them so much panic.

"I know everything! I spoke to him, I've been sat with him day and night since I got here, and if I left, it was because Dr Cox and his wife were there. He told me, he told me what it's been like, how you treated him, how Coxie was the only one there for him. It makes me sick. How could you do this to him?" Dan almost growled, shaking his head in a mixture of bewilderment and anger as he tried to steady his breathing. He couldn't actually believe these people were his brother's closest friends, hell he couldn't believe they even worked in a hospital when it seemed like they hadn't an ounce of compassion or empathy between them.

"It wasn't just us, okay! No one in the hospital knew until Doug blurted it out." Carla continued a slight hesitance in her tone as the voice in the back of her head that was growing louder by the second, repeated exactly what Dan had just said back to her.

"But none of them were his friends, none of them lived with him, none of them could he picture being a part of his life forever. You two, you two meant the world to him and you shattered him! All he wanted was for someone to be there, someone to care and you just shut him out. You pushed him away, you left him alone to deal with the death of the woman he loved and the possibility his son could go that way to! How could you be so heartless?"

"Us heartless?! You're the one who organised for someone to take our baby! For us to think she was missing and in the hands of god only knows who!" Turk piped up, suddenly finding his voice as he locked eyes on the man he had known for too many years to even count. He knew he had a point, of course he did, but as far as he was concerned nothing could ever justify dragging Izzy into the awful situation and putting them though hell. "Do you have any idea what something like that feels like? It doesn't matter what we had supposedly done, the minute… no the second you dragged my baby into this you lost all rights to lecture anyone."

For a moment, silence fell upon them; the only sound that could be heard was from passing cars in the distance and the occasional ambulance pulling up to the emergency platform out front. They all just stared at each other, daring the other to speak and already formulating their comeback in their minds. The tension was so thick even the sharpest surgical knife would have a problem cutting though it. Then Dan sighed, shrugged his tired shoulders and placed his hands in his pockets.

"No your right… I don't know how that feels, so why don't you tell me?" He said almost sympathetically as his eyes wondered to the sleeping child, before travelling back up to her mother. "Go on how did it feel when you realised you daughter was gone? That you might never see her again? Did it hurt? Does it still hurt? What about knowing some of the people in there who you trust, betrayed you in the worst possible way. That the police who are searching so hard to find her… are actually cleaners at the hospital, people you pass every day, dressed up, just to prolong your suffering. "

"You what?" Turk instantly snapped, as his face turned to one of fresh horror and disgust.

"You're just sick! Sick in the head, sick in every possible way! Who does something like this?" Carla cried out as she took a step back and inched closer to her husband. "And how do you think it felt? It crushed us! It was like someone had just ripped our hearts out. I've never felt that kind of pain before in my life, nothing, NOTHING compares to the thought of losing your child, that they are in harms way and there is nothing that you can do to protect them. Being without her, physically hurt. You happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear?" She choked out, as a fresh batch of tears appeared underneath her eyelids, though she refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing them fall. What kind of man got off on causing someone that much heartache?

Dan took a deep breathe and just continued to look her in the eyes, before glancing into that of her husbands. Then ever so slowly he turned on his heels and made his way back towards the darkness he had come from. After taking just a few steps, he paused and glanced back over his shoulder to speak to them one last time.

"Then how the hell do you think it felt for Johnny to have to sit there and feel all of that for weeks now! To feel alone… betrayed…To fear for the life of his child, just like you did tonight…. To be so completely powerless to help the one you love so unconditionally." His voice was low, his whole body just sending off this chilling vibe as he paused for perhaps the tenth time that night, just to let what he had said truly sink in. "What you felt then is NOTHING compared to how he felt, how he still feels. Izzy was missing for a few hours, Sammy has been battling for life for over two weeks now. Can you imagine feeling that way for TWO weeks, not hours, but weeks? Then… to top it off your best friends do nothing to help, they don't even care enough to notice that something is wrong? You can hate what I've done all you like, but if giving you just a taster of what my brother is going through, if this is what it takes, then so be it. I hope you all rot in hell."

With that he turned away from them and walked off back down the ally way, a completely blank expression on his face, refusing to give them any more of his time when he wanted nothing else but to return to his brother's side.

* * *

_The truth can be hard to hear, it can be even harder to accept. But when something you have been fighting at the back of your own mind, finally comes to the surface, there's nothing you can do to push the thoughts, the feelings back down inside. Its like opening a can of worms on springs, once the lid is off, there's no way to keep them from exploding out in all sorts of directions._

* * *

Time itself seemed to stand still as the Turks watched Dan slowly disappear from sight, his last words ringing through the air. They danced around them, appeared in 3D before them and smacked them in the face, an evil chuckling emitting from them as they circled the duo over and over.

_Nothing compared to how he felt_

_Battling for life_

_Alone_

_Betrayed_

_Living in fear_

_Powerless_

The words seemed to get louder, bigger and bolder as they physiologically hit them over and over. It went for their faces, their chests, their arms and legs, but most of all their hearts. While their own anger was still very much there, it was almost being drowned out as everything came at them all at once and the weight of the words began to suffocate them.

"Turk?" Carla barely managed to whisper as a single tear escaped down her cheek. But he didn't reply to far lost in his own mind to even hear her. "What have we done?"

* * *

_Which worm's path you follow however, that is under your control_

* * *

**_(A/n) Slightly slower update than before but hope the chapters worth it and the confrontation came out okay! Thanks so much to everyone who is still reading this story_**


	25. Forgiveness

**Chapter 25- Forgiveness **

_Forgiveness is a powerful tool; it has the ability to relinquish feelings of guilt built up inside of a person in an instant. To forgive someone is perhaps the most precious gift that can be given, especially when the crime cuts so deep. It takes so much strength to truly let go of the resentment and hurt which lies in your heart, strength that unfortunately, not many possess. _

_No matter what happens in between there can only really be to two outcomes to an event which requires forgiveness. Either you find away to move forward and let go of the past, or you find it impossible to do so and the only option left is for both parties to just go their separate ways._

_**Permanently. **_

_Forgiveness comes from the heart; you can't control it with logical thinking anymore than you can control water flowing out of a broken dam. It's a feeling that your heart holds, deep inside and try as you might to force it upon yourself, if your heart decides it can't forgive, then it can't forgive. That works both ways however and sometimes you find forgiveness comes at a most unexpected time, even if it has been the furthest thing from your mind._

_You never quite know which way things are going to go, what you can be sure of though is that what ever the inevitable ending, the relationship and people involved will never be the same again. _

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**March 28****th**** 10.42pm **

"John Dorian?" A voice called out from the door way of the relatives' room in the Far East wing, causing the young Doctor to look up and take a deep breathe as he headed towards the man in the white coat. It had been hours since Sammy had been taken down to theatre, at least two more than a regular kidney transplant would take. When JD had last seen his little boy the sun hadn't even started to set, yet now it was pitch black outside with only the stars and street lamps lighting the pathway in and out of the hospital.

To say the young man was rather on edge was the understatement of the century, at first he's just sat there, tapping his foot, then, when Perry told him to knock it off, he began pacing. The pacing soon turned into knuckle cracking, clock watching and phone checking, before he collapsed in the chair exhausted and that was only an hour into the operation.

For the last few he had just sat there, staring at the four walls while his mentor, who surprisingly hadn't left his side since Sammy was taken away, tried to reassure him it wasn't necessarily a bad thing that they hadn't finished yet.

The waiting had left the Doctor plenty of time to think, his mind had briefly been filled with thoughts of Turk and Carla and even Elliot but they were replaced pretty quickly with what kind of colour he should decorate the bathroom. He wasn't even near ready enough to think about his friends, let alone contemplate everything that had happened between them. The one thing he had decided on though, was that no room in his house would ever be white.

While the creator of the family room probably thought sitting in a white area with a clock on the wall while someone you love gets cut open was a good idea, in practice it couldn't make you feel any more adjitated. It was like being trapped in a very bright, bleached smelling box with the constant torture of a ticking clock as you waited for you turn to be released back into the wild. Needless to say, he wasn't having anything like this in a place where he and hopefully Sammy would eventually live. Neither of them needed the constant reminder of uncertainty.

"Yes?" JD replied simply as he followed the man in to the corridor, followed shortly by Dr Cox. They both stood there and studied the newcomer carefully, trying to work out whether it was good or bad news he was about to deliver.

As a doctor you got to know the signs pretty well: if it was bad news, they tended to have this darkened blaze around them, as they geared themselves up to tell the soon to be devastated family, a look of solemn and hesitation already on their faces. If it was good news however, the surgeon would almost seem to bounce on the spot, a small smile already playing on their lips as they clutched the clip board in anticipation. This man however was showing no signs of either, instead he seemed to be studying JD just as hard through his darkened, overly long eyelashes and floppy brown locks.

"Hi, I'm Dr Barry Reid, paediatric specialist of Merseyside hospital. I was called up here to help with your son's case." He said after a moment or two, a soft smile on his face as he tilted his head to the side and knocked the hair from his face, holding his hand out to shake the hand of either of the two men in front of him.

"Reid?" JD instantly repeated, raising an eyebrow in confusion as he glanced down at the man's ID tag whilst returning the gesture and clasping the man's hand in his own.

"Yes … anyway your son has just been taken down to recovery, you'll be pleased to know the operation went well and so far, he's shown no signs of rejection, the kidneys the perfect match. Obviously the next 48 hours are critical but his stats **are good** and we'll be carefully monitoring his urine output to ensure there are no signs of infection." The man replied with a smile as he reached forward and gave JD a pat on the shoulder.

"That's, that's great news… thank you." The thirty year old almost gasped out as he tried to hold back the massive grin that was threatening to break out on his face as tears welled up in his eyes. He knew there was nothing wrong with being happy, but he wasn't sure who exactly the Donor's parents were and didn't want to over do it by jumping in the air with glee, when someone around him was probably grieving for the child they had lost.

"Not a problem, he's a little fighter that lad, which actually brings me on nicely as to why I am here." Barry continued, straightening himself up as he took a few steps over to the seats on the outskirts of the corridor and gestured for the young father to do the same and then sit down. "As I said I'm a paediatric specialist in Merseyside hospital, which resides in New York. My sister, I believe you know her? Elliot?" He paused and waited for JD to nod in confirmation before continuing, ignoring the confused look which was becoming deeper and deeper imbedded into his face. "Well she rang me and explained about your son's condition and asked if I could help. Now after looking over his notes I did a few additional reaction tests and blood work after the surgery and I think I may have a friend who will be able to help him."

"Oh?" JD spluttered, unsure of what was going on or the direction the conversation was going in. He tried to resist the urge to start shouting out 20 questions, like who was he, how could he help Sammy, did this mean he had a higher chance of survival, where did he go to college, would he be able to see his degree before he let him get his hands anywhere near his son?

"His name is Dr Dickenson and he's good, very good in fact. He specialises in the rehabilitation of infants who have developed problems because of trauma, such as the damage to your son's legs. The tests I carried out were to see if he still feels sensations down there and how much stimulus was needed in order to generate that response. Lucky for him, while the premature birth and difficulties that have developed because of that, have caused problems, the nerves were properly developed in gestation. Now Dr Dickenson works on quite a back list of patients but he's a good friend of mine and he has agreed to take Sammy on as soon as he's strong enough to take part in the therapy. Now don't get me wrong, there is no guarantee that this will enable him to walk un-aided but the sooner the therapy- which works though massage, movement and stimulation- starts, the better chance he will have of developing that core strength and control." Barry continued, before he reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card and handed it to the stunned younger man. "He is based in New York and you would have to go to him, but he is the best in the country and I'm telling you, no one can give your son a better chance at leading a relatively normal life than this man can."

JD just sat in a sort of stunned silence as Barry's speech drew to a close. His attention drifting to the small card that was now in his hand and the writing scrawled on the back. He didn't know what to think or even how to actually feel. Completely confused and slightly overwhelmed he glanced from the Doctor in front of him, over to Dr Cox who had remained by the waiting room, listening but not interrupting.

"I don't understand…" He eventually mumbled softly, as he creased his brow even more and looked into the eyes of the man who was looking more and more like Elliot by the second. "Sammy's sick, he can't, he can't travel, he…"

"Is doing just fine" The man interrupted with a soft chuckle, before clicking his fingers at a young nurse, who was waiting further down the corridor. She instantly retrieve a chart from behind her back and hurried towards them and handing it other. "I said his stats were good?" Barry added, as he opened the chart up and placed it down on his lap, once again waiting for JD to confirm this before he continued. "Well his stats are actually very good… better than what they were in fact. It seems, while Sammy's body is weak and it is going to take some time for him to build the strength up that other newborns that aren't premature have, the main problem was his kidney**S.** See after we took the first one out, we noticed a rather strange shape to the second that the scan clearly didn't pick up on; now after cutting into it, we discovered that actually it had a small hole on the inside, which was just about big enough for blood to seep though. Now that blood was forming a lovely little clot around it that was then causing a blockage and preventing the system from functioning properly. After a bit of patch work using some tissue from the other kidney, we were then able to remove the clot. Almost as soon as this happened the colour picked up immediately. Now his original kidney wasn't strong enough to function on its own, but after receiving the donor kidney as well, the two of them are working as a proper little tag team." Barry said in a sing song kind if voice, swaying side to side slightly as he imagined urine doing a little dance between the two organs.

"Okay…" JD mumbled his confusion multiplying, something that the man would later put down to being overly exhausted and being on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster for the past few weeks.

"In other words" Barry said with a laugh as he turned the chart over and allowed JD to read the vital information printed on the front. "Barring no other complications and naturally giving him a few weeks to build his strength up, he should be able to get out of here in no time. The kidneys were what was making him so vulnerable, remove one, fix the other and give him someone else's and hey presto, we have one, probably about 80% give or take, almost healthy baby."

If JD had have been holding the chart he was reading, he would probably have dropped it as his eyes shot up from it and his jaw dropped, within seconds Dr Cox was by his side, clamping his hand on the mans shoulder, as if to snap him out of a trance and stop him collapsing there and then. Soon enough words like "That's great news" we're being thrown the air but JD could barely register them, as he tried to take in what had just been said. As if sensing this, Barry spoke up once again.

"Sammy is going to be fine! Not perfect, he's still got a fight for those legs, he will have to be on anti rejections and we'll obviously have to monitor his heart but otherwise, he will be as healthy as he can get." He clarified; as he watched the young man's facial expressions go from shock, to happiness, to fear, to relief to something else. Every emotion he could have possibly be feeling was swarming though him like a bee on a mission to find a honey tree.

"He's going to be okay?" JD said softly his voice breaking as he almost choked on the words, his breathing becoming quite uneven.

"I would say so; you wouldn't believe the difference that operations just made to him. Everything's perked up. As I said he's gunna have to stay in hospital a while yet as he's not quite strong enough to be without medical care and we need to ensure he doesn't decide to reject that kidney, but I'd start decorating that nursery if I was you." Barry said with a smile as he made to get up and handed the chart back to the nurse.

"Thank you!" JD stuttered out as he jumped to his feet, his eyes wide as he took a few deep breathes to try and get his feelings under control in order to try and think, and perhaps speak logically. His eyes wondered from Barry's over to Dr Cox's once again, who could only smile down encouragingly at the man he could no longer deny was a friend.

"You don't have to thank me, I'd do anything for my little sister and she'd apparently do anything for you." Barry said softly as he placed his hands in his lab coat pockets. "Before I descend, Elliot wanted me to ask would it be okay if she came to talk to you tomorrow. She knows she's screwed up and you probably don't want to talk to her, but she wants you to know that if you do want to see her, she will be here. She would have come today but knew you would be struggling enough as it is and didn't want to add to your stress… So can I tell her yes?"

For a moment, JD didn't so much as react, his eyes darkening over, but before he could stop himself, he was nodding vigorously, the life line card still grasped tightly in his hand as he tried to steady his breathing and stop the tears of fear and joy from escaping his eyes.

"Yes."

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_Sometimes people do bad things, things that can't possibly be forgiven, sometimes people turn their backs when you need them most. But, sometimes people manage to make up for them and do something so unbelievable that the ill feelings you felt towards them just melt away._

_Because really how could you be mad at someone who indirectly just gave your son the best shot at life that he could get._

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**(A/N) peek a boo! Still writting! Just slowly! Hope everyone had a fab christmas and a happy new year! Hope you all liked the chapter too, wasnt where i was planning on going when i started this but think it worked.**

**Is there anything people would like to see happen, resolved, brought up over the next few chapters?**


	26. Consequences

**Chapter 26- ****Consequences**

_If you look in any dictionary, Consequences are described as being '__Something that logically or naturally follows from an action or condition.' All Actions therefore have a consequence, those consequences may be something as small as losing out on your favorite dessert, or gaining a little weight after stuffing yourself full of said dessert. However on the other side of the scale, if an action isn't properly thought through, it can lead to a much bigger cost, like the loss of someone you care about. Even something as simple as picking a flower can have ramifications that nobody in a thousand years could have predicted. _

_That's the problem with life, no one really stops for long enough to think about the repercussions of their actions. It's a human flaw, that even if people vow to change, can never truly be dealt with. Instinct forces you to act a certain way and it's built into most people's brain's to be selfish, to do what they feel like at the time and worry about the __consequences of it later. Even the most selfless person, can suffer from a poor outcome, there is just nothing you can do about it._

_**Actions have consequences, end of story.**_

_When I was little I used to think of consequences as a little bald man, wondering around the earth, pointing his wand at someone who he felt was in the wrong._ _Now I'm older, I'm a little wiser on that fact thankfully, but at the same time, who's to say that isn't exactly what happens._

_Losing the woman you love, having to sit back and watch your baby fight for its life as your friends are too wrapped up in their own lives to notice, obviously has its consequences. Of course it does, why would I have wasted the last few minutes thinking about consequences if it didn't. The problem with the 'c' word however is, that no matter how much you think you might know what they will be, and how the results of it may change you, it's all just guess work and when it really comes down to it, you often find out the consequences of an event have a bigger impact and take your life in a completely different direction than you ever could have imagined. _

**March 29th****11.17pm**

"JD? Is it alright if I come in?" Elliot said softly as she tapped briefly on the wards door and poked her head around it. Her voice was soft and caring, her eyes, sympathetic and warm with a small pool of regret and uncertainty flowing in the iris. She wanted nothing more than to run full pelt over to her friend and wrap her arms around him. She refrained from doing so however, knowing their relationship was no longer at that point and to be honest, she doubted it would be again.

JD simply nodded, not bothering to turn around and welcome the new comer. Instead he sat in the same spot he had been for the last 15 days and stared at the little incubator in front of him, watching as his son slept soundly, his little fist gripping hold of the sheets around him, oblivious to what was going on in the world.

" I brought Sammy a gift" She continued as she hesitantly walked into the room and over to the man she once dreamed of marrying. " I ran into Jordan and she mentioned that you hadn't had time to go out and really buy him anything yet.. which is totally understandable given the circumstances ...obviously... but it said in this children's book, they respond to bright colors, so I just thought ... I brought him a few things."

When it became apparent that he wasn't going to react, Elliot took a deep breath and forced herself to close the gap between them, so she was standing next to the infant and his father. She then pulled the Thomas the tank engine gift bag out from behind her back and placed it in the chair next to him. When JD still didn't respond, she bit her lip, squeezed her eyes shut for a second to really make her body oblige with the commands her brain was yelling at her, before moving forward once again and starting to empty the bag.

She was trying her hardest not to let her nerves show and force her hands to stop shaking as she ever so carefully, took one item from the bag at a time.

"So I got him this little blue bear, because what boy doesn't like blue, and some little rubber jangly keys, which I know he can't really play with yet, but he will do. Oh and this cute little new born baby grow with unicorns on it, cus I know you love them and he will look so adorable in it and what's cuter than a baby dressed as a unicorn, nothing right? They're both have magical healing powers… oh and I also bought a pair of socks, because well, they're socks, look how tiny they are and…"

"Elliot. Stop." JD suddenly spoke out, shaking his head as he leant forward and rested it in his hands. For a moment, silence fell upon them, till JD gathered the strength to sit up and look towards the blonde. "What do you want?" He asked simply, figuring he may as well get this whole awkward situation over with before the woman gave him one massive headache.

"To meet your son." She replied quietly, the pitch of her voice dropping to a less ear splinting frequency. "To talk to you, to apologize for being a complete jackass." She continued, as she let out a soft sigh and took a glance towards the other doctor. JD instantly looked away and leant back in his chair, trying his hardest not to look back over to her. With a sigh Elliot readjusted her position in the chair and reached over and stroked little Sammy's arm. "God, he's so tiny."

"Yeah... they tend to be when they are born before they are due, if 6 years as a doctor hasn't taught you that by now, you may want to rethink your career path." The man replied rather dryly with a roll of his eyes. He honestly wasn't trying to be rude, he just didn't know how to react, how to feel about the person who was one of his best friends. Could he even still call her that? Especially since he didn't know if he even still wanted her to be.

During the night he had thought, a lot, about her upcoming visit, about everything that had happened during the last few weeks, about what she had managed to arrange for little Sammy, even about their relationship and all the ups and downs it had had. He thought about the shitty things he had done to her over the years, splitting her and Sean up and then dumping her a week later wasn't really one of his smartest moves. Still, despite all this, he wasn't any closer to working out where the events which had been playing out this time, had left the two of them. All he did know was that it was awkward, very very awkward and it shouldn't be, they had been so close for so many years and had gotten through so much. Even when he had broken her heart, it didn't feel like this.

"Okay I deserved that... and probably a lot more." Elliot replied sadly, scratching at her hand nervously as she tried to think of the right words to say. For a while they both just sat, staring at the little baby in front of them, watching his chest raise and fall, neither knowing what to say or where to really begin.

Elliot, opened and closed her mouth a few times, looking very much like a fish, as she tried her hardest to get the words out that were on the tip of her tongue, but not wanting to make the situation any worse by saying the wrong thing. Things were so quiet you could hear the clock on the wall ticking, and the little machines, monitoring Sammy's urine output, bleeping away. Eventually she gathered the courage and began to talk, anything was better than the silence.

" Okay… let's just get on with this." She said softly, turning her whole attention and body towards the man in the chair. " I truly am sorry…we used to be so close and I know we've drifted apart these last few months, but I also know that's no excuse for the way I acted and treated you. I should have known something was wrong, hell if I'm honest a part of me did, but I was just so wrapped up in my own little world and everything with Keith that I just couldn't bring myself to think too much about it. I should have I know that, and if I could turn back time I would, but I can't. All I can say, JD, is that I will do anything to make this up to you. I haven't regretted anything this much in my life, to even think about how upset and hurt you must have been, how worried about your son, Kim… it just… I never want you to feel like that again. I know I can't make this right, not over night and I will understand if you can never forgive me.. but just so you know, I'm here, I'm your friend, whether you need to hate me right now or not, just know you're not alone. Any help you need, day or night I will be there in a heartbeat., I promise… If you want to talk, I'll listen, if you want to scream and shout, then I will take it…. I just, I want to make this right."

Elliot paused after that, unsure of how to continue or phase all the things she wanted to say. Was there any point, if JD really didn't want to hear what she had to say. Elliot was just about to stand up and get ready to excuse herself when she saw the young man begin to move.

Taking a deep breath, JD turned to look the woman in the eyes for the first time since she entered the room. He really did need to hear that and he couldn't help the single tear that rolled down his face. It didn't particularly help, it didn't make anything magically better in the slightest, but still he needed to hear it. He needed to hear something, anything from the friends who had become more like strangers.

"The New York doctor's a good start." He mumbled quietly before shrugging as Elliot gave him a small amused smile. It broke the tension in the room slightly and she felt herself relax back down in the chair, her calves sending her a silent thanks at no longer being placed in a fleeing position.

"I thought it might be, I know its so far away, but Sammy deserves the best, you, deserve the best and that's him, he can do so much for that little boy, give him a real shot and hey, what's the point of being private practice if you can't call in a few hundred favors every now and then." She replied, elbowing him slightly in the arm as she swayed towards him in a light gesture.

"I don't know about me deserving the best, but thank you." JD replied roughly, trying to keep his emotions in check and force the feeling of complete numbness away from him. He didn't want to yell at her, didn't want to scream and tell her to leave him alone, but that didn't mean he was at all ready to accept the jokey playfulness back into their relationship. Not by a long shot, not yet.

"Well I do, you're an amazing person JD and an amazing friend, I wouldn't be the person I am without you. You're going to make such a great father and that little boy is going to love you, more than he loves anybody else." She continued, the normal flirty expression dropping from her face as she forced herself back into serious mode.

"Except for how he would love Kim. She would have been a great mum, she loved him so much, took all these classes to prepare herself. God, how can I do this? How can I raise him alone? I don't even know how to change a diaper. What if I'm not enough for him?" JD replied, a shot of panic raising through him, he'd been so focused on just willing him to live and the joy when he was told he was going to be okay, that he never once thought about what would happen after. What would he do when he was able to take him home, how was he going to care for him and juggle work, would he even be able to meet his needs. Hell his apartment wasn't even nearly ready yet, there was still paint cans in the nursery because they hadn't decided on a colour.

"You will learn, like all first time parents do and you will never be alone! You have me, you have your brother, you have your mum and Dr Cox, Tur… you have so many people who will support you both and even if you didn't, you're his father and that's always going to be enough!" Elliot said softly as she reached over and placed her hands on his knees, giving them a small squeeze.. "JD look at me, the most important thing is you do your best, sure he will miss his mummy and the light she could bring to his life, but he will LOVE the fact he has you, that this great doctor, this kind, loving person with one hell of a story telling imagination, is his father. He's going to feel so lucky to have you. And sure we all make mistakes once in a while, but he will forgive you ever time, because he will know just how much you love him."

"I hope so, it's not fair that he's lost her. That he will never have a mother-son bond with her." JD spoke out, just as soft, the slight panic that has arisen before being drowned out at Elliot's words. She was right, he could do this, he had to do this. That was his son, his baby boy and that was all that mattered.

"No its not, but his daddy is going to give him the best life he possibly can. What more could he ask for." Elliot continued, her arms leaving his knees and working their way round so one was over his shoulder in a half hug, willing him to believe her.

"Yeah I am.." JD mumbled, his brow creasing in concentration as his eyes drifted back to his son. She was right again, he would give I'm the best possible life, he would make damm sure that that little boy got every opportunity in the world even if it killed him. It was then, at that very moment he realized it didn't matter what state the apartment was in, or the colour of the walls because he knew what he had to do."Because I'm going to move to new York." He said, his voice louder and full of more determination than he had felt in a while.

"…What?"

"I never once thought of leaving this place, I love it here, but if this doctor is in New York, then for as long as Sammy needs him, that's where I have to be isnt it? I know moving with a new born isn't the easiest of choices, but right now he's relying on me to make these decisions, to put him and his quality of life first and that's one thing I'm not screwing up." JD continued, his eyes almost burning as all the new possibilities, fears and plans started swirling in his head. He could do this, for Sammy he could do this. He would find a place, a nice little place, near a park, so they could still get lots of fresh air. He'd find a job with good day care in a few months, or maybe get a day sitter, someone who could give Sammy one to one care. But then… no he wanted him to have friends, mix with other babies, so he developed social skills. Maybe that would be something he should discuss with the Doctor, on which one would be better for Sammy's health and wellbeing. He would go with whatever he thought best and then, even if Sammy didn't gain full mobility back in his legs, he would make sure he was the most confident toddler and as proud of himself as he could be. Even if it didn't help, at least he could say he did everything in his power to help his son.

"And that is exactly why you will make a great father." Elliot pointed out with a sad, but happy for him kind of smile. "But… JD he doesn't have to start seeing him for a couple of months, you don't have to decide what you're doing now or leave any time soon."

"There's no decision to make, it's what he needs, so thanks to you, it's what he will get…" JD stated as he stood up and leant over the little boys cot, as a small babble alerted them both to the fact he had awoken.

Reaching down and picking the child up with care, the young man smiled to himself as he watched the infant stick his tongue out and look up at him with big blue eyes. For the first time, looking like he had the strength to move the body parts which were in his control. "My amazing baby boy." He chanted lovingly, shaking his head slightly as he reached over and ran his finger down his sons nose. "We're gunna have an adventure and a half as soon as your strong enough to leave."

Elliot couldn't help the 'awww' that escaped her lips as she placed a hand over her heart and really took in the scene in front of her. Without the young man noticing, she reached into her pocket , pulled out her phone and took what she considered the most adorable picture ever.

" You know, I'm just a skype call away any time you want to chat." She reassured, placing her phone back in her top and vowing to go and get it printed.

"I haven't left yet you know." JD Joked, glancing up to the blonde with a little grin on his face and a glint in his eye, causing the other to shake her head and nudge him slightly.

"You know what I mean." She huffed, rolling her eyes before turning around, picking the little bear up she had brought with her and waving it near Sammy's face, then bopping him gently with the soft paw.

"Yeah… yeah I do."

_As I said the consequences of events and actions aren't ever anything you can predict. But that's not to say they necessarily always have to be a bad thing. _

**(A/N) hey all! Thanks so much for all the reviews! I will reply to them all individually when I have a free second but for now, I hope u liked this new chapter! **

**Dun DUn DUN**

**So there was the Elliot confrontation scene. What did you all think?**


	27. His story

_**Chapter 27- His story**_

_When you have known someone for over 12 years you tend to think that you know them. Know what they like, what they hate, and what gets them angry. Even the things that leave them crying a pool of happy tears. Mainly you tend to think you know how they are going to react when certain events transpire, because you've experienced so many situations with them and the measures that follow, that really its only second nature to anticipate their next actions and 99 percent of the time, you get it right. When you have been best friends for such a long time, then you are pretty damn sure that you can indentify every single aspect of their personality without so much as having to take a single second to think about it._

_Sometimes however things change, people grow apart and despite how much you fight it, you find the person you once spent every waking minute with is now a stranger. That there's a side to them that you never even knew existed and it quickly defines your whole relationship, shifting the draw bridges so much that sometimes it leads to no other option but to shut them down. Sometimes permanently._

_For when wars began back in ancient times, the king had to protect his kingdom, his family and sometimes the only way to do that, was by shutting of access to the fortress, severing its ties with the lower land despite the connection to the people within it. He may not have wanted it, he may think it's only a temporary measure, but at the end of the day, blood, will always be thicker than water. And when family needs you, they take priority over every other relationship in your life, when they are hurt and in need of protection, they become your world and there is little room for the people who are not connected by that bond. _

_You may think that last part is me referring to Turks relationship with me, me shutting him out after everything that had happened and making my son my number one priority. In a way you would be right in thinking that, but the clever people, the ones on the outside looking in, with no emotional attachment to the situation may think differently. For every story has two sides, two stories will always run together side by side until the day they collide._

**5 months previously…**

"Oh for goodness sake Turk! I asked you to do one little thing for me, to take care of our daughter for one measly afternoon and you can't even do that." Carla ranted, as she threw yet another load of washing in the machine while trying to balance a fussing Izzy on her hip. The youngster had just started learning to crawl and the new mother had discovered very quickly that it was impossible to get work done and take care of her daughter at the same time. Especially as you couldn't take your eye of her for a second, encase her hand ended up in a kitchen cupboard or she was stuffing something that wasn't a stuffed toy in her mouth.

"Oh give me a break, JD is going through some stuff right now, Kim's just found out she's pregnant and he's freaking out. I didn't say I wouldn't watch her, I'll just take her with me. He needs help looking for a new place and needs someone to talk to, I can't just abandon him." Turk threw back at his wife, as he glanced around the room. He had to admit, the original reason this whole argument had begun, was well justified. The apartment was a mess, there were clothes and toys and bits of hospital paper work everywhere and Izzy had just managed to spill her lunch over a nurses schedule Carla had been working on all day. They had been meaning to baby proof the place before Izzy was even born, but with one thing after another, they had never gotten around to it. Now she was crawling and getting into everything and with their jobs, neither of the Turks had time to keep on top of things like housework.

"But you promised, and I know your idea of helping JD involves the two of you playing your stupid games! Climbing on each other's shoulders, spinning around like lunatics, playing pranks, which by the way, will end up with someone being hurt one of these days! I'm sorry but I'm not willing to risk that person being Isabella!" Carla continued, brushing her rather tangled hair behind her ears as she slammed the washing machines door shut and hit the start button. She was well and truly exhausted, when she was on maternity leave, she could at least have kept up with the laundry and other bits and piexes around the house, but with working full time she just didn't have the energy to do that anymore, to be a nurse and an active mother. Money was so tight they had to fire the nanny and enroll Izzy at the hospitals day care room, meaning she couldn't even ask the woman who had helped them out with a few things in the past to do the odd bit of tidying. It was times like this she really wished her mother was still alive at least she would understand what she was going though.

"I would never put our child in danger? How could you even think that?" Turk responded absolutely horrified. He instantly charged into the kitchen and blocked the pathway out, staring at his wife with accusing eyes as he demanded answers. Of all the things she could have said, that had to have been the lowest.

"I'm not saying you would, not intentionally, but everything is a danger to her right now, she's sticking everything she finds in her mouth! What if you're so busy planning your next prank, that you don't see her grab a pen and she ends up with ink poisoning? Or you put her down for a second and she crawls off? it's not safe!" She cried, frustrated that he couldn't see the world the way she was. She wasn't being a cow for no reason and hated the fact he couldn't see past his need to be with JD to think about all the things that could happen if they weren't careful enough.

Back when Carla had first started dating Turk and even for a while after, their child like friendship and bond had fascinated and amused her to no end. After they got married, she pretty much accepted the fact that things weren't going to change between them and they were always going to act like idiots around each other. And that was okay! Really at the time it was, but now she had Izzy, things were just different, she had to think like a parent and she needed her husband to as well.

" Carla…"

"No don't 'Carla' me, like I'm being paranoid, look at this place Turk, really look at it! You're a surgeon, you have been at the hospital seeing what accidents happen first hand for years now. Look around, look at the floor, look at the walls, look at everything and tell me not one of them could end up somehow hurting our daughter. How many parents have rushed in, crying for help because their baby swallowed something? How many just took their eye of the ball for a second and ended up sitting in intensive care, praying for their child's life?"

Rolling his eyes, Turk did what he was told and turned around. Only for the first time since his baby had been born he really looked and felt realization dawn on him as his eyes zoomed in at their surroundings. The left over hair from the last time JD came around and they gave rowdy a bath, the unsecured TV, which anyone could knock into and cause it to go flying, the vase on the coffee table, just within his daughters reach and the tiny little bowls Carla had bought when they first moved in together, which suddenly morphed into the perfect size to fit into a child's mouth.

The wallpaper on the walls was starting to tear, another thing she could eat, the wires sticking out all over the place, something which would look so inviting for someone so young. The uncovered plugs where little fingers could get a not so little lesson, the list went on. It took a few minutes but ever so slowly Turk gulped as his attention shifted back to his exhausted wife and child, who was still crying as she tried to reach out to pull at her mother's hair, trying her hardest to wriggle down to the ground.

"Okay…Why don't I spend the day sorting all of this out, so we can have a happy baby who can actually play with her toys and you go and have a bath or nap, or whatever you need to do." Turk said softly after a second of hesitation, earning himself a relived smile from his wife.

"Thank you" She mouthed as she took a step forward and placed a gentle kiss on the corner of his mouth, just the way she knew he liked it. Holding his arms out, Turk took the squirming infant from her mother and started 'airoplaning' her through the air as a distraction as Carla left the room. As soon as she was out of sight, Turk ceased what he was doing and sighed, shifting the baby into one arm and reaching for his cell phone with his spare. It was going to be a long day.

**3 months previously…**

"Are you alright?"Carla called out to her husband in concern as she walked into the staff room, only to see him sitting on the couch staring blankly at the TV that wasn't even switched on. If he didn't look like someone who had just been slapped in the face by a fish, she thought she'd probably have been the first person to point out how crazy he looked right now, almost as if he was expecting the TV to come alive. If she was being completely honest with herself, if JD was in the room she wouldn't have put it past them to be thinking up some elaborate scheme where that actually did happen.

"I just got off the phone with my brother, my mum's been admitted to hospital." Turk replied solemnly, rubbing his hands together nervously as he ground his teeth together, trying to control the way ward emotions which were trying to break out.

"Oh no baby, What happened?" She asked almost instantly, taking a seat beside him and resting her closest hand on his knee to try and offer a small amount of comfort.

"Apparently a neighbor found her walking around their garden disorientated at 3 o clock this morning. She collapsed before he could even get her inside." Turk replied with a shaking breathe, placing one of his hands on top of hers, while the other instantly reached towards the small Saint Christopher chain around his neck. He hadn't prayed properly in a while, things had been so hectic with Izzy lately that he found he just didn't have the time to take a few moments to speak to God, but by god he was praying now.

His mother meant the absolute world to him and just the thought that something could be seriously wrong with her, made his blood run cold. His whole skin was itching, feeling like something was trying to claw its way out as nothing but pure dread filled the pit of his stomach. They had always been lucky, in all of his years as a surgeon, even when he was in med school, no one in his family had really been taken ill. Hearing about it as a professional, made the whole thing just seem so much worse. He knew the absolute worst case scenarios and they were all currently playing around in his head.

"That doesn't sound good."Carla spoke quietly, rubbing his thigh reassuringly as she reached over and wrapped her other arm around his shoulders. If there was one thing she hated, it was her superman looking so helpless.

"No…"

"Hey, hey baby look at me, it will be alright! She's a Turk remember, you lot can pull through anything."

He could only just bring himself to nod.

**2 months previously…**

Closing the door to the women's locker room quietly behind him, Turk carefully stepped inside, squinting as he glanced around, making doubly sure no one but his wife was currently getting changed inside. The last thing he needed was a complaint being made about him being in there… again.

"They found her a match, she's having surgery first thing tomorrow morning." He said softly, causing Carla to jump slightly, as she pulled her pink scrub top over her head and turned around to face her husband.

"That's brilliant news!" She cried out, throwing the dirty clothes to the floor and rushing to wrap her man in an warm embrace. They stayed that way for a few minutes, breathing in each other's scents and just taking comfort in the skin to skin contact. "We should take Izzy to go and see her."

Breaking away from her, Turk slowly let his arms fall from around her and allowed Carla the chance to pick up a normal top and finish getting dressed. He had to admit, a part of him desperately wished she could stay as she was, giving him the perfect view of the girls he hadn't seen for a while unless his daughter's lips were attached to one of them.

"Yeah, I know she would enjoy that, she can't stop talking about her little granddaughter." He replied, taking a step back and taking a seat as he just watched Carla moving about the room. In his eyes, she became more and more beautiful as the days past, she'd been his rock the last month and he honestly did not know how he would have got through the worry without her.

"Have you told JD yet? I know he'd want to help anyway he could." She continued, running her hands through her curls in an attempt to tame it before she closed her locker door and reached for her bag. She never did understand why Turk had insisted on not telling his best friend what was going on. JD was the most sensitive person she knew, he would have been all over the man in minutes, running himself into the ground to try and make sure everything was okay.

" No, no I haven't, I know I said I was going to, but I haven't really seen much of him since Izzy was born and he's in a good place right now and has Kim to take care of. It seems wrong to burden him with this when it could all be fine in a few days, besides he'd only want to come with me and he's needed here. Especially now."

Standing up, he opened his arm out and invited Carla in. Smirking slightly to herself, the nurse shook her head before closing the gap between them and placing a small peak on his lips, unable to resist.

"What do you mean by that." She said softly, her lips still touching his as she moved in for something a bit more intimate.

"Kim's just not been looking to good recently, she almost fainted yesterday in surgery. As much as I 'd love to talk to him, I think his attention is needed elsewhere." He clarified, a crease forming on his brow as he thought back to the previous day's events. He knew being a surgeon and being on your feet all day while pregnant couldn't be the easiest thing, but he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something not right about the whole thing. She had been looking paler by the day, where as he was sure the opposite had happened when Carla was with child. He had tried a few times to bring it up with her, but had been told in no uncertain terms to mind his own business.

"Oh? Hope she's okay."

"Ahhh don't worry about it, I'm sure she's fine, she's taking an early maternity leave soon anyway."

**Three weeks previously…**

"Hey Kim!" Turk called out as he saw a familiar bob of blonde hair sitting on a park bench as he pushed Izzy in her stroller. He had been planning to take the little girl to go and feed the ducks for weeks now and had finally had some time off where he could do just that. Add in the fact it was a gorgeous day and the timing really couldn't have been better.

The blonde surgeon instantly turned around and flashed a small smile in the direction of her co-worker, rubbing her hand soothingly over her expanding belly as she attempted to maneuver enough to see him comfortably.

"Hey, on daddy duty today I see." She replied, waving happily at the little baby dressed in the cutest pink dress she had ever seen. God she couldn't wait for the day she would get to dress her child up in some of the outfits she had passed in mother care earlier that week. There was the cutest little ducky outfit she was pretty much convinced her son was going to be spending most of his baby phase in.

"You know it, what you doing out here?" He asked as he pushed the stroller slightly closer so the pregnant surgeon didn't have to strain her head so much.

"JD asked me to meet him here when his shifts over, thought I'd get here early seeing as it's such a nice day and just enjoy the view." She replied, the rubbing of her belly increasing in pace slightly as she tried to hide the fact the baby inside was causing her some discomfort.

" Oh that's cool…. are you okay?" He called out, the frequency of his voice going up a pitch as he noticed her wincing and her hand firmly pressing on her lower abdomen. Sure he'd delivered babies before, but the kid of your best friend and someone you worked with who wasn't even due yet would be just too weird. "You're not in labor are you?"

" Oh god no, I'm not due for a while yet! He's just doing summersaults in there… don't tell JD that one though, he'll be signed up for dance classes before he can even walk." She joked, biting her lip slightly as she shuffled around on the bench, her breathing deep and uneven, as if she was struggling to catch her breath the way a runner would after a marathon.

" You sure?" He probed, taking in the woman's appearance fully, worry evident on his face as he noticed similar symptoms that had appeared just before she collapsed in theater not that long ago.

"Mmmm, I'm fine. Go enjoy your walk… just don't mention this to JD okay, he'll only panic over nothing."

With a small, unconvinced nod, Turk turned and walked away, stopping to glance back at the woman every few strides, unconvinced if he should really leave her alone or not. When Kim noticed what he was doing, she forced a laugh, shook her head and gave him one final shooing motion with her hands. In the end he just shrugged his shoulders and headed down to the pond, figuring he would mention it to her midwife tomorrow morning just to be on the safe side.

**A few days previously…**

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NOO! It can't be true! I don't believe it!" Turk screamed, running through the hospital corridors like a mad man, the words, Kim, dead and 2 weeks circling around and around in his brain. He went from floor to floor, from nurse to doctor to surgeon to some random gift shop worker, asking, no demanding someone tell him it wasn't true. That Kim wasn't dead.

"Kim can't be dead!" He full on screamed, a blind panic flushing through him as he struggled to control his breathing. He knew deep down he was acting like someone who needed locking up, that he was quite frankly scaring half the patients on the wards, but he just didn't care. This black hole seemed to have been released inside of him and second by second it was growing to the point his whole body was starting to feel empty.

Eventually he had charged past Doug who was watching him through horrified eyes as he threw himself into the M.R.I room and shoved the pathologist against the wall, holding him by this throat and demanding to know if he knew that Kim had died giving birth and why no one had thought to tell him this.

"Awww is Mr. Untouchable, a bit upset." The janitor called out, walking into the room with a smirk and calmly grabbing hold of the surgeons hands and forcing him to let the smaller man go.

"Its not true…" Turk mumbled slowly, as he let loosened his grip completely on Frankies lab coat, watching with glazed eyes as the man ran out of the room, muttering something about him being a complete nut job.

"Ahh but I'm afraid it is, Little Sam Perry Dorian was born just under two weeks ago. JD and me had a nice little chat not long after it happened and as it turns out, he's not too fond of you right now. In fact I'd go so far as to say he's going to be offering me the title of godfather very soon, if the kid pulls through that is." The janitor taunted, his grin widening as he saw the look of total despair that appeared on the man's face.

At that point Turk just felt his voice leave him as he sank into a pit of despair. The agonizing guilt being too much for him to process as his brain tried to shut everything down, block it out to allow him to cope better with it. He'd known, he'd known something was wrong but he had done nothing.

"Oh god" He thought to himself. "What have I done."

_Of course, I didn't know all of this until much later._

**_(A/N) Hi, its been a while :') Okay now im just avoiding the big turk/JD talk but i hpe this helps to explain Turks behaviour a little. Thanks to everyone whose still reading this fic, like four years on 3 Hope you all liked the chapter_**


	28. Strangers

**Chapter 28- Strangers**

_It had been three days, three days since Elliot had turned up at the hospital and four since the transplant had taken place. In that time she had been texting me every hour, calling by after her shift with food and to chat about the happenings over at sacred heart. Though it was starting to get a bit annoying, I would be lying if I said I didn't really appreciate it deep down. Sammy was going from strength to strength, his stats remaining strong and showing no signs of rejecting his new organ. His left foot even gave a small twitch when I was tickling it one afternoon, I had practically gone to Doctor Cox screaming in excitement over that one._

_I was even told he may be able to be discharged within the next week if things continue the way they are. Everything just seemed to be falling into place, the only thing that did nag at the back of my mind was that I still hadn't heard from Turk. Despite how mad I was at him, despite how much a part of me hated him for the way things had gone between us, it seemed the less I needed to worry about Sammy's health and overall future, the more time I had to think about him and Carla._

_I couldn't deny it anymore, the fact they weren't here, after finding out about Sammy and Kim, really hurt. I really did think that they would at least come and talk to me, that the last, god only knows how many years of friendship wasn't going to be thrown down the drain. At this stage, I just want to know why? Why they were acting this way and how things had changed so much that we were now practically strangers._

_Sure things with Elliot were strained and awkward as hell, but at least she was making a real effort to make up for everything that had happened, as it turned out, more so than I even knew..._

"Right people listen up!" Elliot Reid called out, clapping her hands together and drawing everyone's attention towards her as she entered the ward and made her way over to the nurses station. Brushing her long blonde hair out of her face, she pulled out a brown envelope from her lab coat pocket and spun around to face the occupants of the room, waving it in the air in the process. "By the end of the day, I expect this to be full of your hard earned cash. No one leaves this hospital for the night without contributing. JD and his son need all the help they can get and by God we're going to give it to them."

The interns, attendings, residents and nursing staff all raised their eyebrows and shared looks between them in response to that and there was a small mumbling of voices heard, not one voice distinguishable in the crowd over another. No one attempted to reach into their wallets, they knew since she had gone private practise, the female doctor had become a bit more ballsy than she used to be, but there was just this tone to her voice that no one was used to. The usual high pitched squeak was gone, replaced by a calm, collective and authoritive, mature one that you just would not have expected from her. As much as they liked JD, they just weren't sure how to react to the whole situation.

"Yo, I'm not giving you a choice in this, cash in the 'lope, now!" She continued, handing it over to the closest person to her, with a look on her face which just dared them to try and refuse it. The nurse hesitantly reached into his scrubs pocket and placed a note inside before pushing it on to the person next to him, his eyes not breaking eye contact with the blonde for even a second.

"Good! Now Doug..." She started, her attention instantly turning to the young mortician who was sucking on a lollypop to her left. His eyes instantly widening as he swallowed with a nervous gulp. " I know you were involved with everyone's little trick on Carla the other day and any other retaliation plans you lot may have cooked up, are, as of this second, officially over. Now, go and get the Janitor and your little brain trust group so you can do something a bit more productive to help JD." With that, she reached into her pocket again and pulled out a folded piece of paper. Handing it to the confused young man along with a small grey key, she smiled and with a flick of her hand sent him on his way.

Doug, after almost dropping the piece of metal, nodded quickly and scooted out of the ward as fast as he could, succeeding in knocking into none less than four separate people, in his hurry to leave.

"KEITH, did you do as I asked?" Elliot called out, after watching the worst Doctor in the world run into a gurney and go flying head first towards the stair case. Rolling her eyes as a muffled 'I'm okay' was heard seconds after it crashed with the banister, she quickly turned her attention back to the group in front of her.

Jumping forward from the slowly dispersing crowd, the eager to please intern proudly smiled to himself and nodded.

"The pole will be here on Monday..." He replied, grinning as he thought about all the fun they were no doubt going to have with their new toy when it arrived. He had been begging her for weeks to think about getting one, even promising he would be the first one of the two to try it out and put on a show.

"The other thing Keith!" She interrupted rather quickly, fighting back the blush which was threatening to explode all over her face. It wouldn't work to be seen to be embarrassed when she was trying out this new, confident, grown up and assertive Elliot.

"oh... Yes." He hurriedly answered, glancing around uneasily as the few remaining people around him attempted to hide their amusement and shuffled slightly further away, about five seconds away from spreading the latest bit of gossip all over the hospital.

"Good, JD's brother will be outside waiting, go give him a lift." She replied offhandedly as she reached for her patients chart and began reading over the notes taken from the previous nights rounds.

"Elliot I'm a doctor not a..." Whatever he was going to say was quickly silenced as the attending glanced up from her paper work and simply glared at him. Within seconds the young man was gone, causing the woman he was engaged to, to shake her head, brush down her scrub top before getting back down to business. Grabbing the nearest pen, she began scribbling down all the necessary information to ready the guy for discharge, satisfied that he'd improved enough over the last few days to not to need to stay on the ward.

Within seconds she was on to the next chart, going through her patients list, one case at a time and ensuring they were all fairing up well and the necessary tests and treatments were all being carried out accordingly. When she was finally done, given out her orders to passing nurses on what still needed doing and had the now bulging envelope back in her hands, she allowed herself a few moments to just stop and breathe. She was determined to help her friend in any way she could but that didn't stop the insecure voice inside her from screaming all sorts of things about being a selfish failure . She needed just those few moments to concentrate on forcing the voices to the back of her head and locking them back in their box in the darkest corners of her mind. She was so caught up within her own head at the point that she didn't even notice Dr Cox approaching her.

"Kick ass barbie's back then." He muttered, his face deadpan as he stopped besides her, placing his own chart back in the filling stacks and picking up another one.

"You bet she is." She replied, succeeding in covering up the fact he pretty much made her jump out of her skin. Boy would he have a field day if he realised that one, she would never hear the end of it.

"Good, your much more...almost likeable when you're like this." He responded with a smirk, almost managing to sound completely un sarcastic. Elliot just looked at him through confused eyes, unsure on how to take that. Dr Cox giving someone an almost complement was completely unheard of. Though when she took a second to think about it, he had been acting a little bit softer in certain situations for a while now.

"Thanks... I think... Where are Turk and Carla?" She eventually replied with a shake of her head, putting her hands on the nurse's station work top and leaning against it, studying the older man carefully. It was no secret that he pretty much hated anyone who he came into contact with and up until recently his like of JD was the one thing he would have taken to his grave denying. It was strange, thinking how he was the one person there for him, how he kept going back to that hospital on the other side of town, even now to make sure he was okay. She knew that things could change, that people could change, but looking at him now, she realised nothing actually had, he was the same old person he had always been, he'd just been forced to step up in a way he never expected. What was most surprising however was just how well he had adapted to the role, probably more so than even he realised.

"Carla's taken the rest of her holidays, if rumours are to be believed she told one of the other nurses she wasn't risking bringing her daughter back here and she couldn't trust her care with anyone again. As for baldy... he's operating on my fella Mr Mckenna." Dr Cox replied, his jaw tight, despite what they had done, Carla had been one of the only people in the hospital he had ever considered a friend for many years. He knew how he'd feel if the situation had happened to him and couldn't get his head around Jordan's role in the whole escapade. Taking a child the way they had was unthinkable, whether she was well taken care of or not didn't really matter to him.

"You let him operate?" She asked confused once more as she continued to study the man in front of her. He was full of surprises these past few days that was for sure.

"Despite what a tool I think he is, he is a good surgeon and being a good doctor often means you have to put personal feelings aside to do what's best for the patient." Elliot could do nothing but nod and the two of them soon turned around and headed off in opposite directions, Dr Cox to carry on working with his patients and Elliot, off to find the last remaining link in her 'help JD' chain.

_Had I known everything that she was doing, I would have told her it wasn't necessary that I could sort it all on my own. Still I'm not going to lie, when it all came together I was pretty damn grateful. I mean I could have been an adult, have sorted through it myself, but with everything that was going on, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have had a clue where to start._

Standing outside the operating theatre, Elliot tapped her foot impatiently on the floor as she watched the clock tick by second by second. She needed to talk to the turtle headed, stubborn, ridiculous excuse for a ma... she needed to talk to Turk, but even she wasn't stupid enough to interrupt a surgery. Instead she waited, and waited and dashed back up to the ward to resuscitate her 90 year old cardiac patient and then came back to wait some more. She had to admit, she was getting more than a little bit impatient but still she refused to put someone's life at risk by charging in there and having an argument with the man with his hands knee deep inside someone's colon.

Hopefully when he emerged from the room, it would be with a fully anesthetised, yet alive and recovering patient, because as much as she wanted to yell at him for the way he'd been acting recently, she was never one for kicking a guy when he was already down. Finally after what felt like years had passed, the big double doors opened and a man was wheeled away, without a cloth covering his face which the female doctor took to be a good sign.

"Make sure he gets hourly observations and I want even the slightest detereoration in his condition reported to me immediately." Turk called out as he emerged from the room behind the gurney, covered in blood but otherwise seeming to be in a pretty nonchalant mood. "Go away Elliot." He continued as he spied the woman leaning against the wall to his right. Without acknowledging her any further or even taking a second glance in her direction, he carried on down the corridors, throwing his overalls in the medical waste bin as he passed. He did not have time, or the desire to speak to her right now.

"No, not until we talk, now what the hell are you playing at?" She demanded, pushing herself into a more steady position and marching towards him, flicking her hair slightly to get the ever growing bangs out of her face. "JD is your best friend, hell Carla used to tell me how she feared you would run away together, so what's going on? Why are you acting like the world's biggest jackass."

Stopping abruptly so the woman nearly banged into him, Turk turned around to half face her, making sure his body was still turned away so she knew in no uncertain terms that he was not planning on sticking around and engaging in any sort of conversation further than what he was about to say.

" His brother kidnapped my daughter, scared us half to death and somehow I'm the bad guy?" He replied completely perturbed by the way she seemed to be seeing things. No one had any right to judge how he was reacting they didn't have a clue what was going on, how he was feeling, about the ins and outs of how his relationship with JD really worked. But most importantly, they didn't know what he knew, they didn't know how much better off JD was thinking that his best friend had abandoned him, than he would be knowing that very same person, may have been able to save his dead girlfriends life if he had just acted instead of brushing everything under the carpet.

He couldn't face him knowing what he knew, he just couldn't. To see that level of heart break on a man's face who spent his life making him feel whole was just too damm hard to deal with. Maybe he was a coward, but hell sometimes running away was the best option for all concerned. He couldn't stand the thought of JD looking at him with nothing but hate in his eyes, knowing the truth of what he had done. Staying away was the least painful of the two options for them both, even if the other man never knew why.

It was just better that way.

"You and I both know that JD had nothing to do with that. Yes what Dan did was cruel but he's off to the airport right now, so he's no reason to stay away from JD. Besides you were avoiding him way before that even happened, we all were, so don't just sit there and pretend otherwise. Look I don't know what's going on inside your head, but whatever it is you need to deal with it and go and talk to your friend." She sniped, her tone leaving really no room for arguments as she looked the man who was quite a bit taller than her when she wasn't In heals, in the eye, refusing for even a second to break contact.

" Elliot, just leave it, it's none of your business." He continued, attempting once more to walk away and get back to the one thing he had been trying to focus on all week now.

His work.

As long as he was cutting and slicing and saving people's lives, it meant he didn't have the time to focus on anything else or even let little thoughts about how much of a screw up he was enter his mind. He couldn't save Kim now, but he could make sure the same thing didn't happen to anyone else who walked in this place.

Elliot however had other ideas and instantly grabbed hold of his arm, and pulled herself forward and around his body. For a moment the older man was confused as to what the hell she was doing, but it soon all became clear as she made her way to the end of the corridors, slammed the double doors closed and stood in front of them, blocking his only exit.

"Well I'm making it my business."

"Of course you are, because everything has to resolve around yo..." He started, but never got to finish as the blondes eyes dangerously darkened and she interrupted with a growl.

"Don't you even dare! I care about you, I care about both of you, and there has never been a moment when the two of you weren't inseparable for the entire time I have known you. Now I don't give a rats arse about what ever little excuse you have or what's supposedly going on. The fact is whether either of you admit it or not you need each other. So I can even spend the next five hours yelling about what a selfish pig head your being or you can save us both the bother and snap out of your little man period and go and talk to your friend who quite frankly is so cut up right now that I don't know how he's still functioning."

"I find the term 'man period' to be really insulting." Turk shot back, his voice taking on the tone of a sulking teenager, as he pouted slightly under the ice cold stare he was on the receiving end of.

"Yeah, well I find it insulting and degrading when the very same thing happens to me, but you don't hear me whining about it. Now you can either swallow your pride, leave right now and go and see him or I'll grab you by your little special area and drag you over there myself." She barked, her eyebrows raising, as if daring him to see if she was joking or not. Turk gulped and looked around carefully, desperately looking for witnesses. It wasn't that he was scared of Elliot per say, just... she could be quite frightening at times, especially when she had the mad woman on the loose look in her eyes. Besides, she was even starting to sound like Jordan, which was terrifying enough on its own merit.

"That's not funny."

"It wasn't meant to be."

The two just stood glaring at each other for a moment or three, Elliot's blue eyes shooting fire balls of hidden fury into Turk's brown ones. The surgeon could have sworn he actually felt a nervous sweat breaking out on his forehead and the woman in question seemed to grow to about 50 feet tall, taking on the appearance of a giant who was about to crush him with the not so little red heal of her famous stiletto shoes. In fact if you asked him later that day he was sure he would add on the cheering squad of other hospital giants which seemed to be shooting up around her, demanding he leave.

Shaking his head and snapping out of his rather JD like day dream, Turk swallowed hard once again before sagging his shoulders and taking a deep breath. No more words needed to be spoken between them and Elliot soon turned around, pushed the doors back open and left the man in green alone in the corridor. Hoping more than anything that he would stay true to his unspoken words.

_I was in Turks situation once and I can tell you, Elliot really does appear about ten foot tall when she gets a certain look in her eyes. It can be pretty scary like looking into the eyes of a demon released straight from hell and ready for its first feed, of course I would never tell her that one. I like my head _permanently_ being attached to my shoulders._

"Over the years, I have come to accept many, many, many, strange things happening when it comes to you. The strangest up until five minutes ago was the shaving your head for a patient thing... no, actually on second thoughts it had to be the giant black doctor game you played around the hosptial... Not to mention the spinning around pretending to be some sort of hawk..."

"Eagle." JD interrupted, with a small smile and a shake of his head, god they had done some pretty fun, yet ridiculous things over the years, as much as he hated to admit that the man was on to something.

"Right... my point is... what the hell is with all the curtains?" Doctor Cox asked, with raised eyebrows as he turned and looked around the hospital room, which was by now covered head to toe in different types of fabrics. There was baby blue ones with small ducks all over them, royal red with swirling golden patterns, White ones, black ones, ones with clowns, one with toy blocks, one with square patterns and flowers and even ones with the odd silver unicorn. Some were on the floor, some resting over empty incubator cots, some on a night stand, hung up on shelves and against the windows. it really looked like there had been some sort of factory explosion in there. "I mean for a second I thought that last bottle of scotch the other night was giving me some sort of delayed hallucinations. Oh and please... he's a little boy... don't go for the butterflies."

JD almost snorted at that, which surprised him as the feeling of pure hilarity hadn't been inside of him for a while now. It seriously felt like a lifetime had passed since the last time he had experienced it, even though it was only three weeks ago in reality. Looking up to face the man he considered recently more of a friend than a mentor, JD shook his head and reached out to grab the nearest piece of material and move it out of the way.

"I think its something to do with Elliot's 'make it up to JD mission'." the younger doctor explained with a roll of his eyes. "You should have been here an hour ago, this place was filled with different miniature models of cots! It took me saying I loved the brown and dark brown coloured one over the brown and white coloured one and the texture was just perfect for the theme of a new bedroom, for the hippie woman to leave."

Doctor Cox just raised his eyebrows even further as he tapped the bridge of his nose with his index finger and looked from the vast different colours of curtains over to the man cuddling his son in the middle of the room and back again, his face a mixture of confusion, entertainment and bewilderment. Of all the things he had expected to see when he finished his shift at the hospital an hour after talking to Barbie and headed over to visit Sammy, this didn't even make the list.

"How have they even allowed the place to be filled with these?" He asked eventually, shaking his head with a snigger and picking up a fabric book which was on the floor to flip though the many different designs that had been presented to them.

"I'm not sure they even know... Either that or Elliot has her brother under a very tight thumb." JD explained, as he let the material fall from his fingers and allowed his now free hand to gently stroke at his sleeping son's face. The older man gave a half hearted, yet still not entirely sarcastic laugh as he flipped the book over in JD's direction and showed him the design he had just landed on.

" I'd go with this one, matches your old unicorn diary perfectly."

The man looked like he was going to say something else as well, but he abruptly stopped and his face fell into an unreadable, yet slightly cold expression. Confused, JD looked at him with his head tilted to one side before he realised the direction the man was looking in. Slowly turning his head around to look towards the door, he soon saw the reason for his friend's sudden change in attitude as a pair of green scrubs appeared in the door way.

"What are you doing here." The older man grunted instantly as he took a few steps forward and placed himself subconsciously between JD and the new arrival. Taking on a protective stance as he folded his arms across his chest and dared the man to say one wrong thing.

"I just... JD and I need to talk." He replied, stepping further into the room and looking down towards his friend with a pleading expression. Elliot was right, they needed each other and it was high time he swallowed his pride and went to talk to him. JD didn't understand what was going on and he knew in his heart if the situation had been reversed it would be nothing like this.

JD could do nothing but stare as Turk appeared properly in his vision. He had been debating with himself alot recently how he would react when they came face to face again after everything that had happened. He'd imagined, intense feelings of rage, or hatred, or longing, or suddenly realising how much he missed him and leaping into his arms claiming all was forgiven. What he hadn't expected were the emotions flowing through him at that precise moment and they confused the hell out of him.

They had known each other for years, been through more than he could possibly imagine, Turk was the one who made him cool, made him accepted and let him know what it was like to have true friends. He was the first person he met when he started med school, the person he called whenever something exciting happened, the person he couldn't wait to introduce to his mum, rent a place with and party until they couldn't party anymore and were forced into the real world of doctors and surgeons. He was the man he considered his absolute, his guy love partner, the only man who he'd ever imagine hands inside of him. He would give him a kidney without a second thought, sell his soul if it meant he would be okay.

Turk meant the world to him.

Yet, sitting there, staring at his face, he was surprised to realise that none of that seemed to matter, it just felt like he was looking at another stranger, another person he had no connection with who had just popped by on a whim. All the memories that they shared at that moment, didn't even feel like they had ever existed, like they were someone else's, between two people who had no connection to each other at all.

He felt nothing, no hatred, no love, no... nothing.

And that absolutely terrified him.

"Please JD... let me explain." Turk said softly, trying to avoid the daggers being shot his way by Doctor Cox as he took a couple more steps towards his best friend. Or at least as close as he could get without walking into the chest of his current protector. Not that the man would ever admit to being that.

"I don't want an explanation, nothing can excuse the last few weeks... months. Just ... Just go Turk." JD muttered carefully, his eyes adverting so they were looking at the wall behind him rather than at him. It just felt wrong, wrong to be so disconnected to the one person he'd always run to for everything. All he knew was that he wanted him to leave and never come back. To pretend their entire friendship never happened and just be done with it.

"JD..."

"You heard him. You need to go, now." Doctor Cox said, cutting him short of whatever it was he was going to say. Turk desperately looked from the raging older man to his thirty year old counterpart, trying his hardest to convey just how sorry he was and just how much he wanted to have this conversation with him, for both of their sakes. Even if it meant by the end of it JD never wanted to speak to him again, which he was pretty sure is exactly what would happen. Elliot was right though, he needed to know the truth he deserved that much.

"Just leave!" JD yelled out, jumping to his feet, trying his hardest not to disturb the small baby which still lay in his arms. To no avail it seemed as within seconds Sammy was awake and he soon let out a high pitched, struggled wail at the sudden disturbance to his sleep. "Now look what you have done!." JD continued, the anger finally disappearing as he directed his attention down to his son and gently tried to calm him, along with his own bubbling temper.

"I will give you till I count to five to turn around and walk _back_ out that door." The man, Turk was pretty sure he would now always refer to as 'the protector' hissed, his face reddening as he grabbed the man by his scrubs top and threw him backwards towards the exit. Despite how much he wanted to protest Turk couldn't summon up the energy to fight back and instead bowed his head and backed out into the corridor just as Doctor Cox started the five fingered count down.

Running his hand over the top of his head, Turk took a deep breath and rested his head against the hospital wall opposite the doorway he had just been thrown out of. He really thought it would have been like all the other times, that JD would at the very least hear him out. He's seen the man angry before and knew without a doubt that he deserved that anger, but the reaction still surprised him. He was half tempted to leave, to turn around and go home to his wife and child. At least he could say that he had tried and that the other man knew that he was thinking about him, maybe he could come back in a week when he had calmed down a little and had time to think.

Standing up straight Turk went to turn around and leave but he only took a few steps before stopping again and glancing back to the room where his best friend currently resided. In a matter of seconds he made a decision. He'd come this far, he might as well stay to see it to the end.

**(A/n) Wow over 5,000 words, pretty sure that's the longest chapter I've done in a while, or even in this story! Was going to split it in two but figured it would be better ending this way Hope everyone likes it! And again thanks for everyone whose still reading. As JD said, well things may explain Turks behaviour, nothing excuses it. I've always wondered if people bother to read the authors notes... so here's a little experiment... if you do and feel like reviewing... and a random animal noise to it ;)**


	29. Conversing

**Chapter 29- Conversing**

_When I first met Turk, I always thought he was like someone out of a comic book. He was cool, he was black, he had muscles I could only dream of and he had a way of making me feel cool to. I was invited to parties for the first time in my life and even though I knew he was uncomfortable with some of the more sensitive stuff, he never once judged me on that. He made college one of the best experiences of my life, I'm not sure I could have gotten through it without him. He just made everything fun and when I was stressing out, he reminded me it was okay to just relax and have some 'me time', that just because we wanted to be medical interns, it didn't mean we couldn't have a life outside of that too._

_It was weird, feeling this way about him, I didn't like it, not one bit. But at the same time I couldn't begin to imagine a way I could change things. _

_How do you stop yourself from feeling or change those feelings when they are just like mega blocks built up inside of you? I knew talking to him would probably help but since Doctor Cox had thrown him out yesterday, he hadn't attempted to come back. I guess I shouldn't be surprised he gave up so easily. He threw our friendship away without much difficulty weeks ago, so doing it again should have been a breeze for him._

_I spent virtually all night thinking it over, half expecting him to sneak back in. But by the time 2 o clock ticked by I'd given up all hope of that happing. Our friendship was over, I just had to find a way to be okay with that._

* * *

"What the..? Turk? What are you doing?"

* * *

_Or so I thought..._

* * *

JD could only cock his head in confusion as he emerged from his son's room and gazed at the wall opposite. There sat on the floor was the surgeon in question, his head leaning against a plant pot and his mouth wide open as if he were trying to win a game of who could eat the most dirt. He even had the imprinted pattern of the side of the vase, decorating his left cheek.

The man groggily opened his eyes and blinked a few times in bewilderment as he tried to focus on his surroundings. As soon as JD entered his line of sight he instantly bolted to his feet and gave a sheepish grin at being caught dozing on the floor. Truth be told, he had been asked to leave by a few of the hospital staff over the course of the night, but he told them the same story over and over, on how he had to apologise. Lucky for him, they all hadn't realised exactly what he had done that warranted said apology and had turned a blind eye, thinking there was no greater display of friendship.

"Ergggh, it's hard to sleep standing up?" He replied with a shrug, wiping desperately at the side of his face with his jacket sleeve in the hopes of brushing off at least some of the soil he was pretty sure was now stuck to his head. JD didn't respond to that, only raised his eyebrows higher than he ever had before. When Turk made no effort to say anything else, the young Doctor shook his head from side to side and made to walk past him, bumping his shoulder into his so called friend as he did so. Neither was sure whether it was on purpose or not.

"JD wait!" He called out, reaching forward and grabbing hold of his upper arm. JD however, just pulled it out of his grasp and carried on walking down towards the stairs. He only had half an hour before the nurse had to leave the ward and he was determined that Sammy was not going to be left on his own, standing around and having a half hearted staring contest with someone who would only babble his way further into a hole just seemed a complete waste of time. As far as he was concerned there were a lot more important things to be done.

Like finding a bathroom.

Turk, much like Elliot the previous day, wasn't going to take the brush off without a fight and after a few deep breathes to gear himself up for it, he soon turned to follow.

"Did I not make myself clear enough yesterday?" JD replied defensively, barely breaking his stride as he continued to head down the corridor, giving a brief smile to one of the passing nurses who he had seen on his travels many times over the last few weeks.

"Oh yeah, Doctor Cox got the message to me loud and clear." Turk scoffed as he thought back to growling conversation they had had once the older man had realised he hadn't completely left. As put off as he might have been, it didn't quite reach the same level of determination he felt to put things right. Maybe that was the reason he wasn't grabbed by his collar and thrown in to a dumpster late last night, even the attending could see that the truth had to come out and this was a conversation that couldn't be avoided forever.

Not if the story was to ever reach an ending.

"Then why are you following me?" JD continued, unsure of why he was actually acting this way. He had thought about nothing more but talking to Turk since he had shown up, even when he was yelling at him to leave him alone, a part of him just wanted them to have a proper conversation. Yet there was an irrational... or perhaps rational part of his brain which acted as a block every time the opportunity arose. He supposed he was just trying to protect himself from any more possible pain. Something he feared was almost guaranteed.

"Number one rule of friendship... never leave them alone when they don't want to be alone, even if they say they want you to leave them alone... besides I figure you need the bathroom as much as I do and if I keep following you, eventually you will head into one." Turk joked, smiling slightly in the hopes it would somewhat break the ice.

"Just follow the signs." Came the grunted reply, which caused the surgeon to frown, the roughness to his voice was so un JD like that it was almost scary, however he wasn't stupid enough not to realise it was some sort of defence mechanism to hide how vulnerable he really felt.

"I am... but there in the same direction your going anyway." he chimed, giving himself a mental pat on the back when this caused JD to come to a halt. His pat however, was soon taken away when the younger man turned to glare at him before twirling his finger in the air and pointing towards the door to their left, were a little male stick man sign stood.

"There you go, feel free to get lost on your way back." JD snipped, giving a not so sincere smile after and folding his arms, daring the man to say something in return. For a moment Turk remained completely still, his only movement coming from his eyes as they glanced towards the door, to JD and back again.

"Don't you need to go?" He asked. While he wasn't going to deny the fact he was bursting, he wasn't about to let his friend wonder off somewhere else and loose the one opportunity he seemed to have to get everything out in the open. He knew for a fact if he went in that room now without JD then he wouldn't find him again and he'd probably get armed unicorn guards on duty outside Sammy's room to prevent him entering.

"I prefer to use others."

"Great lead the way."

"Turk!" JD snapped, his patience wearing thin, as the man did nothing but stare innocently back at him. He just wanted to get what he needed to done so he could get back to his son, he just couldn't deal with this right now. His brain was telling him to stop, to give him a chance and listen, but his emotions were saying the opposite and the internal battle was placing his body under more stress every time he even caught a glimpse of the other's face.

"What for all I know the next set have sofa's and little chocolate mints, i would hate to miss them." He shot back, a grin on his face as he watched the irritation increase on JD's. "Look." He continued, dropping the pretence and letting his shoulders sag as he looked towards his friend with a hint of longing in his eyes. " Why don't we pee, then head to the cafeteria, get some food and actually talk. I know you don't want be anywhere near me right now and believe me I understand, even more so when you hear what I have to say. But JD you deserve to at least hear the truth, if after that you tell me to leave, I promise I will be out of those hospital doors in a flash and you won't see me again until you decide you want to, even if that's five years down the line."

By the end, he was almost whispering as he tried to convey with his eyes just how sincerely he meant that. He loved JD like a brother, there was no one he felt that connected to, not even Carla and he just needed the chance to tell him that. That despite how awful a friend he had been, the thought of that being over for good, ripped him up inside.

For a second, the young doctor just glared at the man beside him before dropping his gaze to the floor making an exasperated sound and pushing past him into the bathroom. As much as he hated the fact the man was right... he really did have to pee.

Turk stood still for a instant longer as JD disappeared into the room beside him, not quite sure if that was a yes or another brush off. As soon as he heard the familiar click of a cubical locking, he shrugged his shoulders and took a few steps inside, figuring no matter which option his best friend had chosen, it was probably safer to take the opportunity to empty his bladder. You know, just incase he was going to end up having to chase him around the hospital.

Ten minutes later and the duo were sat in the canteen opposite each other, a cup of coffee in one hand and a bagel in the other. For a while they just sat in silence, neither of them wanting to be the first to speak, even though Turk knew it had to be him. Despite the fact there were many doctors around them, both chatting away to each other and giving them weird looks for being there in the first place, they could still both hear every crunch and sip the other made. It was like the people buzzing about, were not even there, that there was only one table in the middle of an empty room and it was the one they took over. Everything else was white noise, barely audible to their adult ears. Even the surrounding smells, tastes and sights were nullified as their attention was focused on avoiding the others gaze.

They had so much to talk about, so much to explain and communicate to each other but it was like the words of anger, regret and remorse were stuck on their tongues, not wanting to be verbalised no matter how much it was bubbling at the surface. A part of them knew, that the second a sound was made, then that was it, the story would begin and it could very well be the last thing they ever say to each other. In fact it could easily lead to the absolute end of an era, something that terrified them in equal measures. How could they talk, express everything they felt, when it would probably just lead to disappointment and anguish all around.

Finally Turk cleared his throat, knowing that the sooner they got this over with, the sooner their lives could continue, no matter which direction it went in.

"Look man, I don't even know where to start, I've been the world's biggest jerk, not only since... Sammy was born... but for weeks before that. I swear to you though, I never meant for this to happen, never meant for things to get so bad between us. You are my best friend in the world JD and I can't believe things have got so out of hand." Turk begin, picking up a piece of tissue paper in the process and proceeding to tear it shreds as a way to work off the nervous energy which was buzzing through his veins. It was safe to say he had never felt this overwhelmed and apprehensive before.

"Yeah? Well whose fault is that?" JD scoffed, before lowering his eyes and glancing into the suddenly incredibly interesting cup of milky coffee. He hadn't meant to say that out loud, a part of him wanted to hear this so badly, but the part of his brain which always told him to bite his tongue just didn't seem to be working anymore.

"Mine I know, I wasn't there for you when you needed me, I didn't even notice that you needed me, and then when I did, I did my upmost to stay as far away from you as possible and pretend nothing was wrong. That wasn't cool man, you deserved better than that." Turk continued, but paused as he realised JD's eyes had suddenly shot to his, confusion swirling around within them.

"So you were avoiding me." He mumbled, not that he hadn't already known that, but hearing it first hand, surprisingly hurt, a lot more than he would have ever expected it to considering his current feelings towards the man.

"Yes... I was." Turk answered, resisting the urge to reach out and squeeze the other man's arm. He could clearly see how much that statement had affected him and just wanted the ground to swallow him whole. Everyone makes mistakes, he'd always lived by that, but god he had screwed up big time this time and seeing the evidence of that made him feel about 8inches tall.

"Well least your honest? Mind telling me what I did to deserve that?" JD continued, his voice surprisingly calm as he hardened his face, clearly trying to block out any emotion that he did feel on the subject.

"You didn't do anything." He replied softly, before taking a sip of his coffee, straightening himself up and drawing a deep breath, knowing he had to explain, that he simply couldn't put it off any longer if there was any hope of even beginning to repair their friendship. " A few months ago my mother had to have surgery and you were so happy with Kim, I didn't want to bother you with it. Then there was this argument with Carla, around the time you wanted to move and I realised I had to start putting Izzy and her needs first..."

"What has that got to do with now? I'm sorry I asked you to help me back then, but I wasn't mad you cancelled... I told you that... I don't get why that would affect the way you've been acting recently." JD interrupted, his brow creasing even more as he tried to make sense of what he was being told. He remembered Carla having a word with him back then, asking him to give Turk a break and explaining how she kept fearing something would happen to Izzy if the place wasn't baby proofed enough. He had of course done exactly that, no hard feelings, no nothing, so just why that was relevant to Turk avoiding him after finding out the woman he loved had died, just didn't add up.

He understood, Izzy was in to everything, so tiny, so easily hurt, of course he understood.

" I'm getting there... I guess I kind of started distancing myself from you around then. Then there was this time in surgery where Kim practically fainted and I knew I should of told you, but all of these things were happening and I didn't think it was a big deal, I mean I guess I thought she would tell you what was going on anyway so there was no need for me to interfere. I should have, I really should have, but I didn't..." He continued, babbling things that quite frankly made no sense to JD what so ever.

"Okay?" The doctor replied, placing his cup onto the table and giving Turk his full attention, trying to swallow the bile that for some reason he could feel raising at the back of his throat.

"I saw Kim the day she died, she was waiting for you... she didn't look well, at all."Turk added reluctantly, his hands tightening into fists as he prepared himself for what was to come and looked down once again, away from JD.

"Wait what?" The other man instantly stammered, of all the things he expected to hear, that certainly wasn't one of them.

"She was pale, seemed to be breathing deeply, looked a bit dizzy and was rubbing her stomach... I think she was in the start of labour... You were going to meet her and she kept insisting she was fine... so I just left. I had NO idea what was going to happen, or about her heart. JD you have got to believe me when I say if I knew I would have stayed... I mean I kind of did, I went down to the lake and kept glancing back up to see if she was okay. Then you arrived and I figured it was fine, if her waters broke then she had you."

Turk rushed the end, gearing himself up to bolt as the shame washed over him once again, what kind of person was he? How could he have actually have done that. He stopped talking for a minute and braced himself as he looked up towards his friend who had drained of all colour. His pupils were wide and dashing from side to side as he tried to take in what Turk was actually saying. His breathing was slightly uneven and he had his mouth open, as if trying to draw in more air, unable to process the reality of the situation.

As much as he hated himself, Turk knew he had to continue, that he had to finish, for if he didn't now, he would never get another chance. Of that he was sure.

"When I heard she had died ... i... it was like time stood still and the guilt, the regret the... I have never been more sorry for anything. I.. I just didn't want to face you, couldn't face you. I should have run all the way here and been your number one support system, but I just couldn't, not knowing that... JD I swear to you, if I had thought for a second she was in any real danger I wouldn't have left her!" He cried as he fought the urge to reach forward and wrap the man in the world's longest hug.

"How long?" JD eventually muttered, his breathing becoming more and more uneven as he realised what this could mean, how different things might have been. His heart ached, his chest was feeling tighter and tighter by the second as the sorrow filled, emptiness crept upon him, the grief of losing the one person he loved most in the world coming back in full force.

"What?" Turk replied, slightly afraid of what the next words from his friends mouth would be.

"How long was it between when you saw her, to when I did?" JD almost growled, his hands clenched into fists as he tried to steady his breathing and fight back the tears, the feeling of isolation, betrayal, loss and hurt flowing through his veins and the urge to be sick got stronger and stronger.

"An hour... hour and a half... I think..." He whispered, trying to ignore the fear that was inching its way through his body as he watched the young doctors eyes explode with anger and sweat start to appear on his forehead as he tried to control himself. Hearing that however seemed to be the final straw.

" ARE YOU KIDDING ME." JD fumed as he jumped out of his seat, threw the chair to the floor and lunged towards Turk, grabbing him by the scruff of the collar. "If you had done something, ANYTHING, then she could still be here" He cried, his whole body trembling as the truth of that statement really set in. They had said, if she got help earlier then things may have been different, she would probably be up for an operation on her heart, maybe some valve replacements, but she would still be alive.

A part of him knew that wasn't guaranteed, that even with that intervention, she still might not have made it, but it would have given her a much better chance, it could have given Sammy time with his mother, or at the very least her a chance to meet him.

"I'm so sorry" Turk whispered, his face full of regret and sadness as he let a single tear roll down his cheek. He could see everyone watching, a few people approaching them cautiously, but at that second he didn't care, he would make the biggest scene in the world if it meant he could turn back time and make everything alright.

Apparently he verbalised that last thought as JD shook his head and gritted his teeth as he tried his hardest to stay in control.

"You can't though! You can't! Nothing can chance this, nothing can make this right!" JD almost sobbed, letting Turks collar go and standing up straight, looking into the man's eyes with nothing but hurt and dismay.

She could have lived.

They could have raised Sammy together.

Sammy could have seen her smile.

Been there on their wedding day.

Had Brothers and sisters.

Instead all he had was him, a father who everyone always joked about being too sensitive and childish. A father, who could barely hold it together.

Turks actions didn't just take Kim away from him, they took her away from Sammy to.

Shaking his head as the tears finally started to spill, JD turned around and picked the chair back up, pushing it back in its place with care, before storming past the gathering crowd and rushing out of the room.

He couldn't be there,

Not with him.

He just had to get away, far far away.

He didn't know how to deal with this. Didn't know how to cope with the emotions flowing through him.

What he did know though, was that he needed one thing,

To run.

To run and never look back.

**(a/n) I'm alivvve, sorry this took a while, end of the college year is closing I and had to get everything done, which meant there was less time to write. Well there it is, Turk and JD officially talked. Was a long time coming lol. Hope you liked it!**


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